Princess Leah
PART SIX
"Of Revenge and Pixie Stix"
Authors Note: It has been nearly a month since I have written to you, dear readers. I am sure you are shocked that I did not update this story on Valentines Day, but the truth is the entire month of February depresses me. Most of the month I sit huddled in a corner crying over the fact that after two years I have still not won Leah's heart, or doing calculus homework. As you can see, I had a very full schedule. But now it is March. A new month, and a new chance to win Leah!
Although I am disgusted to announce that a certain annoying girl from my calculus class has started sending me love poems and following me around the hallways during school. I would just like to say…GERTIE LEAVE ME ALONE! I mean…come on! Who is deluded enough to think that if they follow around someone they like that eventually that person will start to like them too. Geez!
Oh! I almost forgot! Even thought I did not receive a Valentine from Leah (…yet. I'm still hoping that it's lost in the mail. Keep your fingers crossed readers!), neither did one of my mortal enemies. No, not Lady Chelsey (she actually did get a Valentine from some football player named Dick Beckaloff. Yes, I know…poor Dick).
It was DUSTIN who received no Valentine! He and Leah finally broke up! I can't be sure, but I think I heard the trumpets of angels sounding after I heard Leah speak these seven words…
"I think we should see other people."
Naturally I was spying on her from behind a bookshelf in the library, and heard the entire thing! I had to hold my hand over my mouth to keep from screaming out in joy! However my happiness was short lived. I soon found out why she broke up with Dustin. Leah had a new love named Melson. This Melson. has apparently already graduated from high school! Not to mention he has a giant motorcycle and wears leather jackets. He's even in a band called Badass! Oh, how can I compete with such a…rebel??!!!!
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Forest Enchantress Gertrude was angry. No so angry that she ripped apart every pillow in her little forest hut, or that she drew mustaches and black eyes on all of the pictures of the person she was mad at…but angry enough that she decided to become an evil villain. For you see no one EVER says no to the great Forest Enchantress Gertrude.
But one man had. And he happened to be the only man that she'd ever really loved. She had shown him kindness and understanding and in return he had abandoned her to go on some stupid quest to try and win back his bimbo girlfriend.
'Why, Knight X? Why?!' she had lamented. After he didn't return for two weeks Gertie had come to a realization, he had succeeded in winning back his princess, and now he would never return to her.
It was then Gertie decided to become an evil villain and do whatever she could to work against Knight X's silly princess "Leah". If he wouldn't come back to her she would just have to take him back at whatever cost. She just had to figure out how…
The answer: Join an elite group of assassins who were committed to overthrowing the royal family of LawrenceNorthHighSchoolLand. Once the royal family had been captured, Gertie would make sure that their idiot Princess would never steal anything from her again!
Gertie glanced at her sundial impatiently. She had been expecting some very important visitors but as usual…they were late. 'Worthless.' She thought to herself. 'Positively worthless!' Suddenly two tiny bright lights began racing toward Gertie's hut. The two lights seemed to be arguing about something and stopped every few feet to yell at each other. When they saw Gertie waiting angrily in front of her hut they quickly flew to her side.
"Pixie Kate!" said one of the lights. "And Pixie Skylar!" said the other. "At your service, ma'am!" they both said at once.
"You pixies are late again! That's the third time this week!" Gertie screamed.
"Oh…yeah…well…um…Skylar wet the bed this morning so…." began Pixie Kate
"KATE!" interrupted Pixie Skylar. "You promised!! Fine, then…Kate picks her earwax out and eats it! So there!"
"You swore that was our secret!" screamed Pixie Kate.
"Turnabout's fair play, dear friend."
"Shut up! At least I'm not stupid!"
"At least I'm not ugly!"
"ENOUGH!" Gertie yelled. "You idiot pixies better give me one good reason not to fire you right now! I do not tolerate incompetence when it comes to my spies!"
"W-w-w-well…" stuttered Pixie Skylar. "Um…we did find this." He handed Gertie a tiny slip of paper. She snatched it up impatiently.
