Love blah etc

I was crazy that night. I called him and I was crazy

First call - crazy happy that he answered. Crazy happy that he called me back.

Second call - Crazy happy that he noticed it took me more than a half hour to call him back.

Third call - just plain crazy when I called him at 6 am sobbing

I thanked him thanked him thanked him for answering his phone

After a three month absence

His voice was a choir of angels

Sparkling wind chimes

A familiar lullaby

My mother's music box

His voice was wonderful

And it was speaking to me for the first time in so long

Laughing with me

Enjoying my voice

It was super, to say the least

Super

Amazing

Saving

In the dark in the cold in the 6 am gloom I shivered under a fuzzy brown blanket and my panic dribbled out my mouth, into the receiver, over phone lines that transferred it into light, to his phone, to his ear, through the canals inside, to his brain, and arriving in his heart

Crazy girl, he must've thought

Crazy girl, I thought myself!

But you never know how alarmed and scared and irrational you feel after a large man hits you until one actually does

And I called him at 6 am, the drunk truths falling out that I missed him like crazy and loved him blah blah blah love love love etc etc etc

And sobering up, I saw it was a lie

I saw I wasn't interested in him now, just like I wasn't before

I saw that I needed a savior, any savior, not him

I needed love

Love love love blah blah blah etc etc etc

We all need love

And we all do shitty things to get it

We are all shit, really…

I need to see you I need to see you, came the drunk truth from my mouth

Sunday, he said

When Sunday came, it was just like the last few months

Silence

No answer. No call back.

His voice flittered back into my life one night on angel's wings

On the wings of a savior

Who enclosed me in the arms of his voice

Reminded me that there is a good person

That can love and care about me

And not hit me

And his voice left again

Not on angel's wings

Not so extraordinarily

Just in that way that happens so often

So undramatically, so casually

Yet so

Utterly

painfully

And its absence reminded me

that there is a good person

That can love and care about me

And that I broke his heart