Tired

The day I died was most likely the most depressing day of my life, one that verged on my serious contemplation of suicide. Strangely enough, I didn't end my own life (I'm vaguely of the mindset that I didn't have the balls to do it even though I knew exactly how I would, the beautifully poetic vision of me laying on the floor, throat slit ear to ear.), but rather was killed by a freak accident, a one in a million chance. Well, not really, but one often hears not of death by bone splinters to the brain. First fight ever and it looked like I would win and a lucky shot to the nose ends my life. Damn, I hate that bastard. He's getting a shot right to the balls when next I see him.

God. Where to begin? Did you know I still feel like a loser, like I never accomplished anything? I thought I had it figured out, thought I knew what I could and would do later on in life, how I'd be useful to society until at least 40 but, no, I died still in high school, two weeks shy of 18. Two weeks shy. Of 18. What kind of justice is that? I wasn't legal to drive, to vote, to smoke. Hell, I didn't even have unlimited driving privileges yet. I'd never made a name for myself, never filed my taxes, rented a boat, owned a house, paid for shots for my pet, nothing. In short, I was a loser. They tell me around here that God has a plan for everyone, that these things work out for some reason that only He knows. Well, they don't say "God" per say, it's all inferred because Christians obviously aren't right, none of them really are, but that's beside the point. I figured I'd just mention the fact that none of us really know what the hell's going on even though we all try so hard to. Just trying to prep you for that one; would've been nice if someone had for me. Hell, would've been nice if I hadn't wasted my last day as I had.

Eh, but that's just me bein' bitter. It happens sometimes, that's why they say I won't move on for a while, that I've still got some things to work out. Fuck that, it ain't so bad here. Well, not yet, but they say it gets worse. Fuck it; I don't give a damn.

But I'll be damned if I go out without a word, without acknowledgement, which is the whole reason I weaseled this out of the People Above (not "God," there's a bureaucracy Up Here, just like everywhere else with people in charge and subordinates; any wonder what set of rules governs law? Didn't think so.). That or I'd jack the AoD's flaming sword and bring about a reign of fire and brimstone that would bring AoD to shame. They know I'm crazy as hell. Good people, once you give them motivation, really. Actually, it's pretty strange how nervy they are about chaos around here; they really just want to settle you down. Kind of strange, but it's also nice to be catered to for once. Don't know how the hell I made it here (stuffed ballots, maybe?) but it just makes you feel good to have, like what you accomplished isn't yours but you should be proud that somehow you snagged it. It's funny, really.

So, what am I trying to do here? Tryin' to teach, I guess; I'd always wanted to teach before I died. I'd even started writing my legislature in hopes of raising the salaries of teachers. I mean, is that really fair? $40,000 a year when athletes make so much more? Why are all the truly important people so underpaid? Is it to discourage promotion of the success of this country? Just another one of those little things that irritates me, I suppose. A lot of little things irritate me but I'll try to let that pass so I can deliver a good lesson, one we all should try to learn.

In short, I'll give you the benefit of Death. It really is the only good teacher.