Not Such a Superhero After All
A/N: Hello all! I wrote this script for house plays at school. It was very late, admittedly, so there may be a lack of continuity every now and then in terms of the narrator because it was changed from a disembodied voice to an actual person and I'm not sure whether I followed that through exactly… Anyhoo, tell me what you think! Enjoy…
(With apologies to The Wizard of Oz, The Sound of Music, JAG, Monty Python and anyone who is offended by sudden and violent deaths)
Curtains are closed. Music (Morning from Grieg's Peer Gynt Suite) starts up softly.
Narrator: (Sits on the side of the stage with an oversized book and turns a page at each irritating "ping" noise.) And they all lived Happily Ever After. Final sounding pause. You've heard it all before: the beautiful, captive princess rescued from a fearful imprisonment or snatched from the jaws of death; her handsome, charming prince who sweeps her off her feet and whisks her off to his castle on a cloud; those books-on-tape which make that irritating "ping" noise every time you're supposed to turn the page.
Irritating ping noise and page turning.
The princess (no longer captured) and her prince (charming as ever) ride off into the sunset for that inevitable Happy Ending. Even the cute little bunny rabbits hop away over the hills to spend the rest of their cute little bunny lives in a utopia of wide open fields and kitchen gardens and all those other things that make cute little bunny rabbits happy.
Irritating ping noise and page turning.
At this point, the story tactfully quits while it's ahead, neglecting to mention that most of those cute little bunny rabbits end up as roadkill long before they reach the wide open fields and Prince Charming turns out not to be such a superhero after all…
There is one last irritating ping noise and the music fades out as the curtains open to reveal Prince Charming, scruffily dressed and slouched in front of the TV with a beer and a large bowl of chips. 7 children (5 girls and 2 boys) are scattered across the stage in various positions (i.e. reading, drawing, playing cards, trying to kill one another, etc.). Enter Snow White, in typical Snow White costume, carrying a large basket of washing.
Snow White: (wearily) Marta, leave your brother alone.
One child reluctantly removes her hands from the other's neck.
Narrator:We find ourselves in the castle home of the Charmings: Snow White, the Prince and their seven children: Liesl, Friedrich, Louisa, Kurt, Brigitta, Marta and Gretl.
While the narrator is speaking, Snow White crosses the stage and exits, re-emerging with a broom/mop. Marta attacks Kurt again. Snow White proceeds to sweep the stage, while Prince Decidedly-less-than-Charming munches chips.
Friedrich:(excitedly) Hey, let's go play in the road!
Kids:(wave arms a bit) Yay!
All children exit, leaving Snow White and P D-l-t-C alone on the stage.
Snow White: (throwing down broom) You know what, I've had it.
Prince: Shh! TV…
Snow White: (angrily) No! Listen to me! I left seven other men for you and look where it's got me: a host of oddly-named children and a mop. You promised me a happy ending and all I got was a bit of fancy CPR and a horse-ride with the sun in my eyes. And that was as good as it got! (starts to list on her fingers) I cook for you, clean for you, wash the windows, sweep the floors, dress the children in curtains and take them up into the mountains to teach them to sing... And you… Look at yourself! You just slouch around all day and watch reruns of some horrible show like JAG. You're useless, you know that? Absolutely bloody useless. What have you ever done for me?
Prince:(by this time, he has eventually managed to tear himself away from the TV and stand up) Um… I'm charming?
Snow White: (practically pulling her hair out) No! You're not! You have hair gel and a stupid grin! That doesn't count!
Prince:I'm the heir to a vast and beautiful kingdom?
Snow White: (thoughtful pause) Ok, so you've got a good point with that one, but the fact remains that you are a lazy, insensitive slob with the brain capacity of a particularly stupid goldfish! With a learning disability!
Prince:(casts around a little for ideas) I'm rich?
Snow White: (still yelling) So what? (she makes up her mind. She is much more calm now) I'm leaving. Right now. And I'm taking the children.
Prince:(upset) What? How can you do this to me? (a pause – he seems to be considering) Can I keep the TV?
Snow White: (exasperatedly) Do whatever the hell you want with the TV.
Prince:(sounding content) Oh, all right then.
Snow White gives him a death stare and storms out. Curtains close and prince and TV remove themselves.
