'No One Else'
I never understood what someone meant when they said they were at a crossroad. They'd say that there would be a simple path down one way, and then a harder, but better path the other way. And…that's a T-junction, not a crossroad. A crossroad has four ways to go, with one being the particular path you're already on. So at a crossroad there really is a third path. A path that they won't mention because it's the choice to blow past the two presented choices and leave it all behind.
Of course, that is not the choice I have tonight. I'm at a T-junction. This is just some stupid road with a red light on and my blinker is saying that I am headed for the left. Such an annoying sound; the blinker.
'…I want to love you madly…' I don't want to hear Cake talk about that sort of thing…plus, I don't understand why they mention elephants in the song. Just change the radio station.
'…I wish you, would step back from that ledge my friend. You could, cut ties with all the lies that you've been living in…' No, a song titled 'Jumper' isn't any good to me right now either. Isn't there anything good on tonight? It's only ten something. There really should be something on!
'…Like Kurosawa I make films, okay I don't make films, but if I did they'd have a samurai…' Not even a ridiculous song by Barenaked Ladies that took over the summer in 1997 will do right now.
'…It takes my pain away…' No, Jimmy Eat World isn't going to get me to feel fine. I always did hate that 'Middle' song, but I liked those other ones a lot. It was just that 'Middle' one that I hate. Even their other albums were better than that one. Still, this is no good. Gotta change the station.
'…Marry me…I don't mind…' The one time I can recognize Grade's song, 'Little Satisfactions' I really don't want to. Gotta get off of this song.
Well, well…back in the same spot this seemed to start with. This annoying 'DELAYED GREEN' sign hanging there. I almost forgot about it. Thought I'd be moving from this intersection sooner. They just don't do things easily, and I hate sitting here when no one is on this road aside from me. Who am I waiting for on the other road? Really? "For Pete's sake just turn green you asshole!"
Okay…that was weird…it turned green.
Anyway, may as well as turned. There isn't a point to my sitting here, even if all of the roads are empty. Someone will have to come eventually.
Fifteen minutes ago I was alone and about to get punched by someone and now I'm all alone and it feels like I had been punched. Only, I didn't get punched at all. I sort of wished I had been hit.
And now…I'm watching someone I hadn't really worried about for what seems like forever even though I had been thinking about her today. And she sits in my car and closes the door and I just feel awkward and alone, and I'm sure she feels the same. We're both alone even though we're together. Sounds like what a TV is to society. It connects us, lets a million people at the same scene at the same time and yet still be alone.
She still looks as beautiful as I remember. That just makes it even more awkward. "I'm…sorry…I was a bit late. You'll have to forgive me."
"No, it's fine as long you actually came."
I feel so useless and ugly when I compare myself to Mari now. She looks so seriously unserious, and she looks pretty. I just look hopeless. I feel hopeless a bit. Like…that time I was watching some show and the hero just wouldn't go down, but he gets up anyway. He just keeps getting up. I never really understood why they do that. It seems stupid to me. To just keep getting up and being kicked back down. There's no logic in it. No plan at all. Just a lot of pain. Why did Spider-Man push all of that machinery off of him when he was dying in that underwater complex again? Back in Amazing number thirty-three or something. I think he was fighting Doc Ock that day…suddenly I feel like I just suffered déjà vu or something. I probably said that once before or thought it at least.
Still…why do they bother standing up to be beat down on again? I just never understood it.
Mari and I are already headed for her home. So…time really isn't on either of our sides…but I have no idea what I want to say or ask.
"You seem, awfully quiet, Kris. Why?"
"No particular reason." Did my voice sound different? I hope not. She'd know I was lying then. Because Mari was the one who pointed out that my voice alters when I lie. "Why did you call me tonight? Just for the ride?"
"I was getting to that. It just felt odd for the moment. Let me think."
