Take
me to the shore
and wrap me in a blind tomorrow
I won't fight
no more
and I won't scream
maybe we'll be washed away
maybe
I just need a holiday
- Matthew Good Band, "Vermillion"
Washed Away
The night was still very warm for September, Kayley judged when she sat down before the entrance of Northwest Dormitory. She lit a cigarette and leaned against the brick wall with her eyes closed, listening to the music that was streaming through the opened windows. She listened to the chattering of people who either knew each other for ages and were catching up from the summer vacation they had not seen each other, telling big stories about how cool summer had been for them, or else people who were just very sociable and trying their very best to meet interesting new people.
Kayley looked at the warm golden summer evening, at the prettily dressed and tanned people inside the building, and felt very much out of place. She just didn't feel like walking up to all these nice and pleasant and sociable people and start a talk with them; it felt phony for some reason. It wasn't like her. Maybe that last year she would have been able to do it, but not anymore. How the hell was she supposed to be nice and friendly and happy to everyone when she did not feel that way? She could watch happiness, but did not feel a part of it. The psychologist who had treated her during the past few months had told her that she needed to give herself time to heal before she could fully live her whole life again. Right now she was walled in by her own refusal to feel pain, and thus blocked herself out from any other feelings in the process. Feelings like happiness, for example.
Above her, the sky was losing it's golden hue and was bleaching into that tender shade of lavenderish silver that came just before twilight. Kayley sighed and smoked her cigarette, pondering whether she should just go climb up the emergency stairs next to her and go back to her dorm room. It wasn't as if she was doing very much at this party, but if she was at her room she'd probably be unable to sleep because of the loud music.
"I guess you're my last hope then," she murmured and took up the bottle of whiskey that was standing next to her. It was Jack Daniel's, which was good enough for her purpose tonight. She liked the taste of it – it had enough of a kick to make her feel that she was truly drinking and on her way to get really, really plastered. For some reason whiskey always satisfied her even before she'd gotten to the point of intoxication. Just the feeling that she was on her way made her content. Unscrewing the bottle, she poured it directly into the glass that had been standing next to the bottle on the pavement. She'd forgotten to get herself icecubes, but she felt too lazy to get up and fix herself some from the fridge. For some reason she didn't feel like going inside and having to face the party people again.
The whiskey burned her throat nicely, though, and Kayley decided that all in all the evening was not entirely bad. Whiskey and cigarettes, warm evening, late summer, and even the music wasn't all that horrible. She was entertained enough.
Next to her, someone else stepped through the doorway. It was one of the girls; Kayley had seen her around before but had not met her officially. Her name was Jennifer Stanford, and Kayley thought she was beautiful. Apparently, everyone else in the world thought the same; in the three weeks Kayley had been a resident of Northwest Dormitory she'd seen Jennifer with four different guys. Jennifer had long, thick brown hair, a body that Kayley instantly envied – curvy, long legs, beautiful breasts – but her eyes were the most striking thing about her: iceblue and with long dark lashes. "Hi," Jennifer said with a slight smile.
"Hi," said Kayley. She smiled back.
Jennifer reached out and stole a cigarette from Kayleys package and lit it. "So," she started conversationally, "you're cuter than any of the guys here." She inhaled and grinned an irresistible devil-may-care grin that Kayley would later grow to love so much. "Want to go to my dormroom and have sex?"
Kayley blinked at the other girl and instantly decided that Jennifer's grin was one of the sexiest things she had never seen. She had never even thought longer than a minute about being sexually attracted to girls in her whole life, but for some reason Jennifer's offer sounded awfully interesting. "Okay," she said.
"Cool," Jennifer nodded. "Lemme finish this smoke and then we can go upstairs."
They smoked their cigarettes in silence while Kayley asked herself inwardly what the hell she thought she was doing: she'd never been with a girl before in her life! Man, it felt as if she'd gotten trapped somehow in the plot of a cheap porn movie: girl gets invited to have sex out of the blue by this totally hot other girl, and agrees.
