Disclaimer: I don't own the Beatles (even though I wish I did) or any other references made in this story.

Author's Note: Hey guys! This is probably the first story I've written in a while I'm even bothering to post. Um, I've been working on it for aquite a bit,but I only got a couple of chapter's down. So if you guys could leave some comments, ideas, suggestions that would be really great. The more you help the faster I get these chapters out!

I hope you guys enjoy the story. I really put a lot into it.



The Silence in Black and White

The silence in black and white

Falling forward as she walks toward the light

Chapter 1- My life story in a series of paragraphs.

"Not every cloud has a silver fucking lining-"


Oh, Christ. As if it wasn't horrible enough having to spend the holiday vacation with my dreadful parents they have decided (without any consolation on my part what so ever) to bring the rest of the clan along too. Of course every year this happens. My parents lure me in with promises of a lovely château on the countryside along with a fireplace, cable television, and all the snacks my little cholesterol loving heart desires. But these are all lies, filthy LIES. Why my parents aren't CEO's of some corporations with their lies are beyond me. Of course, I being a righteous good little girl I am I curtly agree without a second thought. This is my ultimate downfall.

This brings me to my current position, sitting in the backseat of our large car. My aunt and mother in the row behind and father and uncle up front serving as the chauvinist pigs they are. My cousin is bouncing around next to me "playing with my CD's." I keep smacking her head telling her to stop causing my mother to give me that "don't make me look like a bad mother in front of your stupid rich relatives-on-your-fathers-side" type look. I have diminished our families' honor ages ago but that's besides the matter. My uncle is talking about real-estate and the money we don't have.

You see I'm not poor in the Christian Children's Fund kind of Way but in the,

"Ma, can I have a 20 to buy some clothing?" and always getting the same answer kind of way.

"Do you think money grows on trees or something? Cause I've never seen a tree with money before, have you?" my mother asks with an angry look on her face.

Me, trying to lighten the mood but ultimately failing, answer back.

"Perhaps, we're buying the wrong trees, maybe if we didn't buy everything from National Wholesale Liquidators we would find one," causing my mother's veins to protrude from her forehead.

(A/N: I don't know if they have, NHL is other states but they are these really cheap crappy wholesale stores where everything is cheap and horrible quality. Yes, this line is based on real life events!)

This usually gets a sort of I-would-have-had-an-abortion-if-I-had-any-money kind of answer but I'm used to it. I've never had a 7th heaven type family. Just the kind where your forced to say your share the same house but somehow try to cover it up like "I was adopted" which never really works.

Anyways I'm trying to ignore dreadful conversations of those around me and try to listen to my music. My cousin keeps begging to listen to my 'angry teenager music' but I decline politely by hitting her on the head. Simultaneously everyone in the car goes "Tina!" and I'm turning up my headphones for the tenth time.

My names not really Tina, well it is but no one calls me that. I dislike it probably since the only time I hear it is from close relatives. Everyone else calls me Kristina, Kris, Stina, or whatever. In school, everyone refers to me as Goth despite the fact I wear colors and not too much eye make-up, but in my urban city-esque school if you aren't wearing Ecko or RocaWear, you're a Goth. It can get annoying but I'm pretty much used to it. The only reason I even decided to go to Lake Placid was to get away from Brooklyn and everyone there. Maybe folk in Lake Placid will be friendlier, or not.

I've been in this car for about 2 hours and apparently, there are many more fun times to come. My 8-year-old cousin continues to try and talk to me but I ignore her requests. Maybe if she realizes I can't stand her she'll stop. Conor Obersts' wails of desperation are clouding up my head and emo poetry is shaking in my hands. I grab a pen and begin to write.

We're lighting up, making jokes.

She takes a pull and begins to choke.

I watch beside her and feel far away.

Watching these little choices and how they'll ruin you.

The hunger for a warm body will lead

Some people to do things they regret.

Myself included.

Why are they all the same but different?

Why do they hurt you?

What don't they care?

Why don't I?

That's all I can write ever since I broke up with Kevin, or vise verse. It doesn't even really matter anymore. Kevin was great, brown hair blue eyes, award-winning smile. However, he wasn't perfect. He wanted a lot from me, stuff I wasn't exactly ready to give him. He kept telling me he loved me, and I believed him. I couldn't stand the thought of him breaking up with me so, I had sex with him. And it hurt really badly and I cried but he didn't say anything. He told him it would hurt less the more I did it but I couldn't answer him. I fell asleep sore and cold that night. I didn't see Kevin again.

That was about 4 months ago and I can't seem to forget it. That whole 'deed' itself is kind of blurry but there's one thing I remember, his eyes. The look in his eyes was so…scary. He looked almost insane, completely focused on what he was doing (no pun intended). Every time I think about it everything starts to hurt so I try not to. But it's so hard especially since everything I see reminds me of him, of us.

