Guidelines of Republicanism

If you're a………

Liberal – a subject to a fad that died with the Sixties. Also a commie; people don't know what communism is, but they hate it anyway.

Terrorist – you're an insolent bastard who's postponing American omnipotence by terrorizing America. The fact that America terrorizes other nations is irrelevant.

Nationalist – someone with enough sense to back anything "patriotic," including murder. See Ignoramus.

Black – you're either with the Republicans or with the NAACP……… and the NAACP is bad.

Impoverished Citizen – economic girly man. Also, it's you're problem, not ours.

Democrat – easy to attack because of more logical standpoints. Assholes.

Fox Network – the Republicans will keep screwing up, you keep distorting facts for them.

A pretzel – liberal conspirator.

KKK/Nazi member – not all that bad if they vote Republican (P.S., we're getting there!).

Ignoramus – potential voter.

War Protestor – insane hippies who'll ensure terrorism despite their mentality being founded on peace. Most likely a Liberal.

War veteran – travesty if not Republican.

Women's choice – men get to chose what women do – it's conservatism.

Materialistic person – keep up the good work of buying excessively. See Ignoramus.

Commie – you deserved to be hanged.

Republican – you're a demi-god, messenger of God, who is of the ultimate Right by being self-preserved, self-promoting, self-centered and American. Dastardly, yet divine in a bourgeois type of way.

Person named Michael Moore – you're a fat butthole.

An adolescent – BUY! BUY! BUY! See materialistic person.

Gay – you're not a person, you're an inferior thing.

Jock – see Adolescent, Materialistic person, and Ignoramus.

Green Party Member – your politics suck, but you'll get the Republicans into office when they take over your campaign.

Iraqi – you have a cruddy culture that supplies our oil. See Halliburton.

Rich people's posterity – worth more than the poor, and too valuable to go to war.

A radical – un-American. See Liberal.

A non-white member of the Republican cabinet – things just need to look politically correct.

Rich person – worth being richer, worth more in general, and worthy of more than the poor.

John Kerry – a bony butthole.

Halliburton – CHA-CHING!

Catholic – usually good and comparable to Republican methods; just as Republicans contradict themselves (you didn't see that), some Catholic priests like to have sex with little kids and say being gay is Wrong.

Anything else we hate – we hate you, but our hate is decreasing as our manipulation of indulgent American minds is increasing.

Anything else we love – elect George W. Bush.

Note: This is a just an exaggeration of everything taking on a Republican view, and that this Republican conception is incredibly biased. Just playing their game, though. Those buttholes deserve it.