Ironically, the funeral for the baby is on the day Nick and I were supposed to be married. It's funny to think that instead of being here, in the cemetery, I could have been just up the hill in the chapel, finalizing one of the worst mistakes of my life.

"…And we're all asking ourselves why such a horrible thing had to happen to such a small being. But we have to remember that God has a plan, even for the tiniest of souls…"

So there were no more arguments over white dresses or flowers or centerpieces. Instead there's been silence and tears and a heavy heat of disappointment and loss. I've cried more than I ever had in these last few months but this past week has been… my skin is thirsty from the tears it's lost.

"…We wonder why we're left behind and others are taken so early, so young, so innocent…"

Constantly people are at my side, always pushing for the answers I don't have. "Are you alright?" "Can I get you anything?" "How are you feeling?" "It must be horrible. Do you need to talk about it?" The truth is I'd rather just be left alone. I'd rather be off on a road trip with Sasha and Hannah. I'd rather be packing for college like Kade and Matt. I'd rather be anywhere but here, looking down at the casket my daughter who never lived.

"…But she's in the Lord's arms now, and she's looking down on all of us probably calling at us to smile, because she's smiling…"

It's unbelievable the support I've been getting. The dirtiest scowls from the last months have turned into watery smiles and thousands of flowers. Not that I have time to appreciate them. I'm too busy worrying. Worrying that everyone will die. Worrying that I won't have enough time to live. Mostly that. There's not enough time anymore, for anything.

"…Let us pray. In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Our Father, who art in Heaven, hallowed be Thy name. Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done…"

I've been so caught up in remembering how to move and walk and blink that I haven't stopped to wonder what happens next. The automatic mechanisms we have from birth seem to have stopped functioning as I sit here. Learning to breathe again. Learning to be again. It could be the same as it was before; it's not too late to be who I was going to be all along. But who I was and who I am are battling in my heart and I'm not sure which one will win the war.

"…On earth as it is in Heaven. Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us…"

Nick is standing beside me but he's a million miles away. I think who he is and who he was are battling, too. What happens if we can't decide? Because, although the last few months have been the worst I've ever gone through, there was always the slight comfort of knowing what we had to do, we did what was right for the child. Now there is no child. So what's right this time? We're not ready to love each other and there's no need to force it anymore. But part of who I am is him and I don't know how to separate myself from him anymore.

"…And lead us not into sin, but deliver us from evil. Amen…"

I close my eyes when they bury her and I keep them closed all the way to the car, stumbling over loose grass and clumps of dirt. But if I fall it won't matter, I'll just have to get back up and fall again. That's all life really is now anyway: a series of falls broken up by the times when we learn to stand again. Funny how things are never the same once we get back up. And they're hardly ever better.

"…I'm so sorry for your loss dear, if there's anything I can do, just let me know…"

I leave the black dress in the hallway. I don't want it in my room. I don't want it near me. I don't want to see it ever again. I sit by the window and stare blankly ahead until everything is blurred and the edges are rippled enough so I can escape. Escape into the blur where things don't hurt and the people you love never leave. A blur where you never have to know what's right or wrong because everything is the same.

"…You need to eat Maggie; you have to get past this. We all love you too much to see you slip away…"

The couch bed is folded up and Nick's bags are packed and his parents are waiting in the driveway to take their precious son away from here. He's made the right decision, they say. He's going back to school and he'll probably never see me again, they smile. They talk, they smile, they laugh, they're happy. But she was their granddaughter, too.

"…We don't have to say goodbye forever, Maggie. We can wait, we have time. Just hug me and we'll wait until forever comes…"

I wave goodbye to him and hello to me and then I sit and cry some more, because what else do I know how to do these days? I'm wasting away, tear by tear, drop by drop, heartbeat by heartbeat because we don't have a forever to wait for. There's going to be a morning soon when I wake up to find me gone, faded into the background. I often stop to think about what invisible feels like.