'So we think that we're important
And we think that we make sense
And we think there's something better on the other side of this fence
And you can soak your bread in gravy
You can soak your bread in soup
But the car that you are driving doesn't really belong to you
So you know
You'll always be waiting
Always be waiting
For someone else to call
Yeah, you know, you will always be waiting
Always be waiting…'
"Well, are you going to tell me why, then?" Seriously, I waited for the better half of 'Waiting' just now doing exactly that, waiting. Sort of feels ironic or something like that. I don't know what irony is. I was taught about irony from my teacher by her telling me about the song about rain on wedding days or something. Which I know is NOT ironic at all. Seriously…some teachers are just idiots, but they make up for it sometimes.
"I'm sorry. I zoned out for a minute there, Kris. It's a good song. Cake. I just…'lost sight of the prize'."
"There's a phrase…to 'jump the shark'. It's that moment in everything good in which it all goes crappy. It comes from that time on 'Happy Days' where Fonzie jumped the shark. You know, moments like when Cousin Oliver joined the 'Brady Bunch'. And Yoko when you talk about the Beatles."
"Kris…what does that have to do with anything?"
"It has nothing to do with anything, but it was something that I could say." How do people feel on death row? Like they have nothing left, or do they think that everything they have is gone now? I have nothing left, so I may as well go in for the lethal injection. "I…I had, this sort of crush on you, Mari. Does…anything that you have to say have to do with anything like that?" I just put my nards on the line so I better get something for it. And all I get is a nod from her, but I can see her toying around with the rings on her fingers. Spinning them around. "Your…boyfriend?"
"I…I only went out with him…because…just, because. It…I mean…from the start…even before that…it was you who I wanted to be with." Don't I…just feel stupid now? "It doesn't matter. Him, I mean. We…we never even kissed. It was just sort of…I don't know what it was…pretty much just a few weeks of pointlessness." Am I at fault for that? That she couldn't be happy without me, or with that guy? All along…it was me, who took her smile of innocence, without doing anything.
At least she didn't lose it over sex. Some reason that always bothered me.
It seems like every light I come to has to be red for me tonight. Just my luck really. Today really has been an awful Saturday, but it had started with such promise. I mean…I was happy this afternoon. I had been making a Gundam model and it was coming out pretty well. Did I finish it? I can't recall now. I think I did. Maybe I'll paint it…when everything has been settled though.
What's to be settled though? I already…lost Phaedra today. Can't…see her again. I want to suddenly, but I know…I know I shouldn't. I can't. And then…Mari is right here. What sort…of plan is that to the universe? "Do you want to be my girlfriend then? I loved you, Mari, and…I really don't care now that you know it. It…really doesn't matter what you say though, because I have myself, and sometimes I think that's enough, but there are times you just need another person. So…do you want to go out?"
"I…no. I…I know you've been…been seeing Phaedra—that is her name right? I hope I didn't get it wrong. Anyway…I….I just couldn't ruin that, for her, or for you."
"I already have ruined it…because I'm a horrible person. I just hurt people and I ruin things, just like I probably hurt you and ruined our relationship." I do. I can't deny that it was probably me who was the cause for the loss of her tender, warm, and innocent smile. That she stopped talking, and I did the same. It was probably that night like this where I took her home and then said that I didn't need a girlfriend, or whatever it was that I said. I really can't remember now. "I hurt…Phaedra, even though, it wasn't me who stung her…and…it's not like I caused her to have allergies to be the weapon."
"Kris! Whatever it is you're talking about, I'm sure it was a mistake! Don't beat yourself up over it." Such encouraging words…but are they believable? I mean…was it really all a mistake? I had thought it was. Just an accident and all. But, I don't know, could it have been all my fault. Horrible images are all I can really see when I look back. Scenes of me being in too much of a panic to think the correct actions. And…what if Mr. Gracchus was right the whole time? That it was my fault. "Kris, I…I asked out John today. I figured, that since I know he's your friend that I should tell you that. But, I know I had to tell you…that I…I don't know, had a crush on you? That I loved you? Whatever it was, I had to tell you, and I have. I told you…because…I want to be with John…but…I know I can't unless I settle things with you, and…if I do that, maybe we can at least…remain on friendly terms, all of us. Y'know?"
