bWhy Toucans Can't Exist/b

Hello. I am here to prove that it is scientifically impossible for toucans to exist in the world as we know it. Since I'll be making this up as I go along, you may experience some back-tracking, repetition and rather long, boring patches that could put coffee itself to sleep. So, here we go.

To really get to why toucans cannot exist, we must first talk about me. Well, we could probably go around it, but I'm fairly egotistical, so bad luck.

I am a sixteen year old male. I write fiction. I also write songs, on occasion. But for this argument, we need only to focus on the fact that I write fiction. Fiction is basically any tale that has been constructed from the imagination of any number of people. The Online Dictionary defines it as:

"A literary work whose content is produced by the imagination and is not necessarily based on fact."

Ah, so fiction does not in fact have to have any grounding in actuality at all, so says the dictionary. Therefore, I propose that using this document, I can remove toucans from existence. Here I go.

"There once was a toucan called Billy. Billy was the last toucan alive. Billy died."

As you can see, I have just put a toucan into a fictional pretext, thereby rendering it a product of my imagination. Not only have I just removed them from existence, but I have in fact made them entirely extinct in the imaginative category also. Although, I do realize that as any writer may, someone could just write a new toucan into their story. But, to be quite honest, what kind of fuckwit writes about toucans?

In conclusion, toucans can no longer exist because they have become a fictional object, and therefore have no grounding in reality. For those who say most fiction is based off of reality, well, all I can say to you is - stop pointing out the holes in my argument. Its really quite annoying, and if you do it, you are legally obliged to get some form of duck installed somewhere, somehow. I just like mentioning them, really.

Thank you for reading, if you got this far. I know I didn't. I stopped writing ages ago.


A/N: This piece is dedicated to "Feng, The Tears Of A because she reviews everything I do and just generally seems to rock. *nod*. Check out her stuff, y'all.

A/N 2: Just wondering, who noticed how I fit myself into that essay even though I had nothing to do with it? Im just too damn good. Don't forget it. Because if you do, . how will you know how good I am?