Bob the Lizard
He did something.
Bob's Bad Day
Bob woke up and rolled out of bed. He klunked his head on the floor and became unconscious. He didn't die. Ever. As Bob. got breakfast, he threw up all over his cereal. He had forgotten he was allergic to purpleberries. When his girlfriend called, she got mad at him for trying to break their date. He went canoeing with Sari, but she threw up on him and he nearly drowned because he jumped out of the canoe. But he didn't because he can never die. That night when he fell asleep, he had a nightmare and realized he had forgotten to eat dinner!
Bob Got Too Hyper
Bob Had Caffiene for breakfast. Then he jumped around a lot, acted wierd, and bumped his head on the ceiling. He had to go to the hospital because he had a boo-boo. When the doctor sent Bob home, he had more caffeine. Then he went outside and jumped into a water fountain on a pogo stick. He then climbed the mayor's work building and smudged all the windows. Then he jumped down and landed on his girlfriend, who slapped him. Bob saw a hobo and did the tango with him. The hobo happened to be a flamingo, so Bob turned him upside down, ran to the nearest mini golf place, and began to play. He shot the ball into the water, so he went after it and nearly drowned. Then he remembered he was a frog! So he was kicked out.
Bob Meets An Alien
idea by Amber Kunkel
One day, Bob went for a walk in the park. He walked to the playground and pushed a kid off a swing. He told the kid that was his swing only. So the kid started crying and ran away. Bob sat down and began to swing. Then a UFO landed on the seesaw. "Hey! That's MY seesaw!" yelled Bob. Just as an alien stepped out, Bob jumped on the seesaw and catapalted the UFO to the swings. Bob looked over just in time to see the UFO and the swingset explode. Bob yelled. He screamed. He had a temper tantrum. "HEY! THAT'S MY SWING!" he screamed. He didn't know the alien was standing right beside him. Bob gave the alien a blaack eye when he tried to walk away. Then the alien tried to abduct him. The alien flew into space with Bob, then dropped him back to Earth. Bob almost died. But he didn't. Bob can't ever, EVER die.
Too bad. Bob can't die. Ever. Even if you want him to.
Bob's Itty Bitty Problem
One day, Bob ate. And ate. And ate. And ate. Bob's new girlfriend Sari told him he was gonna get fat. Bob was offended. So he stopped eating altogether to prove he could stay in shape. He went annorexic. The next day, Bob was tempted to eat, but he told himself he would NOT. After a week, he looked terribly weak. Sari told him he was getting uglier by the day. Bob was offended. So he started wearing makeup. After another week, his clothes were too big. Sari told him he needed new clothes. Bob was offended. So he bought some 1980s disco clothes. Then Sari told him he looked like he was gunna die. But Bob couldn't do anything about that. Bob can't die. Ever. So he thought, 'Heck, if I can't die, I might as well eat again. I'll be fat now, and get pretty later. I wanna live my life to the fullest. Besides, I can't die. No matter what."
Bob Got Really Super Bored.
One day, Bob was really bored. He decided to jump off a really tall building. He almost died. But he didn't. Bob can't ever die. Bob decided he'd rather get bored than die. So he sat on top of the fountain in the center of the town. He go wet.
