Alright, so I finally got around to finishing typing this. . . and pretty much the only thing to say before I get right back into it, is that now you see the part three that actually goes with the rest of the story.... oh yeah... the random spelling mistakes are supposedly on purpose...
"Bob?" Beth said puzzled. "I don't know any Bob"
"OK, my mistake, " Jake said.
"I hear more voices" John said as he stepped out of the bathroom.
"Who are you?" all three men asked at once.
Beth, startled by all of this, said quickly, "I'm late for work." she then ran quickly out the door
The three men stared at each other trying to figure out watch just happened. then Jake broke the silence and said to Matt, "you could go put some close on, ya know. . . if ya want. Then we wouldn't have to see Matt Jr. anymore."
Matt suddenly feeling a cold breeze in his. . . (nevermind) ran into his bedroom to get dressed. After all, he worked at a gay bar and there were u two /u men alone with him in his house.
Meanwhile Beth was driving along the road when she noticed something odd. Now this means it really had to be an odd thing since she was legally married to a fireman stripper at a gay bar. Anyway.
In the cross walk 10 feet ahead of her was a naked man on all fours crawling across the street. Now it must be said that Beth was lonely, I mean who wouldn't be, if you found out your spouse was gay. Not to mention her bedroom life was boring.
So she stopped the car and told the guy to get in. And he did. Although he crawled in and made barking noises. Beth being curious pulled of the road and parked. She got out of the car and went and sat in the back seat with him.
She then noticed a collar around his neck that read "sex slave: Jared" "Jared?!" is that your name?" she yelled.
"Roof, roof!!" Jared barked
You'd think that the sex slave bit would have kicked in shortly after, only it didn't! 'I have my very own. . . dog!!' Beth thought. (she obviously wasn't bright either) "Let's go to a motel 6 and I'll get you some food," she said.
Back at home, Matt came out fully dressed in one of Beth's bra's, underwear and stockings. "How do I look, boys?!" he said, very thrilled with himself. Instantly he noticed no one was there. "They don't like me!" he wailed. "My hips are too big!" But it was true. They didn't like him. They liked Beth, finger-painting thief and all! Yet Matt was angry now. This was all her fault! She tricked him again!! Only this time he had a plan! He would poop in her underwear! That was sure to get her!! Then!! Then, he'd put them on her pillow. 'Brilliant!' He thought. He would do it now. So he made his way to the bathroom.
. . . the plot thickens. . .
Jake found himself sitting in a seat next to John. He had done some weird stuff in his day, but nothing like this. "Wow," Jake said. "That guy was nuts! Imagine us having sex with him! What a loony."
"You're right," John said. "It'd be better with just the two of us anyways."
"Can I put this there?" John said.
"Eww gross! I will not do that!" Jake screamed!
"Come on Jake! Just lay it in there"
"NO!" Jake said again. "I will not put that cigarette in that ash tray. I refuse"
"Alright," said John. "I'll do it myself."
"Now lay down and focus on me, Jake. It'll be fun"
"OK," said Jake, "but only if I get a sucker."
"Oh, you will," said John. . .
Later on at the motel, Beth had Jared on the bed. "Do you always bark?" She asked.
"No, just when I feel like it."
"OK," said Beth. "What should we do first?"
"Mwuahahahahahahahahahaha. . ." Jared yelled, "Now I have you just where I want you..."
As Jared began to give Beth a knee massage, his laughter stopped.
"Wha. . . what are you doing?" she said, very confused.
"Foreplay!" Jared said and smiled.
'Oh,' she thought, 'he must not be a native of Peach. They don't believe in foreplay'. . . and she would know, Matt was born here. But she let him continue anyways. Five minutes passed and she couldn't take it any longer. . . why was he doing this to her? Jared was her new puppy. . . What was he thinking?
Meanwhile Jake was laying down having a sucker as john played with his. . . nevermind. You sicko! His gameboy. John and Jake had already satisfied each others needs. They played hide & seek, dodgeball, and "where's winky", I mean, "where's waldo." Jake was very good at it, but that's because he's a paperboy. And everybody knows paperboys in Peach work late hours together. . . very, very late hours. But as for John, these activities just weren't satisfying him. He longed for Beth. He had been so close hours before. If only her stupid husband hadn't gotten in the way. Then she would have been his; his and only his. She's his type. And that's when he decided he wouldn't stop until she was there with him, in his arms.
So he thanked Jake for the evening and went home. Night was falling and he had to get home.
After all, his bedtime is at 9:30. And he didn't want to get home late or mom wouldn't let him in.
Night fell silently around them all. Time ticking away at the remaining day. They were all very tired, so they all went to bed. Little did they know what big things were in store for themselves tomorrow. . .
Part 5 (she claims that this part sucks. . .)
Matt awoke to hear his alarm clock blasting loudly in his ear. "Work!" he shouted out loud, "I have to go!!"
He climbed out of bed and grabbed his fireman outfit. He then drove like a maniac to the Sour Apple. '12:30' he thought as he pulled into the parking lot. Then a large sign on the door caught his eye.
"New Management" it read in large black letters.
"What the. . ." Matt yelled as he continued to read the sign.
"Now serving everyone."
He got out of his car and in the door just as heard someone say "Matt Cole?"
"That's me," he said coming through the door.
"Late, on the first day. . . God, that's stupid!" a tiny voice blasted.
"Who the hell do you think you are?" Matt said.
"Uhh. . . Question. Did you happen to see the large banner hanging from the doorway?"
"The large one?" Matt said, almost confusing himself.
"Yes," she said, "that one. The one that says 'New Management'. That'd be me!"
