The Fable of the Political Parties
The pair walked down the road together, buoyed on by waves of independent campaign money from fanatic groups that they did not care about except in regards to more pecuniary support.
Though the one on the left had been beaten by a miserable red neck simpleton the previous election, (regardless of recounts that pointed to obvious democrat supremacy in Florida) he was confident that, while the new candidate was a less than stellar representative of the democratic party, the democratic candidate was not the current president. Throughout the campaign, that was always the one thing the left could be sure of: John Kerry was NOT George W. Bush (to his knowledge). Though with the way John Kerry had been flopping about like a fish gasping for breath on the shore of shifting politics (he first supported the Iraq war and then miraculously turned against it during the election, after sensing voter disbelief in the Iraq cause. Such obvious voter appeasement was traditional for Left…), anything could be possible. At times, the donkey wondered how Kerry had possibly made it through the primary. It was not because of his good looks (Thank God John Edwards lent his support, Left thought, Or we would be the ugly party. How many times HAD Hilary Clinton been beaten with the Ugly Stick? What happened to the attractive days of John Kennedy and Jackie? Jackie was so fine… Derailing those thoughts for more important matters, he immediately chastised himself for thanking "God" for anything. Dangerous practice, acknowledging religions). Actually, the Left had considered blaming the right wing conspiracy for John Kerry becoming their candidate. It was almost comical how easily the Right had been able to rip Kerry to nothing but a boring phony. But then the Left might have to come out and say that the only reason anyone should vote for an ugly, flip flopping, rich America hater would be to get Bush out of office. And that is HARDLY correct political protocol, even though everyone knew it anyway.
There were plenty of big "moral".. searching his vocabulary, Left tried to remember what "moral" meant… Anyway "moral" issues this election. However, abortion had become a centerpiece, what with the partial birth abortion ban bill, surpassing even gay marriage as a reason to hate the church, and by God (whoops!) women were going to be able to murder their children legally as long as John Kerry was in office. Hooray for America, land of the free as long as you are outside the womb! Left was sure this would corner the lesbian/women without children vote.
Such deep and befuddling thoughts caused the Left to frown heavily and often.
The one on the right (who, by frequent recounts, had obviously won the previous election) was smiling, as usual, in that way unique to the one person in the group who doesn't get the joke. And really, the Right never DID get the joke, though at times he did wonder if people might be laughing because the right called itself the party of life, yet openly supported the death penalty and systematically destroying the resources (like oil, trees, and human life) that the earth was submissive enough to yield with little fight. Or maybe they were just laughing at Dick Cheney's ludicrously unstable appearance. He seemed, under the close scrutiny of the people, to be steadily growing horns. His pitchfork was being airlifted to his office at that moment, and his "pacemaker"? Merely an evil laugh device that would enhance the drama of his conquering moment.
Righty, however, pushed the evil Dick to the back of his mind, unlike so many feminists, who seemed to always have him, or Bush, on their minds. The Right, his sad little mind jumping from topic to topic, considered the possibility of a legitimate reason to ban gay marriage. Pulling the religion lever was good for the masses, but it was the courts he needed to convince. Wracking his brain, he found nothing (not again!), and focused on the easier topic of the impending election. While polls had been split, the convenient capture of Osama, the elusive devil who had faded to the backs of so many voters' minds, should bring them running back to the Right, American flags bravely and desperately plastered on everything, from thongs (Fuck for America!) to children's sneakers, dragging their terrified worries (Terrorists! Amoral gays getting married! Criminals not being put to death by the imperfect American justice system! AAH!) and placing them at the altar of the God anointed George W. (W is for Women, babykiller!) Bush. Or at least that's how the Right imagined it.
The pair never made any eye contact as they walked next to each other, though one could detect the slyest and slightest of smiles passing between them.