"…Well, that's all my stuff, thanks for helping me pack Mags. Come here, oh don't cry. I love you Maggie, always will. You know that don't you? You do? That's good…"

Kade leaves on a greyhound and I wave until my arm is numb. I figure out then that he is my one. My perfect one. But we never stood a chance in this crazy world I made. Never stood a chance. But sometimes, things work like that. The ones we love the most never have a chance to love us back. Like Kade. Like her.

"…It's late, but since your grades were so fantastic, we've made an exception. Orientation is next week and you can registration for your courses right now…"

My little town college isn't nearly as glamorous as I pictured my college life being. But it's enough to keep me going, and the apartment Nick and I were supposed to move into is still open to me as long as I can afford the rent. It's small but it's mine and it doesn't have black dresses inside, or notebooks with sonogram pictures, or broken hearts of little girls who died before they lived.

"…I'm thinking about throwing you a house warming party with all the girls. Oh come on, it'll be fun Maggie. Let me work my magic! Sasha and Hannah will be so excited! Please? Oh, alright then. See you on the holidays…"

I make new friends. Friends that don't treat me like I'll break. Friends that don't know I just recently lost my pregnancy weight because they don't know I was ever pregnant. Friends who don't know me at all. And it suits me well. But I sometimes miss the others. Because I love them. But for what cost? They'll just die, too. Or promise forever and then leave. Like Nick.

"…Maggie? Is that you? God, how long has it been? Since high school! How's the baby? Oh, oh Mags, I'm sorry. D'you…do you maybe want to go out for coffee? I'll buy…"

Matt's in town with the actor's troop and we talk for awhile about how life is. He's been all over the country acting; I knew he'd be something one day. He smiles at me from over his cup and he acts like I'm the most gorgeous thing he's ever seen in his life. He says he's missed me and that his offer to wait for me was never closed. But I smile and shake my head and we leave separately. I hardly survive as just me. How could I survive with someone else?

"…I know I promised I'd see you before now but my parents have kept me under watch. How are you doing? That's good…yeah, yeah, I'm fine. I miss you, yeah, I really do…"

By the time holidays come round I'm taking my first steps as a new person. Breathing is easier now. Living is easier. And frankly, loving is easier. On Christmas, all of us get together and make a toast to something more. Something beautiful. Hannah and Sasha link arms and wish on stars. Mom and dad smooch under the mistletoe. Darla introduces everyone to her boyfriend, and he introduces her to a diamond ring and a promise of marriage. She accepts and we all cry. But it's happy crying.

"…You look better Maggie. You're so much stronger now. I'm proud of you. You don't need me anymore…"

"But I do." It's whispered with a smile and a touch of grace that only comes from losing something special. Kade smiles and holds my hand and that's all that matters for now. Just his hand and mine and this moment. I don't know what will happen tomorrow. But it hardly matters because this moment is forever to me. No matter who I lose along the way. I'll find them again. You can never truly lose the ones you love, if you love them with everything you have.

"…Classes start this week but I'll be back this weekend ok? You can show me your place…"

Promises that were once so empty are now so full. Things that were once broken and desperate are now slow and steady. Because although we don't have forever, we have this moment. And this moment. And this one. And that's all I really need anyway.

Dear baby,

I lost myself in you this year. I loved you stronger than I've ever loved anything in my entire existence. And even though you're not here now, I still love you. I always will. You helped me to love myself. To remember myself.

Love,

Mom

Nothing's really over. I still get sad, and I still cry. But I smile, too. And I laugh. And I love. It almost makes all the loss worth it, all the aching confusion and bitter weeping. The moment I remembered who I was again… everything else stopped mattering.

We don't have forever. But we have long enough. We all have long enough.

The End

A/N: There we have it. The epic end to my tragedy. Well, not mine, Maggie's. I know it was sudden but for me, it had to be that way. Sorry if it seems fast to anyone, I just needed to close this up. Maggie needed a break. And hey, she even got a happy ending.

Thanks so much to everyone along the way. I know these last few chapters have been few and far between but it feels really great to finish it…even though it's sort of sad. Who knows, maybe after a break I'll dust off these characters again for another go around. But we'll save that for later. ((kisses))