Hers and hers alone

She sits on the freshly rained veranda not caring if it makes her skirt wet. She looks at the clouded sky thinking how nice it will be to find a lone star. He sits down beside her.

"I'm looking for a star," she smiles at him.

"You won't find one tonight," he sounds defeated even without trying.

"I can always hope," she says liking the idea of doing the impossible.

Seeing her so peaceful you would not believe that in her mind she is thinking angry thoughts, thoughts that haunt her and drive her mad. She doesn't come out to the freshly rained air primarily for the stars, it was more to get away from her and her competitive couple tendencies. She has been in a relationship for almost two years, a lot longer than the amount of relationships put together for a lot of people. She has been in a relationship for two months and believes she is in love, just like all the other times before. So why is it that she has made it so far in her relationship that she still feels vulnerable to her affects or her acting affection to her boyfriend? It simply because she hates to compete and scorns it every time. She wants to put her savagely cruel ways to death but she wouldn't know how to begin, it's just not in her nature.

She talks to him about it. Making fun of them, their love, wanting to make herself feel safe and secure from her consistent need to act. She solves it in the same way as when other things saddens her. Only he changes the subject. She knows she is forgetting the vital part in all of this; that the two males are best friends. So she learns her lesson quick and bites her tongue before another onslaught. This was her problem and only hers.

She sees the one star that she has waited for. She wishes it would all end, this childish competition so that she won't have to mechanically hold his hand or give him a kiss with her wanting to see the sign of destruction. She wishes upon it and watches as the clouds move to cover it up. She bites her tongue and doesn't tell him of her discovery. It is hers and hers alone.

{3rd October, 2004}