I never asked you to take the blame
and I never asked you to feel fault
but you do, again and again
and in your guilt, I am left feeling wrong
that your feelings are because of me
and then I feel worse, that ever before
Father
I ask you to be nothing more than my father
not a burden bearer, or a martyr of fate
I never wanted you to feel
in control of everything and yet here you are...
Sighing, ever so softly
your voice- so heavy, so deep, so sad
it pains me to look at you
it pains me to hear these words of shame
come from your mouth
but I cannot live in such pain
and it has changed
from a pain, to a throb, then to an anger
towards you, and suddenly, you are at fault
despite your role before
and I begin to believe all those words out of your mouth
and find myself in such a rage at your lack of control
at your lack of guidance
and your lack of being what I need the most
Father
when did you become just another deadbeat dad
one who sends a check, thinking that means love
that I'll come to you when I need you
don't you realize? I need you always
and I cannot be strong enough to bring that
to your attention all the time- even when I do
and try to gain the love you claim to have for me
you are so stern and cold and lost
that you lead me even further to despair
you've become just like that which I hate
and you've become something
I no longer wish to see or know of
Father
When did you become something else
and when did it become my responsibility
to pick up the handle
and make that phone call
to hear your sad voice on the other end
as you drone on and on
about all these sad things
then hang up before I can say a word
not even a hello, goodbye- love you
Father,
when will you become more than my Eeyore
mopping under your sticks?