"But you're a woman!!" Matt yelled. "In a gay bar!!"
"Yes, hunny, I am and if you don't get here on time, no one will be able to help you. you'll have to keep your nasty little pants on."
Now very hurt and upset, Matt, "My pants aren't little!! or nasty! And who are you to judge me?"
"Me?" she said, "I'm Samiracle. Not Sammy, not Samira, not Mira. . . Samiracle. And I own this twisted little strip joint. And trust me Matt, your pants. . . they're nothing special."
"Well. . . well, you haven't been in 'em yet!! So you don't know. But you'll see," Matt said.
"No, I don't think you understand," Samiracle said. "We had to order your new pants from the Sears boy section. A size 6. It can't be very big. So I'm going to ignore your offer and suggest that you find an 8 year old girl to play with. Ya know, guessing by the size of your pants. . ."
Beth jumped up in an unfamiliar bed. 'Where am I?' she thought. And then she remembered everything. She looked to her left and there was a sleeping guys with a collar. Oh! Jared.
'I remember' she thought 'I should go. . .'
So she gently got up and left Jared in the motel and drove back to her house. When she got there she noticed a sign on her front door that said,
"I'm not gay, I don't touch those things. . . I'll be back.
'Odd,' She thought as she unlocked the door. She knew he wasn't gay, after all. . . She almost let him touch her class's finger paintings.
She decided she needed a change of clothes. As she opened the door to her bedroom something smelled funny.
"Holy shit!" she yelled. "Wait a minute, that's not holy shit, that's. . ."
Meanwhile, at work Matt was sitting down to a meeting with Samiracle and his other coworkers when in walked this short, loud mouthed girl with brown hair and a ton of glittery make-up.
"Coco, you're late."
"I know Samiracle, I'm sorry! It's won't happen again."
"Let's see to that."
"Psst. . . Hello, sweet thing. . . I'm Matt."
"Hi Matt, I'm not interested."
"Well, that's one way to make a first impression."
"EXCUSE ME! I'm trying to conduct a meeting here! Matt, be quiet or I'll strip you of your kinky stripping job."
"Kinky!" Matt yelled. "I'm as straight as a U-turn. Take that back!"
Then suddenly everyone broke out in laughter.
"I don't . . . get . . . it. . ." Matt wailed. (lol, he wouldn't)
Ten minutes later. . .
John was sitting outside of Beth's house with binoculars. "I'll see her," he mumbled.
When all of a sudden her bedroom window opened and like a cannon shooting watermelon, Beth chucked the poopy underwear out the window.
Where it unfortunately proceeded to hit John flat in the head.
And it didn't just stop there. Oh no, it leaked all over him.
Yum, I'm sure she'll want him now. (. . . no)
John, now embarrassed, stained, and covered in Matt's "Holy crap" decided he had to run home, because if his mom saw, he'd be dead. Plus! She'd probably try to give him a sponge bath. So he took off, but as he ran, he ran right into Jake.
"Woah! Chill out Johnny boy." Jake said, "Pee-euw! What is that! John! You're covered in ass!"
"Get away" John yelled as he sobbed off.
Jake then noticed the poopy pair of woman's underwear laying in the yard. 'That's something truly kinky,' he thought when suddenly. . .
Part . . . I lost count
Jake heard a loud crashing noise. Now he was just way too afraid to go and see what happened. And rightly so, these people were weird. I mean, think about it. Jake was just an innocent paperman who wasn't very sure of his sexuality. But Matt! He was married to Beth. And he worked at a gay bar, and not the happy kind. Which was confusing enough. And then that day at their house he found Beth with John. How can a married couple be that confused yet stay together?
Now as Jake was pondering these things a large plastic cup flew out of the window and hit him on the head. Now as the shock of this unfolded, stuff started to drip down on Jake from the cup. 'What's this?' he thought.
Now little did he know what actually happened to John earlier. Or that the stuff dripping down his face was none other than the rest of that unspeakable substance Matt had put on Beth's pillow.
Upon realizing it, Jake panicked and ran off. Just like John had done earlier.
"I've been crapped on! he yelled as he fled the scene.
Back at the bar, Matt was trying very hard to get Coco's attention. Think of how Beth would react if he showed up with a super hot slut.
Of course, Matt was not that smart, because first of all, Beth would have jumped for joy if he came home with another woman. Then she'd be free of him. -!-
Oh, and secondly, she really doesn't give a fuck. They're at war now
. . .Hours later. . .
Beth sits at home all night, trying to think up a plan to not only get even with, Mike, I mean, Matt,-!!- but to out do him as well. What could she do? Whatever it was, it would have to be good.
And then she had an epiphany. First she'd cut out the crotches of all his pants. 'No, that wouldn't do. He's too kinky. He'd like that.'
Maybe she'd poop in a pair of a his pants after she cut a hole out of the crotch. . .
"Wait a minute, that just wouldn't work, it would all just fall out!" she exclaimed, only to realize she was still home alone. 'Well then what shall I do?' she thought.
'I know!!' she thought. 'It's perfect!' And off she went to the sour apple.
Alone the way she came across a homeless man in a crosswalk. He was carrying a sign that said "Will work for shoes."
'What a freak,' Beth thought.
"Hey, get in!" she yelled.
and that's where it ends. . . thus far no more has been written that my best friend finds worthy of actually being part of my love life. . . maybe someone could convince her to continue. . . her e-mail is. . . JK
-!- you know that if she hadn't written that exact same thing, I would have in this pretty little italicized writing. . . anyways. . .
-!!- k, I thought it was hilarious that she put her ex-boyfriends name there instead of Matt.... anyways