She be running

Have you ever had those moments in High school where you feel like banging your head against a wall, yelling at the wall or just falling asleep against the wall? Of course you have, your human.

There have been enough movies and T.V. shows depicting high school students and their crushes, rivals and teachers. They were all beautiful people by the way. I guess they may show some real life situations, but never have main characters ever have more then one zit. I am over weight, have terrible acne and I have yellow teeth, which my mom will never let me forget about. Believe me though, I'm not looking for pity, I'm just saying my school experiences might be slightly altered from a normal weight person. I wouldn't have wanted it any other way.

First of all I would like to address school dancing in P.E. It is forms of torture for people who have either don't have a friend of the opposite sex, or they are considered ugly because of their body type. So I had to dance anyway because there are 27 more boys in my period then girls. So goes life. Right so, anyway I received a partner (he was moderately unhappy about it) and we started dancing. I noticed something, if you don't know the person that well, or oddly even if you do, neither of you will look at each other. It is as if your eyes were magnetically pulled to some other area of the gym. Maybe I will gain the courage one day to stare him in the eyes, however that won't be today.

Now back to the weight thing. It may alter the brain or something because fat people tend to be nicer, or not, I have no clue what the hell I'm saying. I wonder about people who were fat and then weren't. The ones who succeeded at that diet and exercise thing. How do they act now? It's a question you can't ask openly. I know for a fact I'm judged by my weight, and because I have trouble speaking clearly when talking to those I'm not comfortable with, people also deem me stupid, or smart however clearly geeky.

I have this problem where I think I know what others are thinking of me, and somehow I end up egotistical, because in fact they are probably not thinking at all let alone thinking about me. These people, they are the kind of people I hate, the Malibu beach Barbie/kens or the Ghetto Barbie/kens. Yes, even though I live in an upper-middle class area, where your family income would have to be in the 6 digits, we still have people who think they are ghetto. A little reminder, ghettos are patches of neighborhoods where ethnic minorities live, or they are where Jews used to be forced to live. Either way, the rich white kids attending my school do not fit either description. Yet they rule the school. They wouldn't if we didn't talk about them, just ignore them. I can't do that though, it's too funny. They think they are more mature if they smoke or have sex or whatever, but the reality is, they have only matured physically. They act like they are still in 6th grade, they show no respect for teachers and no respect for their peers, and when they get in trouble they blame the teacher. I can't stand it.

Ah yes, the teachers. They surely have been vilified haven't they? Who ever would give up any serious income for the low amount they receive to teach kids who generation by generation grow more and more stupid and less willing to learn must be evil. Not only that but they (the students) lose the respect for these teachers. I heard a math teacher from last year, when we were 8th graders, had quit because of our grade. Then my peers, when they found out, wore the news like a badge of honor. It made me gag. The media is not helping. In movies and T.V. shows they portray teachers as evil creatures who are bent on the total destruction of kid's lives. Don't get me wrong, there are teachers out there who appear to be doing just that, and they are not helping themselves.

The last and final thing that has been bugging me lately, self-esteem. I have low self -esteem when I am facing a crowd or someone I hate without support of someone else, I guess you could call this stage fright. I have high self -esteem with my friends and when my friends are backing me up. I guess it varies from time to time. The only reason I tell the truth here is because I have the veil of anonymity. There are times when you have to give a presentation or do an oral test or have a dance test and you have to ask someone to dance with you and you stop breathing and you head becomes muddled and your eyesight dims and you start blabbering incoherently and your knees start shaking and you start fiddling with your pants or sweatshirt pocket, and then you forget what your going to say, and then you finally spit it out and its over and the pressure diminishes and your head clears, your heart starts beating again and you start to breath again. When it's over and you feel stupid for being so stressed, even though next time you will feel the same you also feel proud because you accomplished what you had set out to do. You hate the teacher for putting you through this shit but seriously, it will be much worse in the real world when you have to pay the bills and you don't live with your parents. Unless you do, (live with your parents I mean) which is a whole new set of problems I'm not quite ready to address yet.


Sorry to rant like that, flame it if you want. I just wished to get my thoughts out there. If you ever meet someone like me who is fat or doesn't speak clearly, be nice. They may be smarter then you think, or they might just be running from life.