As they walked, hands brushing ever so slightly and ever so tantalizingly, The Black Vote strode up to them. A once battered and broken sort, willing to latch onto any power that would save his children from the lynch mobs, he had mobilized (much to the Left's and the Right's dismay) into a voting force of great power. He asked, voice pointed and uncompromising, but subtly pleading, "What do you have to offer us?"
The Left answered first, having consistently gotten The Black Vote in the past and feeling a tad bit of familiarity with them. "I give you more welfare and unlimited abortions, plus less of a racially motivated death penalty. I offer affirmative action to assure you places in the office, the college, and all other arenas regardless of the white devil's complaints. They don't see how good they've got it, because they've been on top for so long." The Left pumped his fist high in the air, before impromptu beat boxing. The Right clapped. The Left was an excellent human beat box, and even his arch rival could see that.
The Right took a deep breath. The Black Vote had always been a sore spot, as had the entire minority vote. Breathing out carefully, he said, "I offer tax cuts for everyone and um…" he faltered. The Left patted him on the back encouragingly. "And um… I offer true freedom from racism by reducing affirmative action so black people can better themselves to higher standards. Oh, and abortions kill more of your people than any other, so I can give you freedom from that." The Left sniggered, but covered it as a cough politely.
The Black Vote nodded at both and turned away, feeling vaguely unsatisfied but unsure why. The Left and Right continued their journey.
Suddenly, creeping about in the shadows, they noticed the attractive Latino Vote. She looked at them with wide eyes for a moment, and then tried to creep away. They grabbed her. She started yelling in Spanish. "Calm down!" Yelled Right. "Listen to what I can do for you!"
The Left, about to say something in the same vein, looked The Latino Vote up and down appraisingly and said, "Hey, chica, I'll court your vote ANYTIME."
The Right, scandalized, said, "This is not the time, party of horny womanizers! Just because you include Ted Kennedy and Bill Clinton and will legalize gay marriage to watch hot chicks make out doesn't mean you can use sex to solicit voters!" As they argued, The Latino Vote slinked away, unable to understand them and wishing only to send money back to her family.
"Says who?" shouted the Left. "Sex has always been one of our main leverages. Why else do you think we have Madonna's support?" Lying though his teeth, the images of Hilary Clinton and Al Gore haunting him, he yelled, "We are the cute party. Need I remind you of Barbara Bush?"
"Oh so now we're bringing mothers into this?" Right shouted back. They scuffled for a minute, and pulled away when their death squeezes began to feel strangely, absurdly like embraces.
They continued on, a bit more tension between them than before. The Gay Vote approached them next. Angry, disenfranchised, and ultimately treated as sub human, he demanded to know what each party would do for him.
The Right and The Left looked at each other, twitched, and burst out laughing. Slapping The Gay Vote on the shoulder, The Right said, "Really, you're screwed, man. I mean, well, you are still a man right?" That sent them into a chorus of giggles again.
The Left, wiping a tear from his eye, said, "Look. I don't really support you because you make me uncomfortable. Unless you're two hot women in bed with me. And, to be honest, you're not welcome among the other voters. And the Right, well, they want to ban you from getting married at all! So who you gonna vote for? Me, obviously, even though I barely want you to be recognized unless you're giving me money. But whatever. Vote for the Right. Its not like you matter. You're a pretty small contingent. Good for us that you can't reproduce, eh?" Said Left, nudging The Right.
Turning on his heel, The Gay Vote said, "You disgust me." And left. The two guffawed so hard that they tripped over the sprawled, out stretched feet of the apathetic Youth Vote.
"Watch where you're going!" She said, rolling over and about to set her headphones back on to the latest indie gone mainstream rock song. Apparently, P. Diddy's "Vote or Die" message was not being received.
"Hey!" Said the Right. "I'm not going to leave any of you behind, as long as you go to a Christian school!"
The Left rolled his eyes. "Please. Think of all the cool stars who vote for me. Ben Affleck, Christina Aguilera, Maroon 5. Come on. The Right has who? Jessica Simpson and Ted Nugent, both paragons of intelligence." He grinned, hoping The Youth Vote had been watching enough T.V. to get the joke.
