The "I Love You" Poem

-For Shalem, I meant every word-

I sat

on top of the gray stoned balcony twenty-four stories above the ground

and watched.

I would have jumped

had I been born a weaker person

but strength of will has always been something that I hold too dear to my heart.

My head was lifted

and my body clothed in a black dress

that

I never wanted to begin with.

My feet were bare

and I liked the feeling of dangling them over the edge.

I imagined

that I was a movie star

my smile curled

and my hair straightened so that it would look more feminine and not so wild.

I wanted to watch the night

and in my contentedness

I would have been satisfied to stay there for hours

and gaze at the stars sift and move gently along in their circled orb.

I wanted to be alone

until I heard the door behind me open

gently

softly

I heard his footsteps.

What is it that he wants from me?

He speaks

his husky words to me

in the simple form of letting me only be myself

he wants to love me as I am

but first I have to reshape

and reform myself

to make everyone else satisfied with who I would become.

-What are you doing?-

-Trying to attach myself to the night

so that when it leaves I can go with it.-

-I hate it when you talk in riddles.-

He approached me

and I can't tell you what I was feeling

or how I wanted to feel

as he sat down beside me

on this balcony

paralleling me

so that he faced the window

and kept his feet on solid ground

while I continued to face the stars

and let my feet

feel the lack of gravity.

He kissed my shoulder

and then my neck

and I let him curl a strand of my hair between his fingertips.

-I like your hair better when its curly-

-so do I-

he put his arm around my waist

curving his hand around my center

and he rested his face on my shoulder

I could feel his hot breath on my skin

ebbing

and flowing

so sweetly.

-I love you-

he told me

his whisper in my ear.

I wanted to mock him

and let him see all of the thoughts that were racing

one-hundred-miles-an-hour

through my brain

I wandered if he could feel my heartbeat quicken.

His hand around my waist grabbing me tighter

and I knew

more then anything else at that moment

that he did love me

and perhaps

he was afraid that I would jump

and he would lose me forever.

I can't

though I have tried

to imagine myself gone from the world

disappeared

or liquefied

I would change my name

and hopefully

shed off all of my doubts

my worries

my shames

that have always kept me miles away from the people that I love.

I turned to face him

and he lifted his head

I let him kiss me

and I hoped that that kiss would be the words that I couldn't say.

I worried in those moments

with his lips on mine

that it wouldn't be enough

and he would leave me alone

with gravity

and doubt.

-I still love you,

even if you can't say it.-

I love how he understands me

I love how he gets it

and I love this city at night

full of lights and noises

silence

has always been a fear of mine.

-Come inside now,

its getting cold-

I lifted myself up

unafraid of heights

or wind

even though I did see him flinch once or twice

until I stood beside him again.

His arm was around me again

holding me

and I felt like I was special and beautiful again.

-What is it that you love so much about it?-

He gestured toward the sky

and I looked up again

the twinkle

and shape of the firmament overtaking me again.

-Its the only dark thing in the world that everyone can find some beauty in.-

-More riddles-

I laughed

he took my hand

and I went back inside with him

of my own free will

and my own loyalty.

I love how he understands

my need to be free.