She watched Jennifer from the corner of her eye and smirked at herself. Fuck that. What did it matter in the end? Maybe it would be fun. And even though this girl seemed like a bit of a slut, or at least kind of sex-crazed, the fact that the girl picked her made her feel good. 'You're cuter than any of the guys here,' she had said. Well damn if that didn't feel good, coming from one of the most beautiful people she'd ever seen!
She finished her cigarette and held out her hand to the other girl. "I'm Kayley."
"I know," she grinned, grasping Kayley's hand for a shake. "I'm Jenni."
"I know," Kayley echoed. "I've seen you around."
Jenni nodded and finished off her own cigarette. "Come on, let's go upstairs and do something interesting."
They got up from their spot before the side-entrance to the building and climbed the emergency stairwell to the first floor, where the dorm rooms were situated. Jenni opened the door and walked straight to Room 106, which happened to be situated right across from Kayley's.
"We're neighbours," Kayley remarked as Jenni swiped her keycard through the slot. Jenni nodded and winked. "Convenient, isn't it?"
The first thing that Kayley noticed about Room 106 was that it had only one occupant. Jenni was apparently a lucky one whose roommate had already graduated. In that same first glance she noticed the expensive electronic equipment (the flatscreen tv, the state-of-the-art computer and the stereo were only a few of them) and the space that the room seemed to possess when there was only one person inhabiting the place. "Nice room," she said.
"Thanks." Jenni said, closing the door behind her.
Kayley turned to the other girl and suddenly didn't quite know what to say anymore. She hesitated a moment before she confessed: "Um… you know, I've never been with a girl before."
Jenni smiled a brilliant smile and wrapped her arms around Kayley. "Oh fun, then I can teach you," she said. "Just relax." The next moment, they were kissing. Jenni's lips were soft and inviting, and Kayley found herself kissing back quickly enough. It didn't feel like Jason at all, where the feelings of disgust and déjà vu reigned supreme over whatever nice sensation kissing should be. At some point she just kept associating Jason with the man that raped her, but with Jenni it was different. Maybe it was her scent, or the feeling of her body against her own. Kayley closed her eyes and leaned into Jenni's kiss, forgetting about the party, her sexual orientation, everything. Within seconds her worldview had narrowed down to the two of them and their bodies so close to each other, the scent and the feel of Jenni, the taste of her lips. She had been drinking something sweet earlier. Vodka lime?
Jenni's hands were amazingly soft and tender as they slipped under Kayley's shirt. It did not feel as if they were invading; it just felt like a natural course of handling. Kayley didn't even wince when Jenni's fingers trailed over the scars of her stomach, all she concentrated on was the feeling of the other girl so close to her, on the taste and the sensation. She lifted her arms so Jenni could take off her shirt. It wasn't until then that she remembered how angry and red her scars stood out on her skin and braced herself for the comments, but they never came. Jenni just kissed her again and skillfully unfastened Kayley's bra.
Kayley opened her eyes and saw light of amusement in Jenni's lightblue eyes. It made her feel bolder and so she made sure to take off Jenni's shirt as well. She kissed Jenni's neck and then slowly made her way down to the other girl's enviably perfect breasts; full and round, but still perky enough to look shapely if she wasn't wearing a bra – which was something Kayley was working on right now. It only took her a moment of fumbling to take care of that. "You're pretty," Kayley couldn't help remarking, and Jenni smiled and kissed her.
From there on it all turned into a blur of warm and intimate sensations to Kayley. It all felt both so familiar and yet so strange and new and exhilarating to her – it was like being with a boy, and yet it was different. The softness and the feeling of certainty… Jenni seemed to know instinctively what Kayley liked and she was so patient and so careful that Kayley could have cried at the sweetness. She felt her own uncertainty melt away like snow under sunlight as the eagerness within her awakened. This was so /different/! All of her inhibitions vanished and she just indulged in the moment, in Jenni, in the warmth of the room and the softness of skin and bed beneath her body.
For the first time in six months, she was finally able to forget what had happened to her. Being so close together didn't feel like an intrusion; it felt right. For the first time in such a long, dark time, everything felt right to her.
