So you've started high school

And it's time to make new friends

Ones that don't do drugs

Or have promiscuous sex

Just a nice group of friends

A normal one

Where kids like to have a good time

Start off with America's favorite teens

The preps

They'll be sugar sweet to you

But badmouth you behind your back

Drugs and sex can make you cool

But only if you do them

In a non-slutty, non-trashy way

Why not try a group with discipline?

How about ROTC?

They'll be sugar sweet to you

When they're trying to screw you over

Drugs and sex aren't talked about

They will never ask

And you will never tell

Maybe someplace with a free spirit

Try theater

They'll be sugar sweet to you

If they want something

Drugs and sex are openly talked about

And you learn more than you ever want to

Orientation is just a word

You need a more spiritual group

How about the Christians

They'll be sugar sweet to you

In order to save your soul

And if they have sex, they'll confess

A few of them stay sweet

But they don't get the guys

If the Christians won't accept you

GSA surely will

They'll be sugar sweet to you

If you'll join a clique

Where girls crowd around one girl

And no two people are dating

Because everyone likes everyone

You want to expose these wrongs

So you sign up for newspaper

Too bad they don't want to get in trouble

Meaning you have the honor

No…no…the privilege


Of writing for…drum roll please…A TEACHER!

So…try one last time

With the wonders of student council

Don't get me started

I think you get my point

If you want to shave your head

For a fundraiser

Be my guest

Here's a completely novel idea

Try making friends with cool people

Not people from one group

Make friends with the best of all worlds

Because no group is exempt

From screwups and perves

So get used to it