So…plain John…Mr. Vanilla…he gets away with the girl. Nice guys never do finish last, they just start late. No, what am I saying, I'm probably a nice guy too, somewhere under all of this filth and corruption. '…I've got Kitty Pryde, and Nightcrawler too, waiting there for me, yes I do…' I wish things were as simple as that Weezer song about having a 'Fortress of Solitude' in their garage. Everyone needs one of those. That's why Superman has it after all. I wish I had one. "You and John, then? I just never thought that guy would get a girl in the end. Turns out he just doesn't talk much about them."
"He said…he really didn't know if we should go out…because he knew you liked me."
"Wait, you knew that I liked you before I said it then?"
"Uhm…well, yeah, sort of."
"I really hate that, you know." She laughs about it, but I can't feel angry. It actually makes my lips curve too, and I really don't know how I have the energy to smile. "It's fine with me if you two go out. I think you both need it, and I know he does. Maybe you could make him just a little more expressive and opinionated about something."
"I don't know, have you ever asked him about Spider-Man, he was telling me about this one time he was in this underwater-"
"Underwater laboratory after fighting Doc Ock and he can't get out from under the machinery and he starts to think about how he has to save his Aunt May and all of that?"
"Yeah. How'd you know? Did he tell you as well?"
"Uh…yeah, yeah he did. I guess he is expressive about some things." I don't know why I lied about that…I guess John and I really are on the same page a lot. We even have both been known to like Mari. Too similar for my tastes, but…at least I can tell that I'd like him now too. I really should get some best friends going, rather than worrying about girls or something. "Mari, I don't really know what to do now. I don't…know what I should do."
"Are you asking me…what you should do?"
"Maybe. I'm not sure. I may just be telling you."
"Is this all about, Phaedra as well? What happened?"
"She's…you see, she's…she's not a very strong person. I'm not too clear on all of the details."
"You know that she was a sick child right?"
"How do you know?"
"I may have never been her friend, but I know things. Anyway…so what about it? Did she…did something happen?"
"Well, it was, she's allergic to bee stings, or whatever, that sort of thing. And…we were walking tonight…and…yeah."
"Where is she now?"
"What are you doing here then? You should be there! I know if I were there I'd like the guy I love there as well. The problem here is that you should be there, and you aren't, Kris, that is the problem. So get going!"
"But I can't! I mean…it's…I can't."
"What, are you guilty? Please! It's not like you made the bee go and sting her or anything. You were both just obviously in the wrong place at the wrong time. Nothing more than that. It was all, just an accident."
"Her…her father told me not to go. That it was my fault in the first place. I…I can't go back." Why…why do I have to feel so weak right in front of Mari of all people?
"Peter Parker has been known to fight the Vulture while having a cold, Kris. I think you can handle taking on dangerous circumstances while already being in deep shit to begin with."
"I don't need to be lectured on Spider-Man. I know about him more than you. And…you do notice that not only is he a fictional character, he also has super powers."
"Wasn't he popular for that reason though? Because he may have had super powers, but he still couldn't overcome normal human things. No matter how hard he had tried."
I…no, she's completely right about everything. Life never is meant to go perfect, even when you should think it would. "I…need to go back to the hospital."
"That's good to hear." And…that's it…I stop outside this lady's house and now I know where I should be. "I wonder…what would have happened if we both wound up together."
"I wouldn't say that…it's still to early to tell whether we won't be together someday. You wouldn't want fate to come and bite you hard on the bum."
"No, I suppose I wouldn't want that."
"So…good night. Oh…and…thanks, I guess."
"No…thank you, Kris. Now…get going. You have someone you should be with, don't you?"
"Yeah, I do." That was just rather odd, but I can't sit here in my car while Phaedra just lies there. I want to be there the moment her eyes open. Then she would know that I'm a good guy. That I do actually care for her. Because I know if I'm not there she will think I hated her for some odd reason of hers'. She does tend to think things that make no sense sometimes, but there must be some truth to her feelings somewhere. I don't really care why she thinks she's weak. It was probably her father. Saying stuff like he did to me about her not being allowed to have a boyfriend.