The lazy smile around Jenni's lips was beautiful, and Kayley kissed her.
Neither of them got much sleep that night. Jenni awakened her twice when she had dozed off, and Kayley even found herself waking Jenni once with kisses and caresses when the grey light of dawn was seeping around the curtains. After that last round, they fell asleep at last. Kayley woke up in a room that was filled with the daylight of early afternoon and found herself oddly awake and fresh. A bit sticky, but she felt great. She was lying on her side with Jenni behind her in a mess of pillows and sheets. Smiling, she turned over to the other girl to find Jenni vast asleep, hogging all of the sheets but only partially covered by it. She had to resist touching that beautiful bare skin.
/Shit, even asleep and messy she looks beautiful,/ Kayley thought, cocking her head slightly to look at Jenni's peaceful face. /I have no idea what the hell I was thinking last night, but I don't regret a minute of it. Now I'll just have to see what Jenni thinks of it./
No matter how elated she felt, she had seen Jenni with those guys. Jenni seemed to love 'em and leave 'em, and Kayley was fairly sure that the same would happen to her own person. It stung a little, she had to admit that. After such a great night it was both an insult and a disappointment to be shoved aside for something different… an insult because she apparently wasn't good enough to keep, and a disappointment that this great night would only happen to her once in this lifetime. But she was strong, she could deal with it. Jenni had already given her a great gift with this one night, and she was grateful for that.
Sighing, she got up and wondered for a moment what she could do. In the end she just opted for taking a shower. She /did/ feel sticky after all. She quickly put up a slip and her t-shirt and took her keycard out of her wallet. Opening the door, she allowed herself one last look at the sleeping Jenni and then tiptoed over the hallway to her own room.
To her relief, Carmen was not present. She had no idea where the girl could be, but she was glad to be alone. She really wasn't in the mood for socializing. She'd need a shower, a cigarette and a cup of coffee first. Maybe then she'd have the courage to venture downstairs for breakfast and brace herself for the confrontation with the other students. Had they seen her leave with Jenni?
They'd used the emergency fire stairwell, so if she wasn't mistaken, no one had seen them together. Kayley grabbed a towel and her shampoo out of the closet and made her way to the communal showers.
She took a quick and hot shower while meanwhile her coffeemaker was rattling in her room, producing a steaming cup of coffee for her while she washed and dressed herself. Jeans and a t-shirt and a quick hand through her hair were all she did about her looks. She didn't feel like make-upping herself extensively. The rest of the dorm would probably be in even worse shape, given the music that had vibrated through the building all night long.
All she found downstairs were Mara, Carmen and Aimee sitting at the dinner table. All three of the girls looked decidedly disheveled – although Carmen looked more awake than the other two. Aimee was eating some cereal without much enthusiasm, while Mara was staring into space and Carmen was leafing her way through a glossy magazine. "Morning," Kayley told them.
"Morning," the three girls chorused.
Kayley rummaged through the fridge for milk and cereal and made herself a bowl much like Aimee's. Man, she was ravenous! When she sat down next to the other girls, Mara smiled at her: "So how was your night, Kayley? Didn't you like the party? You were gone so soon."
Kayley chewed her cereal and shrugged. "It was okay enough," she said.
"I did a stupid thing though," Mara said, propping her hand under her chin. She smiled softly, so Kayley did not think she was very sorry at all. "What did you do, then?"
"I kissed Kevin. I think we're going to try again."
"I didn't know you were ever together," said Kayley.
Mara nodded. "We've been together for a long time but we broke up last June, because I was so stupid to get a crush on Victor."
"Isn't Victor the guy you met through the internet?"
"Yeah. But it wasn't much. It was fun for a night, but after that sexual tension was gone after that first night… it just sucked. It didn't even last the summer."
Kayley tried to keep her patience. For some reason, Mara was working on her nerves. There was nothing indicating that she was even remotely interested in Mara's lovelife, so why was she telling the whole story to Kayley? It wasn't as if she cared or anything. "So why was kissing Kevin a stupid thing to do?"
