Once and again.
Left in this darkness alone.
I do not know what I did. But I know I'm suffering for it now, yet I do not know what it is. Nobody would tell me what it is. And now, I'm afraid to guess. Afraid to assume. Because it hurts. It disappoints me to the ends of the world to know that I thought wrong. Again.
Why won't you tell me?
If I knew, it wouldn't hurt so much. Sometimes I'd like to push myself to think that you really hate me now, and that's the reason you want me to never get out of this pain.
But sadly, I know you enough to not think that. It's something else. Something else and I don't have any idea what it is. I do not have idea why you do the things you do.
And again, it's sad because I thought I knew you enough. But I do not, do I? I do not know you enough to read you. And when I try to find answers, you turn away so I do not see your eyes. You turn away, but you do not leave.
Why do you do this to me?
No matter how much I want to drop to my knees and beg you to just go away to stop this torment, I end up drowning in futility. Because everytime I see you, everytime I know you are near, I am tormented by these questions. I am tormented by the fact that you are just a hair's breadth away from my hands, and I could go no nearer because you step away everytime I do. You just step away. But I want you to walk away.
I want you to go away from my life and close the door. For good.
But I want you to know, that whatever happens, I'd be keeping every second of you inside. I'd keep every warm smile, every touch, every gentle gesture and comforting word inside.
I'd keep them here as memories. Memories of the past. What was done could not be undone, and I had long given up the thought of forgetting everything. It makes me hurt more when they haunt me in the empty seconds.
Now I am afraid to go near you because I do not know what you would do. I am afraid that you will turn away again. I am afraid to hear that you really do hate me now. I'm afraid that you already had forgotten.
You and everything you left is a thing of the past, and I know, no matter how much I want to relive everything, to be at your side again, everything is different now. And even if I don't want any of it, there is nothing I could do to avoid it.
Is this all just your sudden change of mind, or are you doing this purposedly?
Why do you want me to hurt like this?
It's already getting painful having to embrace all these thoughts.
Is it really that you just decided to throw away everything just like that?
I did not know you to be that kind of person. But now I'm afraid that everything you showed me, everything I'd known you for were lies all this time.
I'm afraid to go near because I'm afraid to know that all I've given, all I've done, all we've done was just a big mistake. Things of no value. Trash that must be thrown away.
Now I do not know until when I can keep my faith up. Faith that the reason why you are doing all this is something else. I have hoped for so long. I have believed for so long. And I am afraid that all of that effort would be wasted with just one word you could say.
I hate you for making me this vulnerable.
You are the only one who can ever do this to me. Should I regret giving you that power?
I try to avoid these overwhelming feelings. I try to stay as far away from you far as possible. I try to do everything so I do not have time to think of all these redundant questions. Even if I drop half dead to my bed at night of all the weariness of the things I distract myself with, I know it's all worth the pain of dwelling in what you left me.
I hate myself for doing this to me. I hate myself for letting you in my life and let you come so very near that I would feel empty when you leave that place. I hate myself for letting you know me too well. I hate myself for thinking that I could finally be happy. I hate myself for thinking that you are the meaning I have been long looking for in my life. Now I'm paying off with this heaviness in me, and this longing that I kept buried inside.
But all this hate could never outdo the pain. It could not change the fact that things change. But still, I could not accept the possibility that it could change that fast.
Do you think that I didn't value any of the things we shared, that's why you think that we could both just forget it that easily, throw it away just like that?
Now it hurts more to think that I only thought you knew me but you really didn't. To think that I only thought I knew you but really didn't.
What is happening?
And now that I could do nothing but ask this questions to somebody who refuses to hear, I'm putting faith that time could wash away the blood my soul is bleeding now.
Honestly, there is nothing I want more now than to look you in the eye and ask you if I am worth anything at all.
But I know it will be just like before.
You would turn away.