My Fix

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The fleshy part of my wrist

Skinny and slight and swollen red

Banging it against chair legs

Pinching and tearing the skin

With my long flaky fingernails

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Do you have any idea how much it costs me?

This endless minimalist abuse

A few swollen veins, no red hot relief

Just dull bruise upon dull bruise

I can't concentrate I can't think

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Constantly nagging the back of my mind

There is no reason there is no excuse

Just the only true thing I know

I want to cut I need to cut

Bursting and urgent and desperate

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You look at me, like I just kicked you

Big eyes, pathetic puppy dog

I feel so guilty; what did I do?

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Do you have any idea how much this hurts?

I'm a junkie; I'm just a junkie

I need my fix how can you deny me?

My supplier lies beside my thighs

A razor, a safety pin, a carving knife

Anything will do, I am a junkie

I am surrounded by my heroin

Constantly only one thing in my mind

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I am Tantalus

Doomed to grasp for some relief

Standing in front of my sibilant blade

A chase without a match

I am just a junkie holding a fix

I am a junkie without needles

Grasping for my grapes

Imprisoned in their sphere of half light

Not so very far above me

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Can't you see how I'm just trying to stay alive?

You've caged me

Even Tantalus was allowed to be unhappy