That night, was so strange but so perfect in a sense. I remember almost everything. My parents we out of town, in my Pocono house or something. I was watching Conan and the doorbell rang. I figured it was a Jehovah's Witness or something and ignored it. It rang again, and I got up ready to give 100 excuses on why I couldn't participate in the program they were going to offer me. I open the door and it's Kevin. He smells like alcohol and flowers. He has this lazy grin on my face and his eyebrow is up. 'Oh god' I thought 'what does he want now?'

He smiled and waited for a second for me to say something. This leaving me staring at him and smiling back.

"So, can I come in? Are you parents home?" he asks so innocently.

"Oh, um yea! My parent's aren't…here. Their in the Pocono's." I answer and step aside to let him inside.

(A/N: The Pocono's is this cheap type of place to go in winter for skiing, and it's in Pennsylvania. People from New York usually go there in the winter since it's like 2 hours away…)

He runs his hands through his long blondish brown hair and steps inside. He waits for me to close the door and turn around to face him. He gives me a light kiss on the lips and smiles.

"I missed you," he cooed, every so quietly.

"You saw me, 5 hours ago. In school, remember?" I said almost laughing.

"Doesn't matter, missed you anyway." He tells me and kisses me again.

This isn't anything new or anything. He would always tell me he missed me or that he loved me, whatever got my hand down his pants would be the word or phrase of the week. I wish I wasn't quite so easy. He probably got bored of me. I would too.

After a brief kissing session he walks into the living and takes off his sweater. He pulls his shirt along with the sweater by accident and is standing in my living room only in his pants. I blush and cover my face with embarrassment as he mutters something and puts his white t-shirt on. I stare a little longer this time as her pulls his shirt on. His pale skin looks so smooth I have to resist the urge to touch him. His black jeans are baggy and ripped and he looks great, gorgeous even. I suddenly feel very ugly in my pajamas and tank top.

We stand there for a moment just looking at each other and I decide to break the ice.

"So you want anything to eat? Drink maybe?" We have some leftover lasagna if you want." I say immediately feeling like an idiot afterwards.

"I didn't come here to eat your lasagna Kristina, I came for you." He says seriously.

I swallow my tongue and can't seem to think of a witty or suggestive comment to say back. I suddenly feel my hands get clammy and my heart is racing. I don't know why I was so nervous. We've done so much stuff together and I was never nervous before. I guess it was because I knew what we were going to do that night. It was obvious.

Before I can answer him he comes towards me and places his hands on my face. He begins to kiss me on my face and neck. Not sure of what to do with my hands I place them on his back and keep them there, where they are safe. He leads me towards my room knowing every step of the way even with his eyes closed. Amazing how boys possess such powers. I can't make it to my room without bumping into anything with my eyes open.

Soon we are on my bed in a full blasted make-out session. We're messing each other's hair up getting spit everywhere, rumpled clothes the whole deal. His hand begins to go up my shirt and I get nervous but don't stop him. He pulls off his shirt in one swift movement and now is wearing only his pants. He reaches to pull off my shirt and I stop him. I've never been too comfortable with my body especially since I wasn't exactly skinny. I was average so to speak but that extra pudge really bothered me and Kevin on top of me built like a god wasn't helping. He sensed my apprehension and stopped for a moment.

"What's wrong? You don't want to…I mean that's okay…I just thought that…"

I knew I was kind of acting like a tease since we were together for about 6 months but I was so afraid that if he'd see me (if the lights were on at least) he'd shriek cover his eyes and run away yelling obscenities. I knew this wasn't a very realistic reaction but still I kept my clothes on.

"No that's not it, I want to, you know I do, I'm just…I don't think you'll want me…"

Right after saying it I felt like a complete moron and wished I'd said something mysterious or sexy. I've never really been either. Kevin smirks at me almost laughing to himself. He begins to kiss me again and mumbles

"That's not possible…do you want me to turn off the light?"

(A/N: Okay I know I totally ripped that from A Walk to Remember, so sue me! Back to the story please…)

I nod my head yes and he slips off of me to go across the room to turn off the light. I watch him take his long strides and think how lucky I am, to have my first time with a guy like him. I smile and tell myself that he won't think I'm gross and I just have to act normal, which was hard considering I was breathing so hard I sounded like my lungs were slowly collapsing.

Kevin came back on the bed and this time I let him take off my shirt. He didn't make any face of disgust or horror; it was just more of a peaceful look if anything. He slowly kissed me from my neck downwards and I squirmed around cause it was ticklish. I couldn't believe this was happening; it seemed like a trashy romance novel, not real life. Though I knew it was real. Nothing this scary could come from my imagination.

I felt all these emotions at once as he masterfully snapped my bra, fear, lust, anticipation, regret. It was all a lot to think about at once so I tried to focus on what was happening. Though it seemed the whole time my mind was in another place, far away from where I really was. My bed, the bed I had slept in for most of my life. Now whenever I would sleep in it, I'd remember this night.

