(I mean no offence to anyone by this, I swear to "God"
(Hippies Will Be The Death Of Us All: A Collection Of Short Stories)
(Hippies Will Be The Death Of Us All: A History Lesson)
A small raccoon dashed through the ruins of New York City; it ran because there was a massive wolf trying to chew his skull open and eat it's brains. Pleasant.
A fact: As 'advanced' and 'intelligent' as humans are, they will always, ALWAYS, be the stupidest creatures in existence. No other animal would kill each other until they were an endangered species over something as trivial as religious beliefs. Humans would and have.
Now for a history lesson: "The Church" as it was known before its mass suicide, was once the most powerful thing on earth; they controlled everything from what got played on your clock radio at two forty-seven in the morning to the military of every country on earth. Laws were made and freedom became nothing but a piece of history in the banned books of humans.
Systematically they destroyed anything they hadn't created or approved; book burning was daily activity, marshmallows were deemed satanic and illegal, and religious choice was restricted to two options: The Church or death beyond death. What a lovely world they had mass produced! Too bad about the marshmallows though, they were missed...
A group of hippies decided to rebel as they hadn't had anything to rebel against in a while. They'd already gotten rid of disco music and hadn't bothered to devote themselves to a cause since the United States presidential election of 2004; Lack of marshmallows seemed as good an opportunity as any. So thirty or so of these hippies sat in a circle, got high and brainstormed ideas for their new-found rebellion.
Discovering that they had magical powers through the intelligence producing tool that is pot, a few of them decided to put curses on everyday objects and mail them to the heads of The Church. That way, the curse would cause the inanimate objects to turn into homicidal things and assassinate the dudes (Dude! My hands can touch aaaanything but themselves! See! Oh...wait...) in charge of this anti-freedom operation. In agreement that this was a good idea, several things were 'magically cursed' and mailed. Oddly enough, it worked.
Powerful people of The Church were suddenly receiving toasters and tins of shoe shine (Both forbidden objects! The Outrage!) and being mysteriously mauled to death by them. Deciding it was an act of 'God' and his will for mankind, they proceeded to exterminate themselves and most of the human race. But don't worry, the occasional cave-dwelling hippie can still be found; they're the new hope for our survival. Don't you feel safe?
Unfortunately for our little raccoon, he escaped the wolf. Why unfortunate? Because John -did I mention the raccoon had a name? Well he does and it's John. He also has a favorite color; John's favorite color is clear.- John escaped the wolf and ended up in the former residence of the magical hippies where they had forgotten to mail one of their cursed killing objects, a piece of silver jewelry taken from the ankle of a protesting magical hippie woman. Well, being the raccoon that he was, John found the shiny object and clung to it like dryer static to my underwear (Raccoon's are notorious for choosing a worthless piece of aluminum over life).
Rest in Peace: John Raccoon and marshmallows.