As I leave Mari though, I sort of recall the things I liked about her, and not just her, but every woman I've been attracted to recently. From the Coconuts girl, to my mother's friend. The truth is far from what Andy had told me. That I had some uniform fetish, because it was never the uniform now that I think about it.
There was that girl at Wendy's, and she had the power over the food I ordered. And the girl at Coconuts controlled what music I could buy. It wasn't uniforms, it was women in power that I was attracted to. They all controlled me, and that's why Samantha meant nothing, because she hadn't controlled me in any way. I had the power in that relationship. I was going to have sex in my car with that girl from Coconuts. I was. And right when it got to the good part, I wussed out. Because I wasn't attracted to her anymore. It wasn't because of her loss of uniform, it was because at that moment suddenly I was the one in charge, and I couldn't accept that. Then, she tells me to take her home, and when I look at her next I was attracted again. All because she was back in power.
And even with Phaedra…when we had sex, it was her that brought it on. It was her in charge, as unmanly I feel realizing that now. I live to be a follower, and I know I'm a terrible leader.
But, now I have to abandon that ideal. I need to be the leader. Because I have to have enough guts to go back into that place, and…I don't know, but it will be interesting what I do. I'm sure of it.
Of course, I may do nothing at all once I'm in there. I guess I'll just have to see what Hank Gracchus has in regards to retaliation to my return.
I knew it was too silent today. It's just close to eleven at night, but I knew it felt too quiet out. So naturally, of course, it would snow. Not a hard snow. No, just light, but it is still snow. I hadn't really thought it would snow though. It's only late November after all, so snow is the last thing on my mind.
Especially when evading Mr. Gracchus should be on the top of my list of things to have on the mind. I mean, it's easy to see Phaedra. Since she is seventeen, and since she is in the children's wing visitors are allowed at anytime. Wait…is that as long as you're related? I don't know, but I'm halfway to her room as it is, so it doesn't matter at this point.
No, I really shouldn't be worrying about running into Phaedra's father. I think the whole point of my coming here is to see that man in the first place. What would merely showing up prove aside from the fact that I am worried for her? Which…I don't really think I have to prove, and I don't really feel the need to prove. No, but if I come back after he said not to obviously something will have to have been hit into that head of his that it won't be as easy as simply saying that. I have to make him regret not actually punching me.
Even though I don't want to be punched to begin with.
Right, so to begin with the room I know Phaedra is in. I should have known she would be with company though.
"Oh, so you've returned, Mr. Jackson, right?"
"Um…yeah, uh…I have." Sandra Gracchus. Phaedra sleeping cozy in her bed, and Sandra sitting on her bedside like those scenes I see in movies, but in real life now.
"Don't worry about Hank. He won't be along for a bit. So, why don't you take a seat?" I just don't…feel right about all of this. She just seems all too cheery for all of this. I guess that means though, that Phaedra is well. That should give me some relief in all of this. Still…should I do as she says? "You like to stand?"
"No, I mean, I'm sorry. A seat, right." The only seat is the one placed on the other side of the bed. So, it's just odd to be staring right at Sandra now, only separated by her daughter and the bed that Phaedra lies in.
"So, why did you come back?"
"Why?" What sort of answer can I possibly hope to give? "I…uh, well,"
"You love my daughter?"
Mothers can always seem to make the unblushable blush. "Something…like that. But! I mean to say…not…that…exactly."
"You seem so embarrassed. Love is a word that one defines for themselves…so it can only mean whatever you want it to. So…you are the one who embarrasses yourself."
"I came back…because I felt that I needed to come back. I can't find any other reason right now."
"She's doing well, by the way. She's only resting right now."
"D-do you think she could hear us?" She is only asleep, right? So…I mean, what if she hears me talking about her? I'd just feel awkward if she knew everything. "They did say she was only resting, right, and not that it was a coma. Because I know after this sort of thing you could go into a coma."
