What am I holding onto?
For what reason?
I cannot tell you, a misconception and a nostalgia
That I cannot resist, a few dreams that I know
Will fail, and yet
I feel the need to do this, in a couple of years I'll be
A different person anyway
Wait a minute...
Maybe a little wisdom, but purely incidental: an excuse
For this escapist half-desperation

I cannot stop my heart beating
The way I beat my head against the wall
I would value a few hours
Of not being alive
So I could really calm myself
And consider a plan of action:
What to do, and why to do it?
Let the side down, and spend your life
Choking on resentment: I do not resent myself
The way I used to, thank God.
That was a difficult time, a very difficult time indeed.

I am trembling because I am afraid what I have done
Will land me back in the realm where reality
Is too painful even to consider, let alone at such a
Proximity as this...

Listen to some music, and heal the wounds (briefly, of course)
I am so confused
And I am so frightened
About what I will make of my life until I am allowed
To leave this part of it behind:
What decision is the right one? I am doing it all wrong.
Much better to submit to the urge to disconnect and wait
For a better time, and a better place
And a better way to fall in love.

What am I hoping for?
I do not even know this, and yet I preach
Upon the virtues
Of hope.