Afraid Of Change

I need help in more ways then one. But I don't know how to ask for it. You said you'll always be there for me, but why do you care? Why does it bother you when I cut, when I starve and when I feel sick. Why do you care so much? That's an honest and fair question. But I need help, I really, really do. But I can't ask you. I Feel I'm too clingy, calling you too much, talking to you too much and just bothering you. But when I say I need help, its easier said then done coz I want to but I can't have my parents finding out that I cut or that I'm cross between bulimic and anorexic. These are getting out of control. I'll binge for days but then I'll starve myself until I no longer feel guilty for actually eating. Getting light headed, dizzy and just over hungered was becoming the norm for me. I didn't feel the effects of not eating because I had starved myself for so long. Every time I thought of food it repulsed me beyond belief. I would get this sickening feeling and would want to puke. People around me would eat and I would feel good, that I didn't give into temptation. The stomach grumbling to me was a pat on the back as I was being strong and not giving in. you say that if I keep this up I'll get sick. But I don't care and I know I won't and I think starving my body is better than scarring it. But I'm confused coz my head is playing tricks on me, coz one minute I'll ask for help but the next I feel that I don't need it coz I'm fine. I may be a bulimic/anorexic cutter, but for me life is good. I prefer it that way coz I've been like this for so long that change is something I'm afraid of.