"Alone"

Loneliness is both a state of being and a state of mind.
And it's something I'm used to...
But it's all right.
And yet it's still a dizzy feeling,
As I enter Hell on Earth...
(Life.)
You can be alone in a room in a room of people...
I sure am.
There's nothing for me to escape,
And I can't.
My lips are twisting into a smile...
---It's that sad.

You can sit me down.
Look me in the eye, but I won't look back.
And you can ask me to explain---
Tell you the messy stories, all the facts.
(If I can't get out.)
You'll run your fingers through the cracks.
I'll say something hideous, of course.
Stories strung together, glued with broken thoughts.
Diagnose all you want.
We can't put the pieces back.
I'll see your clear disgust,
And then you'll know...
I am the vile thing you're not,
And in this, I'm alone.

I'm not like them.
They're happy, you see.
They're different; they have friends.
They're nothing like me,
But I hate them.
You could call it jealousy;
I honestly don't care.
So they'll never love me, never want me,
And it's not fair,
...But I've learned so much from watching them.
And it'll all pay off...in the end.
(I hope.)

Could they accept me?
Desire me? Need me?
Even love me?
Could I want their company?
I'd like to look at you with more than anger...
It's not happening, I know.
Thirteen years
---Of malignance---
Lived alone.