There is yet another irritating ping noise. While the narrator speaks, Snow White and kids trudge onto the front of the stage carrying small bags. They stop while Snow White looks at a map. The curtains open again to show a fairly dark stage with a signpost in the background bearing signs such as "Castle on a Cloud", "Cute little bunny fields", "Dark and scary woods" and "Certain doom".
Narrator:Thus begins a new chapter in our fairy tale. Snow White, Liesl, Friedrich, Louisa, Kurt, Brigitta, Marta and Gretl headed out into the night to face unknown terrors in the neighbouring kingdom in which they found themselves, for everyone knew that a fearful curse was upon the land and a ferocious dragon lurked in the darkness. This was indeed a terrifying, vicious, wicked, fierce, violent and distinctly unpleasant dragon that longed to gouge out eyes and rip flesh and spill blood and crunch on bones and –
Snow White: (looking up in general direction of disembodied voice) Could you not?
Narrator:Ah. Sorry. In general, it was not a particularly fun place to be. Anyway, at that exact moment, to simplify the plot, all seven of Snow White's children were swept off by the plague.
Enter two black-clad people labeled "Plague" at a run who push all the children off the stage. Snow White looks around, obviously a little confused. She shrugs and returns to her map. She begins to head off in the direction of certain doom but, before she gets very far, she bumps into a poorly disguised fairy godmother hurrying in the other direction.
Fairy:(suspiciously) Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
Snow White: I'm not a witch at all! So, um… Neither?
Fairy:But I am Glinda! The good witch of the North! (she waves her wand around erratically)
Snow White: No you're not.
Fairy:I could be…
Snow White: No you couldn't. You're the Fairy Godmother.
Fairy:Shhh… They must not know!
Snow White: (condescendingly) If it makes you happy. So, do I get my three wishes?
Fairy:(shaking head) No, no that won't work at all. Nothing's going right at the moment. Rapunzel's gone bald and Cinderella's shoes don't fit and Dick Whittington got lost somewhere near Scarborough… (dramatically) It's the curse! The curse, I tell you!
Snow White: The curse?
Snow White: What curse?
Fairy:'Tis a fearful curse that has been cast upon our land! After messing up a little on the Sleeping Beauty saga, the evil fairy has cast a fearful curse upon our land! A curse! Curse!
Snow White: Yes, we've managed to ascertain that, thank you. What does this curse entail?
Fairy:(frantically) A ferocious dragon haunts our streets and all good magic turns to the evil fairy's purposes! All my spells are going wrong: the Beast ate Beauty, and Puss in Boots refuses to be house-trained…
Snow White: So no wishes then?
Fairy:Not unless you want to end up choking on a bit of poisoned fruit or something, no…
Snow White: We could give that a miss. What has to be done to break this curse?
Fairy:(dropping the dramatic act for a moment) And where have you been for the past year and a half? (but it's back) Our prince is held captive in a high tower! Trapped! Until he is freed, the kingdom remains under this fearful curse! Curse!
Snow White: Your prince needs rescuing? That's a bit unconventional, isn't it?
Fairy:It is the very nature of the curse! Curse! He must be rescued…
Snow White: He wouldn't be kept in the highest room of the tallest tower of the dark, looming castle casting its ominous presence across the craggy rocks and rolling moors where thick fog clings to the thicket of undergrowth, would he?
Fairy:(taken aback) How do you know?
Snow White: Just thought it would be a nice, fresh idea for holding captive royals.
Fairy:It must be you! You! You are the Chosen One! You will rescue our prince and free this land from eternal torment, where there is much wailing and gnashing of teeth! Wailing! Gnashing!
Snow White: Do you really need to add an unnecessarily melodramatic exclamation at the end of each sentence?
Fairy:If I didn't, this would be nearly as much fun! Fun! It is all in accordance with the prophecy! The prophecy… of DOOM and major plot points!
Snow White: I see.
Fairy:But they mustn't catch me here… (pulls scarf forward in an attempt to hide face and glances around suspiciously) Go through the dark and scary forest to find the castle you speak of. You are our only chance! Only chance, Chosen One! This will be your quest. If they catch you, it was Glinda, and I only told you to follow the yellow brick road. Goodbye! Bye!
The fairy godmother shuffles quickly off stage.
Snow White: (looking after her) Riiiiiight. Well this is getting weird.
Shaking her head, she heads off stage in the other direction and the curtains close. Ping.