Anticipation

I'm sitting here waiting. Still waiting for some news. I let my mind drift off to a faraway place, my thoughts are weightless in the crystalline void of the world.

I try not to let it get to me but it's so damn hard! Everything I worked for, gone in a flash. My head feels heavy and I drift off into a restless slumber. The devil invades my dreams. The darkness of my soul is discovered when he rips it open. The blood. The gore. Dripping like a leaky faucet.

Hanging onto my last lifeline, I cling to this life before plunging farther and farther into the murky depths of the bottomless pit he lives in. He cackles with evil joy at my agony.

I can't let it get to me. This time I won't suffer. But then my mind starts talking and it won't shut up. I've known my whole life this day would come. He's back. I'll never escape his fiery embrace. To live another day is asking too much; to die tonight is asking too little. To find my reality in the soul he has captured is beyond the truth. Even I can't believe the words I'm hearing.

Wake up. Make a life for yourself. Don't let it get to you, the anguish of your life. I can't ignore the voice. The tranquil sigh of slumber that whispers in my ear, into my heart. Let it out. Ignore the world. One day I will find the truth. He knows. I know. I can't forget what he did to me.

Forgiveness will never be spoken. Die tonight and I'll never be broken. I'm already broken. My life is torn into shreds, my soul is his now. I can't imagine him not being here. Life would be easy, but death would be hard. My soul aches to be near him, yet longs to be far, far away. I can't have it both ways. One way is for me, the other is death. Death of my conscience, death of my soul.

He tears my still beating heart out of my chest and I smile as he sees my pain. It beats in the palm of his hand, my heart, the only organ that lives within me. A thousand hearts, a million ways to break them. He knows none. He knows nothing.

My mind drifts to another place. He is there. He is always there. I stoop to pick up my fallen sight and he closes in to take my vision. I see him and steal his heart. My hand opens to reveal nothing. He has no heart. No soul to call his own. I can't let it stop me. I want him as my own, but he is already mine.I want him to leave me alone. Just leave my thoughts and invade my life. He is life.

As I drift from one world to the next, I fall back into the real world. My news is here, and it's everything I wanted, but nothing I desired. He's gone. From the real world, he's gone. In my head, he still lives, breaking my hearts in his way, but I don't let it get to me. I can't let it get to me. My life is far from over. He'll always be there when I need my heart broken, but he'll never be there to set my hearts free. Free from the world, free from my anguish, free from his soul.

I cry. I scream. He does not listen. Never has. My soul moans in desperation. Let me free. Let me be. I can't live in his world. I can't live in mine. If I die, my world ends and his begins. I'll never die. Not in this world. I may falter, but I won't let him get to me. I can't let it get to me. He may know my soul, but he doesn't know how to break my hearts. I can't forget the pain he caused. My agony. My pleasure. I want so badly to believe but it's so damn hard! He'll never let me go. Holding me hostage is what he does best. I will be his captive as long as it takes.

I sigh to myself and stand. It seems I have waited my whole life for this, yet now that I have it, I long to get rid of this. It's mine, but it's his as well. He did it to me. It's all my fault.

I fell in love, and now I'll have to pay the consequences.