10:30 am I wake up to the shrill crying of a small bird somewhere out in the garden. When I feel like it I might go and dispatch it, but for now, expensive furniture and chicken left unguarded on the table calls to me.

11:00 am After a refreshing drink from the toilet (the water seems to have an extra pleasantness to it than the one served in the bowl downstairs), I venture down into the kitchen. One of the humans is sitting on the new leather sofa in the living room, but I am dismayed to discover that my food bowl is empty. Totally devoid! I begin mewing furiously at the human, who ignores me until I began chewing his feet. That trick always works (unless the human is wearing shoes, which is annoying. Empty shoes, however, are excellent places for stashing dead rodents).

The human concedes and begins to walk leisurely to my bowl, all the time making kissing noises at me, and talking. Its speech is lost on me though, because I happen to only speak cat (the human does not realise this).

After an age I am able to relish the delicious (not) dry biscuits in my bowl. I finish eating and head for the garden. Nothing else makes a better brunch than fresh mouse, or vole tails.

12:00 am An hour of hunting has exercised my supple limbs, but left me hungry because whenever I spot or catch a whiff of rodent a human conveniently tramps towards me and croons like an idiot. When will I train them?

12:30 am Success! Triumphantly I carry in my prize, a record-breaking mouse. Boy, does it weigh something! I hurry through the kitchen, but a human sees me and begins to shout in alarm. It's only a dead mouse, for pity's sake. They must think it's poisonous.

I run to escape the arms of my owners, and make it to upstairs to a clean, white bed. I have just started to dissect it and get rid of all the nasty tasting organs when the humans burst into the room.

One looks really annoyed, probably about the blood on the bed. Honestly, you only need a little saliva and a good, rough cats tongue to clean it.

1:00 pm I mourn for the stolen prize by the dustbin for a few minutes, then forget about it. I suppose I'll find another giant mouse in a few days.

I retire back to my comfy cushion upstairs, and settle in for a nice, long catnap.

5:00 pm My restoring sleep ends, and I pad downstairs to try out the texture on the new leather sofa.

5:04 pm Wow! This is an excellent sofa. I dig my claws in, pull them down the leather, and pull them out again in a repeated cycle.

I hope the long slashes won't show up.

6:00 pm Goodnight, no more narrating for me today. I'm getting bored of it, and I don't think I'll do it again.

Bye!