The "I Love You" Poem
-For Shalem, I meant every word-
on top of the gray stoned balcony twenty-four stories above the ground
I would have jumped
had I been born a weaker person
but strength of will has always been something that I hold too dear to my heart.
My head was lifted
and my body clothed in a black dress
I never wanted to begin with.
My feet were bare
and I liked the feeling of dangling them over the edge.
that I was a movie star
my smile curled
and my hair straightened so that it would look more feminine and not so wild.
I wanted to watch the night
and in my contentedness
I would have been satisfied to stay there for hours
and gaze at the stars sift and move gently along in their circled orb.
I wanted to be alone
until I heard the door behind me open
I heard his footsteps.
What is it that he wants from me?
his husky words to me
in the simple form of letting me only be myself
he wants to love me as I am
but first I have to reshape
and reform myself
to make everyone else satisfied with who I would become.
-What are you doing?-
-Trying to attach myself to the night
so that when it leaves I can go with it.-
-I hate it when you talk in riddles.-
He approached me
and I can't tell you what I was feeling
or how I wanted to feel
as he sat down beside me
on this balcony
so that he faced the window
and kept his feet on solid ground
while I continued to face the stars
and let my feet
feel the lack of gravity.
He kissed my shoulder
and then my neck
and I let him curl a strand of my hair between his fingertips.
-I like your hair better when its curly-
-so do I-
he put his arm around my waist
curving his hand around my center
and he rested his face on my shoulder
I could feel his hot breath on my skin
-I love you-
he told me
his whisper in my ear.
I wanted to mock him
and let him see all of the thoughts that were racing
through my brain
I wandered if he could feel my heartbeat quicken.
His hand around my waist grabbing me tighter
and I knew
more then anything else at that moment
that he did love me
he was afraid that I would jump
and he would lose me forever.
though I have tried
to imagine myself gone from the world
I would change my name
shed off all of my doubts
that have always kept me miles away from the people that I love.
I turned to face him
and he lifted his head
I let him kiss me
and I hoped that that kiss would be the words that I couldn't say.
I worried in those moments
with his lips on mine
that it wouldn't be enough
and he would leave me alone
-I still love you,
even if you can't say it.-
I love how he understands me
I love how he gets it
and I love this city at night
full of lights and noises
has always been a fear of mine.
-Come inside now,
its getting cold-
I lifted myself up
unafraid of heights
even though I did see him flinch once or twice
until I stood beside him again.
His arm was around me again
and I felt like I was special and beautiful again.
-What is it that you love so much about it?-
He gestured toward the sky
and I looked up again
and shape of the firmament overtaking me again.
-Its the only dark thing in the world that everyone can find some beauty in.-
he took my hand
and I went back inside with him
of my own free will
and my own loyalty.
I love how he understands
my need to be free.