"Well, well, well…you pixies prove to be helpful for once." Gertie said with an arrogant smile. "You may go now."
"Hold the phone lady! What about our payment?" questioned Pixie Kate.
"Payment? Who said I was paying you?"
Pixie Kate snatched the small piece of paper out of Gertie's sweaty palms. "This is very valuable information, sister. If you're not going to pay perhaps I ought to take it to someone who will appreciate it…"
""Grrr…oh fine! Twenty grams of powder. This stuff kills though you know. It's not something to be screwed around with. Now go!" Gertie pulled out ten Pixi Stix and threw them at the two pixies. Immediately they both ripped open their first stick and dumped the sugar in their mouths.
Gertie took a glance at the paper again. She finally had everything she needed to destroy Princess Leah!
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"Oh! Yes! YES! YES! That's the spot Knight X! Yes! Yes!"
Princess Leah's shrill cries resonated throughout the hallway. As usual she and I (her newly reconciled lover) were doing on of our favorite activities.
"Great job Knight X! Ok, now right hand on blue!"We were playing Twister of course! I attempted to place my right hand on blue while my other hand was on green, and my left foot was on yellow. It proved to be too tricky and I came tumbling down, dragging down Leah as well. We fell into a heaping pile of giggles. It was magical! It had been a little of three days since Leah and I had gotten back together, and I couldn't remember being happier! We spent most of our days sauntering down sunny beaches, eating romantic candlelit lunches, and singing songs with some of our closest friends.
Okay, so I lied.
We had spent the last few days apart for most of the time (for as you are well aware I am sole guardian of the royal family and therefore spend most of my days spying…err…watching them). And the beaches weren't exactly…well…beaches. They were the beaches found in the sewers, where the sand is actually rotting trash and the ocean is brown sludge. Although we did have a few romantic candlelit lunches! But that is because there is no electricity in the sewers. And we hadn't been singing with our closest friends, only the sewer rats. It was a brief, and cherished moment when my dear Leah and I could find time to be alone together. That's why we were having so much fun playing Twister!
Suddenly I felt an odd tingling sensation in my right toe. The only times I could remember having this feeling someone was plotting against my beloved princess. "My revenge sense is tingling!" I announced to Leah. "Um…sexy?" Leah added sounding somewhat freaked out.
"No! It's not sexy at all! Whenever I get this feeling someone is plotting against you my darling!"
"Wait…then why have you never mentioned it before?"
"Look, it's not my fault the author forgot to mention it!"
"Oh, Knight X! You're being paranoid! You've already killed two ex-boyfriends, my best friend and her evil twin. Who's left to seek revenge on me? Leah replied with confidence.
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Meanwhile someone was busy seeking revenge on Princess Leah….
"Ah ha! Finally I have all I need to get rid of that stupid princess! Maybe I ought to give those bumbling pixies a raise…" Gertie muttered to herself. She walked over towards her kitchen where a cauldron bubbled over an open fire. "Thanks to them I finally found Leah's weakness…bad boys!" she cackled evilly to herself. Gertie then opened a cabinet and grabbed three small glass bottles and tattered book. It was her recipe book naturally! And she opened it to
"Ahem…now let's see …a dash of snips, a cup of snails…and most importantly 15 puppy dog tails!" Gertie mumbled. "Stir well and enjoy! Alright that sounds easy enough. Hmm…I wonder if it's creepy that I talk to myself. Perhaps I ought to get a cat. Oh! Focus Gertie old girl! Okay, here goes…"
She added the ingredients cautiously into the cauldron "Perfect! Now for the secret ingredient! A leather jacket!! Ahahahaha!!!…cough…cough…Ahahahaha!!!"
Suddenly a cloud of black smoke exploded into the air! Gertie stood face to face with a sexy raven-haired boy wearing a black leather jacket and holding a cigarette between two fingers. "Oh my! Wow! I am such a genius! You'll work perfectly!" Gertie smiled smugly. "Ahem…so, you there…boy…you are to do my bidding without complaint! Right now I want you to march up to the castle and seduce my lover's girlfriend! Got it?"