"No, no. Just resting they said, and I intend to stick to that."
"Good, good." It feels so off to watch Phaedra, but to see no life in her. I'm so used to her in the other light. It's just that I can't explain it. I can't explain why I'm so drawn to her, but I know I do wonder about her when she isn't even around. Yesterday I hadn't even seen her, and I remember being at the store looking at a CD and remembering that she liked whatever band it was. The band isn't all too important. If she's sleeping I wonder if she's dreaming, and if she's dreaming I want to know if she's dreaming of me. "When will she wake up?"
"They aren't too sure just yet."
"They said it would probably be within the next day."
"Um…can I ask…where is your husband?"
"I can't say for sure now. I told him to go get some dinner, being that he hadn't eaten. Hopefully I bought you some time."
"Some time? What? To come in and do this and run before he gets back?"
"No, I can't do that. I'd…hate hiding in the shadows just to be with your daughter. That, would just be unhealthy for all of us."
"I can't let him come in here and get all riled up again. He isn't as strong as he used to be."
"Why does he want to hate me? I mean…why can't Phaedra just be normal and have a boyfriend?"
"It's…because of his sister."
"Yes. He had an older sister who was similar to Phaedra…in regards to health. It is some sort of condition, I can't pronounce what it is, but it seems to be passed down. Phaedra and his sister both had it."
"What does that have to do with me?"
"Well, Hank is really…he's just blind, but, his sister fell in love with a man, and it was following that time when she got deathly ill. And…I…do mean deathly. The problem was that, the man that she loved had come down with ammonia or bronchitis…something like that, I was never told which one it was exactly."
"She took care of him when he was sick and got the disease or illness herself then?" A nod means that I am right, and I find that being correct this once is not actually something I want to brag about. "So…she died from it because her body just couldn't fight it as well as the guy."
"Yes." Would the same happen with me and Phaedra? There is no answer to that question. No, we will never be able to answer that until the very end. Until she has died. Until then I could never really say. But…is it really something I should worry about? That she should worry about? No wonder she is the way she is. Always thinking that she is weak. Because she does feel weak. She feels weak because she doesn't know what will happen next. She doesn't know if tomorrow she will die. That the sniffles she has one day turns to flu the next. She's afraid. We all are though. We all are afraid of that. Just because the risk is greater for her does not mean that she should act as if she were already dead. I think I made her feel alive. I think that's how it was with her aunt as well. "Hank blames him for her death. He will always. Even though he had no part if killing her. But…you know…kill the messenger and all."
"I can understand that. It's the same with tonight, isn't it? I was the messenger who just happened to be there the moment the message arrived."
"You really won't leave before he returns?"
"No. I won't leave when Phaedra needs me most. I need her too, and I can only hope that the strength she hides so well will help me with Hank."
"I can't be involved in this. It will be just you two this time. If I stay nothing will be resolved."
"I know. I want you to go when he gets here."
I hear heavy steps…so…it must be time. "That sounds like him."
"Right. Then you should go."
"I can only hope that everything goes well. I don't want to have another person admitted to the hospital."
"I won't hurt him."
"I was talking about you." Why does she laugh about that as she leaves? Seriously, that does not help my confidence. I don't suppose it would aid anyone's self-esteem. No, not at all.
I can feel the sense of fear in my thoughts. I mean, the way they sound to me. And, I can feel my palms, and they are totally wet from sweat. I just don't feel good about this at all. Nosiree. Now that I've heard Mrs. Gracchus finish talking out in the hall I can only guess that I should be steeling my nerves right now.
And in walks the man I've ambitiously set out to meet here. I didn't notice, but he may be taller than me. Or maybe I just feel that he is taller than I am. He's definitely intimidating, no matter what anyone says. At least he doesn't look as evil—angry—as he had earlier. That gives me better chances of not getting placed in a situation like last time when his fist hovered in the air in front of me.
"What are you doing back here? I thought I told you I never wanted to see you again, and that I want you to stay out of my daughter's life."
"You did tell me that."