Kevin soon had us both naked on top of each other kissing like it was the last time we would. Funny now I think of it, that was the last time we ever did. Anyways without warning he took out a condom and ripped it with one slice. He seemed to be an expert at this, which really didn't surprise me much. He kissed me once more before he began and said,

"This might hurt a little bit ok? But I promise soon it will feel good…real good."

And with that he began not asking for permission he just entered me and my breath caught in my throat. I was gasping for air trying not to let tears pour down my face. It hurt, it hurt so much, but I didn't say stop. That was one thing I could never tell Kevin, no. That was all I remembered from that night. Now when I think about it I kind of block out the rest of it and just remember the good part. The parts when he told me he loved me and that he always would. I can't believe I actually believed him, but with eyes like that, it's kind of hard not to.

So that was the last I saw of Kevin and ever since he and I split up I promised I'd stay away from guys. All they did was make you feel great one minute and like a worthless the next. It took me a while to figure out what made me do it, have sex that is. He told me he loved me, and that he would respect me, but I guess I thought it would keep him around. Instead it did the exact opposite. It didn't help I went to school with him either.

For about a week every time I saw him I'd get sick and run to the bathroom. It makes me so angry how he made me feel, so worthless, like I was replaceable. I guess I was, but for whatever reason I can't seem to let go. He invades my mind daily; his light blue eyes are always in my head even though I should hate him. I can't hate him, but I wish I could. I have all the reason too, it's just he was so, perfect? I don't know but I wish I could rewind back and change everything. Maybe then, I wouldn't be crying right now.

I wipe my tears away before any of the clan feel like asking me what's and then scoffing and saying something about teenagers when I don't' reply. It seems after the age of 13 you don't matter anymore. You're just an angry teenager and no one bothers anymore. Like you're just hopeless, and stupid.

I switch disks because Bright Eyes isn't what I need to feel better and instead put on Taking Back Sunday. I close my eyes and try to fall asleep but all I can see is his face, and his hair hanging down brushing cheeks. I realize that I can't let him ruin my life, I won't. So I think of something better to do and since sleep doesn't really come so instead I try to amuse myself and ask my cousin about her sexual escapades. Surely they're more exciting than mine are.

"So Michelle… got any lately?"

I ask discretely hoping my mom doesn't hear me.

"Got any what? Toys?"

I snort to myself and try not to let her see my grin. My cousin looks dumbfounded which make it even funnier and she's slowly catching on.

"Yeah—toys, sure, of course."

She raises her eyebrow and suddenly understands what I mean. For an 8 year old she's quite ahead of the times. I give her an innocent look and a grin spreads across her face revealing numerous gaps where baby teeth used to reside. She turns around briskly and tells my aunt something. This of course, causes uproar and once again I'm the bad seed.

"Tina! What kind of things are you feeding Michelle? She tells me you're telling her to have sex with an old man! Is this true?"

She's furious, and so if my mom. I've failed to make her proud once again. I'm extremely pissed at Michelle for making up such bullshit but I let it go. Instead I burst into hysterics, which only makes things worse.

"I-I- didn't-s-s-ay anything!"

I gasp in between squeals. My aunt doesn't find it to be amusing and instead ridicules my mother (as usual) for bad upbringing. As if it's her fault I seek amusement in all the wrong places. For a moment I almost feel bad, but her abortion comments will never be lived down. I put my headphones back on refusing to listen to my aunt yell at my mom. I'm half expected her to punch my aunt but she doesn't. Nothing happens. My mom pretends she didn't hear anything and falls back asleep. It's not that abortion comments that angry me. It's her sheer apathy towards life that particularity sends me off the edge.

But if apathy is her biggest down fall I guess she isn't so bad. She's not a crackwhore or anything. Unlike my aunt, who thinks she knows everything about everyone. She continues to talk but is blared out by guitars. I mutter, "Shut the fuck up" apparently a little too loudly. This earns me another smack on the head from mommy dearest.

Why, oh why couldn't I be a foster child?

For No One- By the Beatles.

Your day breaks, your mind aches

You find that all her words of kindness linger on

When she no longer needs you

She wakes up, she makes up

She takes her time and doesn't feel she has to hurry

She no longer needs you

And in her eyes you see nothing

No sign of love behind the tears

Cried for no one

A love that should have lasted years

You want her, you need her

And yet you don't believe her when she says her love is dead

You think she needs you

And in her eyes you see nothing

No sign of love behind the tears

Cried for no one

A love that should have lasted years

You stay home, she goes out

She says that long ago she knew someone but now he's gone

She doesn't need him

Your day breaks, your mind aches

There will be times when all the things she said will fill your head

You won't forget her

And in her eyes you see nothing

No sign of love behind the tears

Cried for no one

A love that should have lasted years

end of chapter

And so it begins....remember to review!