"What are you, my mom?" the boy answered arrogantly.
"Actually…yes! I am! Now hippity skippity boy!"
"Hey. My name's not 'boy'. It's Mellson. You say you're my mom and you don't even know my name! Where have you been my whole life man? I hate you and everything you stand for!"
"Listen…Mellson…you're life started roughly ten seconds ago! I've been standing here the whole time!"
"Yeah, well…screw you!"
With that, Mellson jumped out the kitchen window and onto a motorcycle that was coincidently outside. He also managed to grab a large bottle of vodka that was also coincidently sitting by the window.
"Wait! No! Don't go!" Gertie called after Melson…but it was too late. "Well…I'll just have to follow him and make sure he goes to that castle! Evvvvvvil Enchantress AWAY!"
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It was late in the night when Leah and I heard a knock at the door. Although I was somewhat wary, I allowed Leah to answer the door. She ushered in a hooded figure who looked very hungry and tired. It had to be a trick! I made sure to load up my gun…
"Oh, you poor thing! You look so tired! Here come in and have a rest!" Leah said to the figure with a smile. She's so hospitable my Leah! Slowly we saw the figure take off its hood and to our shock it was none other than….LADY CHELSEY!
…Or perhaps Lady Smellsey!
Both are equally shocking because they were both supposed to be dead! Leah gasped and I pulled out my gun and pointed it at her head. "No! Please sir!" the ghost girl begged. "I'm not who you think I am! My name is Lady Quellsey and I am the baby sister of Lady Smellsey and Chelsey!"
"Okaaay. Point being?"
"Well, you see…I ran away from home because I didn't want to take up the family business! Being an evil henchman that is…"
"Go on…" Her story intrigued me, but I still wanted to blast her head off.
"I was told I could seek refuge in this castle. I heard it was guarded by a brave and noble Knight."
"Flattery doesn't suit evil twins…errr…evil siblings!"
"Knight X! Why are you always judging people? If you don't let her stay…I'll…I'll break up with you!" Leah interjected.
" Oh fine! You can sleep in that mud puddle." I replied sarcastically.
Oh darn you Leah! Your beauty and poise eclipse my common sense!
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The next morning I decided to dedicate the entire day to spying on our "guest". She nauseated me with her cheerful singing with the woodland creatures and happy-go-lucky attitude. My gun was armed and ready the entire day. I knew her sunny disposition had to be an act! She was only biding her time…waiting until the rest of Sir Marc's supporters came to help her murder my Leah! Despicable wench! But the laugh was on her! I was on to her! I would not be tricked as easily as Leah was!
Later that day the disgusting Quellsey had a 'tea party' with my Leah in the garden. I spied on her from behind a bush and was shocked at what I heard. Quellsey and Leah were actually laughing and talking together! "So, the plot thickens…" I whispered to myself.
"What was that?" asked Quellsey.
"Um, probably Knight X." Leah answered.
"Here? Right now?"
"Yeah, he has to follow me around in secret everyday to protect me from being murdered…"
Blast! Leah had blown my cover! Quellsey looked around suspiciously, but thankfully never caught a glimpse of me. I vowed to be more careful in the future.
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That night Leah and I were engaged in a game of late night Monopoly…another one of our favorite hobbies. Leah was winning…but only because I was letting her! "One, two…three…"
"Oh! Knight X! You just landed on my Indiana Avenue! That'll be two thousand dollars!"
"Two thousand! I only have ten and this little get out of jail free card!"
"Ok, then I'll just add two thousand more dollars to your 'I Owe Leah' account! That makes the new total about…15,000 dollars."
"Leah my love…I beg you. Can we play something else?"
"No! You're about to have a comeback Knight X! It's my roll now…"
Before Leah could roll the dice an ominous knock was heard at the door. I rolled my eyes. If it was another 'sibling' of Lady Chelsey I decided that I would have to blow her brains out immediately. Leah and I answered the door…again. To our shock it was someone much more sinister looking. It was….
STAY TUNED FOR PART TWO!