"So…then why do you disrespect me like this?"
"It…it was you who disrespected me first. Why should I show you respect if you show me none? Because you're my elder? Tough shit. Just because you may be more experienced and older doesn't mean you deserve a prize. Because you may be experienced, but that doesn't make you wise. You may be smart, but that doesn't make you wise. You are just being rash and arrogant."
"How dare you…"
"I want to start over with you. I want us to be on better terms."
"I thought I made myself perfectly clear earlier. I really don't want anything to do with you, and I want you to have nothing to do with Phaedra."
"Now, now, we're all adults here, right? So, how about we calm ourselves?" I really should take up acting if this is how calm and arrogant I act when I'm really scared shitless.
"What is it you want?"
"Truthfully, I'm not sure I want anything in particular. I really just…want the right to see your daughter."
"And I've already told you that was out of the question."
"Listen, I heard about your sister and all of that. I understand where you're coming from on this. You think I'll only be Phaedra's end, but…I would never want that. Tonight, it wasn't my fault she's here."
"You blame it on her than?"
"No! I never blamed anyone did I? There is no one to blame directly for what happened. We could blame the bee that stung her, but, I mean…that just seems stupid."
"Listen, I don't have the patience for this."
"Wait, just listen. I mean, it is partly my fault, and after speaking to you earlier I even thought it was all my fault, but it isn't. This was an accident. I will admit, there were things I could have done differently, but there were things she could have done differently too."
"I suppose the next thing you'll say is that you love her to the ends of the Earth or something?"
"No, that would be foolish of me, wouldn't it? Saying something like that is so unbelievable, and most of the time ends up being untrue. But I care for Phaedra a lot, if that's what you want to know."
"I suppose the simple fact that you came back should be proof of that."
"Your sister, knew there was the chance she would get sick as well when she took care of that guy she loved. You never admitted that her death was an accident. I'm sure he felt even worse about it all than even you. When you both were hurt by the loss all you could do was make him feel worse about the whole thing just like you tricked me into feeling worse tonight."
I know that statement was a gamble, but though I saw him flinch he didn't act out against me, and I'm thankful for that. "I think you should go."
"I don't think I'm done here."
"You are, trust me. You're no good to Phaedra right this moment. Not until you go to bed. So why don't you just go on home and come back tomorrow."
"I think you heard me."
"Uh…does that mean that…um,"
"Maybe. There is something I think I need to think about. But there are things you need to think about as well."
"Sir, I…thank you."
"I…for allowing me to come back again."
"Whatever. You should go home."
"I can do that…I guess. As long as I will have the chance to come back again, and again."
"Time will tell. I never said there would be a second again, and neither does she."
"Right." Great…no I have to have that thought on my head too. That maybe after all of this Phaedra may not want me around, but…I know she does.
"Just remember though…we aren't done talking yet."
"Right…I'll have to remember that."
"Good night." What a polite way of saying 'Get the Hell out' to me. I guess I shouldn't press my luck and just leave.
Of course, I didn't think his wife would be the type to eavesdrop on us, but she must have been. She was standing right outside the door. "Oh, good night Kris. I'll be happy to see you tomorrow."
"Right. Me too. Good night."
I just have this strangest feeling as I walk away, but I have no clue what it is, and I can't say I really want to be bothered with more thoughts.
I wonder what it was that I told Mr. Gracchus that changed his mind? Was it that whole part about his sister? I really didn't think that would let him see his daughter, but maybe he just realized what I was saying, and I guess now I got him to be lost and confused. But by doing that I also made him not be either of those two. What was that thing, the thing in Taoism where it says that ugliness is born because we created the concept of beauty? That without good there would be no evil, so it must be good to be evil sometimes? Wait…that latter one was what Satan said in the South Park movie. Well, I think it still applies anyway.
