For a long time, I thought I needed you.

Before I set out on my own

And realized you were just holding me down.

You held me together,

Protected me from insanity,

Gave me courage to keep persevering.

You saw me when I was invisible,

You heard me when I cried.

You knew when I hurt inside,

And understood

When no one else could.

Now I'm abandoned,

Left out in the cold

Like an old Christmas tree.

I wish it could be like it was before,

Because my brain cannot change.

When the going gets rough,

I instinctively turn to you

Before I remember that

There is no one there.

There's no one to tell me not to die,

No one to hear me when I cry,

No one to find me when I hide,

No one to care that I hurt inside,

No one to understand.

Nothing is slowing my dance with death.

But as much as I want you out of my thoughts,

You hold my secrets and the key to my soul.

I'm not ready to know myself yet.

For now, it's easier to pretend

That I really am the face

That I show to the world.

You alone have seen behind my mask.

You've seen the phantom that lurks there.

You prevented me from becoming someone I'm not,

But now, my shell gets stronger by the day,

Leaving me struggling inside,

Trying not to commit suicide,

I wouldn't let this monster steal my life,

But a part of me has already died

And I don't have the strength to survive.

As my tired heart pumps the poison through my veins,

I take one final look around,

Only to remember that there is

No one

There.

A gasping laugh escapes my throat

As I wonder,

What gave me hope?