"Because I don't know whether it was the right thing to do," Mara said. She sighed tragically. "I mean, I still like him and all. I even love him. We've been together for so long, it felt so /natural/…"
Kayley dropped her spoon in her bowl and sighed in exasperation. "Mara, do you want me to tell you that you did the right thing? Seriously, I have no fucking clue. But as long as it feels good, do what you please."
"That's what I told her," Aimee commented with a grin. "She doesn't listen, though."
"It's just that I never expected it," Mara protested. "It's all so weird. I never thought we'd ever get back together. I thought I had fucked it up."
"You did," Aimee said. "He's just apparently willing to give you another chance."
"Chances are a valuable thing," said Kayley, thinking of her second chance on life. "You should take your chances when they're offered to you."
She got up from her chair and picked up her bowl to bring it back to the kitchen, when she suddenly saw Carmen looking up from her magazine to stare at her. "What?" she asked.
"That's some shiner you got there, Kayley," her roommate said. "Who gave you that one?"
"What do you mean?" Kayley followed Carmen's calm gaze and found that the girl was looking at her neck. A flash of a memory: Jenni, sucking at the soft flesh at her throat. /Oh, shit./ She slapped her hand over the lovebite and felt the blood rush to her cheeks in embarrassment. And here she thought she had gotten away with last night's adventure. "Oh, that." She turned away to the kitchen and fled as she felt her face redden.
Amusement was dripping from Mara's voice as she said: "No wonder you left early."
Kayley placed her bowl in the sink and opened the tap over it, so she flushed out the leftovers of the cereal. She didn't feel like responding.
"So, who was it, Kayley?" Carmen asked, her soft voice as amused as Mara's. Dammit, even Carmen was letting her down. So much for her thoughts about her roommate's integrity. It seemed she was as gossip-loving and curious as the rest of them.
Kayley sighed and turned to the girls at the dinner table. Suddenly she felt insecure. What would they say if she'd tell them she'd been having sex with another girl all night long? Would they think different of her now they'd know that Kayley was apparently bisexual? Maybe Aimee and Mara would even think she was a lesbian. But then again, what did it matter what they thought? It's not as if she needed their approval or anything. Last night had been a gift, a surrender to indulgence, and it was perfect as it was. She wouldn't ask for more. She was just about to tell them, when the door of the stair house opened and revealed Jenni.
"Morning," Carmen greeted Jenni.
"Morning," Jenni retorted, not even bothering to look at the blond girl. Her iceblue eyes were fixed upon Kayley and they looked intense, but not angry or disinterested, at least. Just… awake, alert. Intelligent, and beautiful. It was obvious that Jenni had just rolled out of bed and put on her black sweatpants and a tanktop. She had tied her disheveled hair back, and she still looked gorgeous.
/Shit, did I make out with THAT last night? I rock./
"Hi Kayley," Jenni grinned, walking over to the fridge. The fridge was behind Kayley, so she moved gracefully around, trailing her hand around Kayley's waist as she went. "I see I marked you last night."
"You did," agreed Kayley. "Thanks a lot," she added somewhat sarcastically.
Jenni let go of her and rummaged through the fridge. "Is there still milk? Ah, here." She got up and grinned at Kayley again. "Don't worry, it looks good on you."
"Well, it's there for all of the world to know, now," Kayley said, thumbing at the too-silent girls at the dinner table.
Jenni drank deeply from the milk carton and shrugged. "So?" she asked, when she had lowered the carton. "Can't they know that you're mine, then?"
"Am I?"
And there it was, that shit-eating grin of Jenni that was the sexiest thing that Kayley had seen. "You mind?"
Behind her, she heard the other girls gasp and suppress their surprised giggles. She paid them no heed, though. All that mattered now was Jenni, here in the kitchen, and the promise of more of the wonderful feelings of last night. "No, I don't."
"That's good, then." Jenni said, winking.
In that moment, Kayley knew that she was probably in over her head, but she also knew that she didn't care about that. If it felt this good, she was more than ready to surrender to the situation, to Jenni, to everything. If it made her forget, if she could finally live again because of this… then it would be worth it. More than worth it.