Still, I can only think that tomorrow will just make today seem all the better. Phaedra may have been hurt, but…I think it cleared up a lot of other things because it happened. Sometimes bad things just have to happen to allow good ones. I'm willing to take some good blows to the face if it means I will have a few ice packs and TLC for it as well. I'm willing to break myself to stop something from breaking another. I guess deep down that's who I really am…inside all of this stupid outer shell. I used to not care that much. I wasn't interested in that part of a relationship. I was more about the physical stuff, but, I've had that part, and I don't think it feels as good as the other side of love. It leaves me feeling better. Because, everything physical is empty in the end. It was there, and once it is gone, it's gone. But the other side of love never goes away. It just latches onto your memories, thoughts, and onto your heart and makes it so hard to shake off.
Now I know what that weird feeling was when I started walking down this hall with the pale white walls. The halls that smell too clean to me. That feeling was just something I never got around to do. Someone I never got the chance to talk to. So, naturally I have to go back.
"Excuse me, uh, would you two mind if…I just got to stay with her a little longer?" I never noticed how much my hand could shake when I was nervous. Not until I was standing here facing the parents of Phaedra.
"Let's go dear." Sandra looks to her husband though after she says that. It's really him that decides this. "We should leave him alone with her to say good night."
"Fine…but I'll be just outside boy…so don't do anything odd." What could I do that would be odd? I really have no clue. But the two of them leave me with their daughter anyway.
It's still so weird to see her like this. I never have seen her sleeping before, so this is new to me, but, I could get used to it. I really can't say anything to her, and I don't really know what I wanted when I came in here. But I'm just content with sitting next to her and holding that warm hand of hers.
In time I'll leave and go home and rest, and just like her father said, I will come back tomorrow, and I bet she'll be better then, and I can see her feel bad and say she's ashamed of how weak she was to end up here. Then I'll tell her how stupid she is for saying that, and eventually I'll win, and she will stop thinking that. Eventually things will be normal again, no, better than normal, and I can't wait for that. And it's weird to think that all of that will happen by tomorrow.
It's only a day away, and it feels so far away, but a day is rather short…as a person I just make it longer.
The sun is always brighter and warmer the day after the storm, isn't it? I guess there's always that sun to look forward to when the world is in disorder. There are people who always look at that instead of the storm, and they get lost in the storm and are never heard from again. And people also just look at the storm, and get lost when it's all over and cannot put life back together again. I guess I won't be if I keep my eye on the storm and look forward to the sun after the storm, because you can't fall in the gutter when you do that.
Why would people look so forward to the end of something anyway? It's only during something that a person ever feels really alive, and that's why most stories don't start with the ending after all, because there is no passion in the ending, so there would be nothing to see. Like I would want to see the part of the story where the character is now sitting at home paying his bills. I want to see the part where he's blowing up the buildings that made that bill, where he was getting the girl with whom he is now paying mortgage with, where he was overcoming the illness he was now paying bills for, or…whatever.
I just want to remain curious as to how I think stories will end. Just like how I'm curious as to what I will do next, and to what will happen to me next. I think I finally know what I want to tell Phaedra before I leave tonight. But just what will I say next? I guess only time will ever tell us anything we actually want to know. And I know I can wait for that.OKOKOOKOKOOOKO
AN: That's the end of this story. It's very open-ended, as are most of my stories really seeing that I don't believe in endings. I'm sure there was something I should have thrown in here as well. If you don't like the ending, just tell me. Anything that makes the story better will be great for me. I want to make it better.
I find it funny though that I've written five chapters, about forty something pages, of my new book already. I'm posting it right after this, so go and read it if you will. I'm trying my best to make it different than the last two stories. Sam was different than Kris, and that's what I intend to do again. I want to make him a likeable character you'll hate. He's going to be a jerk, just as fair warning. He's going to do the wrong things, and he's never going to be able to make the right choices on the things that matter, because he won't be able to know what really matters. Instead he just has what he thinks matters. And he's always egotistical and in a world of his own. Anyway, I just was going to say that here so I can have that story go without any AN like this. I hate making them. But I have to make one here to let you know McDonald's Girl was over unless someone has a problem with this ending and I'll have to come back and make it good. Anyway, hope to see any of you again.