Scene 4

Ping.

Narrator:Having rid herself of the misplaced witch, Snow White eventually found her way out of the dark and scary forest and into the light of a new day. However, the light of the early morning sun could not combat the ominous presence of the dark, looming castle that stretched its unnatural shadow across the craggy rocks and rolling moors where thick fog clings to the thicket of undergrowth. Even in daytime. It was the fog that first led Snow White to realise where she was; she knew she had to be getting close to the dark, looming castle.

Ping. Curtain opens. Hopefully, there is some form of dark, looming castle.

At long last, Snow White gazed up at the castle she had sought. The Chosen One had almost reached the end of her quest. Fortunately, the terrifying, vicious, wicked, fierce, violent and distinctly unpleasant dragon was off work that day with pneumonia, so the castle was virtually unguarded. Snow White approached the door…

Snow White knocks on a door that is also probably imaginary, and a two-headed doorman appears. Snow White is, obviously, slightly taken aback. Blink blink.

Doorman1:(in a very bored tone) We don't want any junk mail,

Doorman 2:door-to-door salesmen,

Doorman 1: dragon trainers,

Doorman 2:circus midgets,

Doorman 1:extra chefs,

Doorman 2:moat cleaners,

Doorman 1:pest exterminators,

Doorman 2:guys selling brooms and feather dusters,

Doorman 1:cultists or criminal psychopaths,

Doorman 2:axe murderers,

Doorman 1:refugees,

Doorman 2:Jehovah's witnesses,

Doorman 1:political activists

Doorman 2:or potential prince rescuers.

Doorman 1:If you, the knocker, fall into any of the aforementioned categories, kindly leave immediately and little harm will befall you.

Doorman 2:Do you, the knocker, fall into any of these categories?

Snow White:Practically not. Can I get into the castle at all?

Doorman 1:Only if you can answer me these questions three.

Snow White:If I must.

Doorman 2:What… is your name?

Snow White:Snow White

Doorman 1:Why… are you here?

Snow White:To rescue the, um, pigeons.

Doorman 2:What… is the average flying speed of an unladen European swallow?

Snow White:Why the hell should anybody care?

Doorman 1:An excellent answer. Right, you may proceed.

Snow White:Really? That easily?

Doorman 2:(stepping aside) Go and find those poor pigeons then. Stuck in the cellar again, are they?

Snow White:Yeah, sure.

She proceeds.

Scene 5

Ping

Narrator:So Snow White ascended the stairs to the prince's chamber to rescue him from his fearful imprisonment. She still had no idea why (or indeed when) she had accepted this quest, but, since she had nothing better to do, she continued her ascent to the highest room of the tallest tower of the dark, looming castle casting its ominous presence across the craggy rocks and rolling moors where thick fog clings to the thicket of undergrowth to free the kingdom from its terrible curse.

Curtains open to show other prince sitting on a bed/cunningly disguised table/perfectly normal table. He stands up.

Prince:Hi. You must be my rescuer.

Snow White:Yep… According to the narrator, I'm here to rescue you from your fearful imprisonment and free the kingdom from its terrible curse. And you are Prince Slightly-Less-Charming-Although-Really-Very-Intelligent?

Prince:That I am. So, once you rescue me and free the kingdom from its terrible curse, what do you reckon are our chances of having a Happy Ending?

Snow White:That has got to be the worst pick up line I've ever heard.

Prince:(shrugs) Yeah, I know; just thought I'd give it a try.

Snow White:They're not all they're cracked up to be, of course, these Happy Endings. All that riding off into the sunset really hurts your eyes.

Prince:Good point. (thinks) But if we rode away from the sunset?

Snow White:That could work… Except that then we'd need a horse.

Prince:We do have a very ugly camel in the cellar: would that do?

Snow White:Yeah, probably. Should we go then?

Prince:Ok, Sounds good.

Walk off hand-in-hand and curtains close. Ping.

Narrator:And so Snow White and Prince Slightly-Less-Charming-Although-Really-Very-Intelligent left the dark, looming castle casting its ominous presence across the craggy rocks and rolling moors where thick fog clings to the thicket of undergrowth and thereby lifted the curse that was upon the kingdom. The dragon, with a pitiful roar, died of double pneumonia and a cold in the head and the Fairy Godmother was able to spread joy and happiness once more: Dick Whittington found his way to London and Rapunzel's hair grew back, although for the less fortunate roasted Hansel, little could be done except to serve him with mint sauce. Prince Charming had to learn to wash his own socks, while the Evil Witch found her way back to her own play. After extensive therapy, Little Red Riding Hood managed to overcome her fear of meeting strange women in woods but, sadly, on her first trip back into the forest, she was seized upon by a wolf and devoured.

Snow White (charming as ever) and her prince (no longer captive) rode off, away from the sunset, on their very ugly camel from the cellar and they all lived Happily Ever After. For real, this time.

The End

A/N: I wrote this play so many years ago that I really don't remember if this was the final draft or not. I know it was improved during production, at any rate, to iron out the kinks. But this was the general idea. Hope you enjoyed it!

The author disappears with a ping.