Summary: Once again, its night-time. Why does it always have to be night-time? When its night, or just plain dark, I'm always tired. And when I'm tired, I'll fall asleep anywhere. And when I fall asleep, I begin to suffocate.
It's night once again. I say good bye to all my friends that I'm talking to on the internet. Time for bed, I say. Only two of them know why I'm going to bed this early. As for the rest, they always want to know why I go to bed shortly after my dad. How do I tell them that I suffocate? They'd never get it. As for my two friends that know, they worry.
So, here I go. The computers shut down and all the living room lights are shut off. I make my way, once again, into my bed room where I turn on the lights: all of them. Now it's very bright in here. Almost too bright, I think to myself. But then I smile and know that the brighter it is, the longer I go without suffocating.
Even though it's bright in my room, I soon grow weary. I sigh, as I then follow my ritual. I get out of bed, turn off my light above my desk, the light on my desk, the light on my nightstand, the standing floor lamp next to my wanna-be bear skin rug, and last but not least my overhead light. That still leaves the TV on, though.
I crawl into bed, hug my blanket and close my eyes. So far, so good, I think to myself. But this is always how it starts. And then, all before I know what happening, it starts again. First it kind of starts with my heart and it feeling like its being squeezed. And then someone lets go of it and all of the bad things from that day come rushing out of me. I try not to cry as I close my eyes tighter. Tears start to leak out as my blood pressure drops considerably and my pulse starts to race.
Now my heart feels empty of that day's event, it triggers my mind to start re-thinking them again. Today it's different, I guess you could say, but not in a good way. It's the same feeling of being rejected by the guy you love most, and then it stops. Well, the memories stop but the pain and rejection keeps on coming. Normally, I can get lost in the memories, but not today. Then different memories start. Ones of my dad and his girlfriend going out and leaving me home alone for hours at a time.
Instead of feeling rejected, I now feel alone. Soon these quaint memories are replaced by my mother and stepfather badgering me to move out there, of them telling me I'm anorexic, of them telling me I'm depressed. One out of two ain't bad, I think to myself.
My arms snake around my shoulders and grip into them with sharp nails. Soon I'm drawing blood once again and then I remember how I felt once I told someone that I didn't cut when I felt like it and how proud they were but then I told them that I cut a few days earlier. I quickly let go and hug myself real tight, wishing for these memories to go away. Soon I'm starting to cry again and then, all of a sudden, I can't breathe. My mind goes blank but yet's in a panic. How can that be?
Breathe in, I tell myself. Breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. It's over, I tell myself, and soon fall asleep.