bOooooooo a story contest of sorts. Between me and my sistah. My real actual live and blooded sister. It's called a flash. flashing. something. Anyway, it goes like this. I give her a random title. She gives me a random title. We have 75 minutes to write a story. Well, this what she gave me: Instant Shine Tip. I gave her the title Norman and the Amazing Exploding Coconut Pies, which you can find under the author Metropolis Noir. I may add it to my favorites, but it depends on my ability to do internet related things and how willing fictionpress is being tonite. /b

uInstant Shine Tip/u

He stared at the box, blinking in perplexation, and wondering why the hell he had gotten such a present from his mother. iInstant Shine/i, the box read in bold, shiny silver letters across the front of the box. Was it a not-so-subtle hint on the state of his teeth? Sure they weren't the radioactive glowing white from those horrible toothpaste commercials, but they weren't overly yellow from tobacco or coffee.
iTips for use: 1: Do not use in conjunction with other chemicals. /i
He blinked at that. Shouldn't it be directions for use? Oh well. A small smile crept up on his face. iI wonder what would happen should I use it with other chemicals. /i An image popped into his mind, of that childhood chemistry set his mother had gotten for him for Christmas when he was eight, set up on the dining room table. He stood behind the table, dressed in a pristine white lab coat, with glowing green goggles and wild greying hair shooting all over the place. He would let out a maniacal cackle as he took a smoking test tube from the rack and carefully added a few drops of the tooth-whitening solution to the glowing purple chemicals. A small explosion would result, causing his face, goggles and lab coat to be covered in soot. The smoke would clear, only to reveal a gaping hole in the bottom of the test tube, the dining room table, and the dining room floor, each hole ringed in a pulsing blue color. The door would open, and in would come his mother. And he would run like the very beasts of hell were upon him, for his mother's wrath was not to be underestimated if he made a mess anywhere in the house that he didn't clean.
i2: Flammable, keep stored in a cool dry place away from fire or flame. /i
A bigger smile found its way to his face, and once again his imagination took flight, this time leading him to the bright, sunny outdoors, armed with a magnifying glass in one hand and the small bottle of whitening solution in the other hand. He would find an open spot on the sidewalk, as the dirt and ground would only soak in the liquid. Perhaps he would even steal one of those small plastic bowls that his mother used for condiments at mealtimes. Yeeesss. he would pour the solution into the bowl and set the magnifying glass to it, watching it heat up to the point where it would catch fire, the little flames dancing about the bowl in the most pleasing way. Or maybe it would not catch fire, but explode with a small combustion, shooting flaming pieces of the bowl all over the yard. The grass would catch on fire, and it being summer, the fire would spread through the dry grass quickly, lighting on fire the various trees and plants that filled his front yard. The fire department would be called, the fire would be extinguished, and yet again he would be in trouble.
i3: Keep this and all drugs out of the reach of children. In case of an accidental ingestion, call a Poison Control Center immediately. /i
He looked at the third tip quizzically. If it was indeed tooth whitener, as it appeared to be, then shouldn't it not be so harmful if you swallowed it? How odd. He smiled, imagining the consequences of ingestion. There would be a small glass of the solution on the counter in the kitchen for some reason or the other. He would leave it there, forgetting about it as soon as he walked away. His father would come into the house, hot, sweating and tired after a laborious afternoon with yard work. He would see the apparently cool, refreshing water just sitting there innocently with no purpose in life other than to collect condensation. His father would think, i oh what a poor tragic waste of the unsuspecting water's life. Can't have that. /i His father would pick up the glass and chug it down, never suspecting the true nature of what resided in the glass. His father would then leave the kitchen, surprisingly refreshed, and head outside to do more yard work. He himself would wander back into the kitchen and stare blankly at the empty glass, a niggling feeling tickling the back of his skull telling him he had forgotten something. He would shrug it off, telling himself that if it was really that important, he would've remembered it. Later that evening, he and his mother would be sitting down to dinner, waiting for his father to finish trimming some massive bush in the backyard before he would come in and sit down to the open mouth stares of his son and wife.
"What?" he would ask, perplexed. They would just point, and he would look down to find himself covered in large ishiny/i orange polka dots.
i4: Use only once a day. /i
Grinning, he envisioned the TV commercials that featured this product. But in the place of the shiny, radioactive white that they so popularly featured, these commercials would show Susan B. and Jonny Q with rotting, half eaten away. iDon't let this happen to you. Use Instant Shine responsibly/i. And then of course, the obligatory people with the beautiful white radioactive smiles. i Surgeon General advises that at most, one application a day is used. Women who are pregnant or nursing are encouraged to ingest small amounts a day so that their children can have radioactive teeth as well.
5: Results can take up to 21 days to appear. Be patient! /i
Yes, as though by telling him to be patient would help if his teeth didn't appear whiter after the first day. As though, without this admonition to be patient, he would get angry quickly, and storm their headquarters, aiming to take out as many employees as he could by spiking their water coolers and coffee pots with large amounts of Instant Shine or Draino. He blinked, wondering idly if he could even find the headquarters, before moving on to read the sixth and final tip.
i6: For best results, smile often! /i
He shook his head. How the hell was smiling often supposed to make his teeth whiter? It made no sense whatsoever. Or maybe it did. afterall, he couldn't really disprove it. He never really opened his mouth when he smiled, not at all pleased with the quality of his teeth. But really, if everyone who smiled often got the radioactive white teeth, people would be blinded on a daily basis. He grinned again, showing off his mouthful of less-than-pristine teeth, imagining a world where everyone walked about wearing dark shades because of the blinding quality of everyone else's smiles. Blinding white light that would streak out from the radioactive teeth to bounce off every available surface - cars, windows, other people's teeth. The light would never fade, a brand new light source that was as impossible to extinguish as the sun. Oooo scary.
His mouth quirked up in another grin. Maybe this iInstant Shine/i was just his mother's way of telling him to smile more. He wouldn't put it past her, she was all sneaky like that with her not-so-upfront messages hiding under the surfaces of most things. He tossed the bottle and box into the garbage in the sink, grin still teasing up the corners of his mouth, and headed off to smile at his mom.