But the Right had a trick up his sleeve. "The Left wants to bring back the draft," he said quietly.
The Youth Vote, who had not heard a word of anything else they had said, rolled over and sat up, interested. "The DRAFT?"
"Yep," The Right said smugly, enjoying watching The Left squirm so much. "The Left here has presented a bill in Congress that will reinstate the draft for both males and females."
"Is this true?" The Youth Vote asked severely, eyeing The Left.
The Left started to sweat. The Youth Vote, what little there was, was usually his. "Well, um…" He tried to think of positive spin, and could not. "Well, yes." The Youth Vote nodded, and, ignoring the Left's frantic talk about more money for education and Bruce Springsteen, rolled over, mind made up. Hugely nervous and disappointed, The Left continued on with the grinning Right. All the money that organizations like Rock the Vote and had spent on dragging the youth of America into the Left's agenda was shot down by the paranoid actions of two moron senators. Damn!
"That was below the belt." The Left muttered.
"The truth doesn't hurt." The Right replied flippantly. The Left laughed out loud.
"Would the truth about the Abu Ghraib prisoners hurt?" The Left asked, busily eyeing the streets ahead of him for more targets.
"Now THAT is below the belt." Right said, smiling at The Left. The Left smiled back, and something seemed suspicious.
They kept walking, and conferenced with the now split Women's Vote (there were the shoe in liberal votes of lesbian, man hating, feminists who blew up science laboratories that tested on animals, and the other shoe in conservative vote, terrified suburbanites who felt the threat of terrorism against their families could only be stopped by "strong leadership" e.g. violence.). They saw in the distance a small group of hard core third party supporters, and laughed derisively at them, perhaps even more violently than at The Gay Vote. The major parties were secretly hugely alarmed by the third party supporters. What if the Pansexual Peace Party actually gained some control? Everyone would be too busy having sex to care about a strong military or a failing economy!
They met with every diverse and obscure group of voters, from forty two year old divorced lawyers to senior citizens to Muslims. The parties each gave the best answer they could create out of the congealed bull droppings lining their brains.
Finally, the Major Parties' day was over. Soon, the groups would assemble and vote for one or the other, a few for some third party candidate, and the two parties would know how hard they would have to work in the next four years to gain more power.
The pair, feeling satisfied and pleasantly exhausted, reached their turning point. They stood at the junction of their views, sighing and looking up and down their roads for a moment. Neither seemed eager to leave the other.
"So." Said the Right.
"So." Said the Left.
"You know…" the Right began, tentatively.
"Yeah?" Said the Left, kicking around a stone with his foot and staring at it intently.
"Well.. I mean.." the Right stuttered.
"I know." Said the Left. "I really like you."
"And I really like you." The Right smiled. "And we have the same interests."
"Money… and well, money… and… um.. money…" The Left said, looking up and grinning at the Right. He stepped closer. "You're a lot older than the parties I usually go for. I mean, in the past, I've been linked to mostly younger parties, like the Green Party, or the Communist Party… " He trailed off nervously, and grabbed the Right's hand.
"Yeah, well the Green Party hasn't got anything on me," The Right said huskily, drawing ever closer. And then the two parties, throwing caution to the wind and devil take the hindmost, embraced and kissed passionately.
"We've always belonged together," whispered The Left.
"I know," Said The Right. "But let's keep this our little secret."
"Sure. Of course. But let's make sure that when one of us benefits, the other benefits too, okay?" The Left squeezed the Right's hand.
"Isn't that pretty much the way it is now, anyway? I mean, the same group of people are all involved in politics anyway."
They stood there, staring into each other's eyes.
"Can you imagine what the voters would do if they realized they were really voting for the same thing?" The Left asked, giggling.
"I hope I never have to." The Right said, and they laughed together and stagnated at their meeting point, unbeknownst to the naïve voters.