THE END. billy rox like totally holler
Bob's Anger Management Class
idea by Emily Bohlen and Tyler Wall
One day, Sari told Bob he needed anger management classes. Bob was offended. But he went to class, anyways. He was so angry that when he got to the building, he ripped the door right off its' hinges. Bob did the same thing witht the elevator doors and the classroom door. When the teacher, Mr. Groundhog, arrived, he began to call role. "Anna? Gollum? Fufu?" When he got to each of their names, the creatures nodded at him. "Bob?" The lizard jumped up. "WHAT DO YOU WANT?! WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS?!" Bob yelled savagely. He lifted his desk above his head and heaved it across the room. Several students received broken arms, legs, and brains. Mr. G. sighed. "This is going to take a while," he declared. "Anyhow," he continued, "I believe we should start by finding your fuel. Hmm...Fufu, what is your fuel for anger?" he asked calmly. Fufu sniffled. "Well, I don't like it when the fairy threatens me, so I take my anger out on the field mice." Mr. Groundhog nodded. "I see...hmm...uh...Bob? What's your fu--" He noticed Bob was riding slowly from his chair with an evil glare on his face. "I HAVE NO FUEL!!" With that, the madman lifted his chair above his head and catapaulted it into Mr. Groundhog's head. The rodent was knocked to the ground. As Bob sat back down on the floor, Mr. Groundhog scurried to his feet. "Okay, now...moving on...Miss Muffet, I would like to know wha--" he was cut off once again by Bob. "WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL ON ME?!" he yelled. "I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE NEXT! I WAS THE VICTIM! NOW I SHALL MAKE YOU THE VICTIM!" Bob ran over to Mr. Groundhog, heaved him over his sholders, and flung him out the window. Needless to say, Bob was expelled and Mr. Groundhog was checked into the hospital.
Bob's New Job...(or not)
One day, Bob decided he wanted a job. "I'm beautiful, so why don't I become a supermodel?!" he asked his ex-girlfriend, Cindy. She gave him the little 'talk-to-the-hand' motion, so he shrugged and went home to prepare. Bob put on a ton of makeup and "borrowed" his cousin's prom dress. Then he stood in front of the miror and screamed. "OH MY GOSH! WHAT DID I DO?! I AM SO GOSH DARN BEAUTIFUL!" he yelled. Bob ran outside and down the street to the modeling agency. He knocked about twenty people over by running into them, and aabout fifty because of his...ahem...stunning...looks. When he ran through the doors to the agency, everyone was knocked unconscious by his new, glam look. Bob shrugged and walked home.
Bob's Other New Job
The next day, Bob decided he wanted to be a policeman. So he went up to the police station and asked for a job. The secretary, Heather the Bunny, took one look at him and snickered. "Um...you can try controlling traffic on 3rd and Main...heh heh. Yeah." So Bob went out to look for 3rd and Main...only there was none. So Bob went on back to the police station and bopped Heather on the head with a tennis racquet. She was knocked unconscious. Bob shrugged and went home.
Bob Ate A Whole Lot of Purpleberries
Bob went shopping at a store to shop at with his friend, Kyle, and he saw some purplebberries. Even though Bob is highly allergic to them, so bad that he could die if he could die, which he can't if he ate them, he bought the berries that were purple which he bought at a store where animals go shopping. When Bob and Kyle got to Bob's house for Field Mouse Bop Monday (a really big sporting event), they pigged out on purpleberries, which are berries that are purple. Ie wasn't pretty after that. Let's just say Kyle went home very soon, in great need of the bath, and the T.V. brok and Bob's stomach was happy, even though Bob was electrocuted by the non-water-resistant T.V. He almost died. But he didn't. Bob can't ever die.
Bob's Near-Death Experience
One day, Bob almost died. But he didn't for 2 reasons. First, Bob can't ever die. Second, this story is about a near death experience. So ha.
Bob Got High Off of Bubble Gum Wrappers
One day, Bob woke up and fell out of bed. On the floor, he found a really sugary piece of gum. It smelled good. Bob picked up the wrapper and smelled it. It smelled really, really amazing. So he smelled it again. And again. And again. Bob was hyper! He bounced up and down really quickly until he jumped out the window. Once he hit the ground, he bounced down the street into the candy shop and got tons of gum. Then he ran into a woodpecker. He sat on the woodpecker's back as though it was a horse and said, "GIDDYUP!" So the woodpecker flew off and dropped Bob off at the local elementary school's supply closet. Bob said, "Toto, I've a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore." He busted the door open and jumped out the nearest window. He almost died. But he didn't. Bob can't ever die.
Bob's New Refrigerator
One day, Bob bought a new fridge. He put food in it and closed the door. It was full. Then he ate all the food. It was empty. Bob had to buy some more food and a really big brown paper bag for all of the old food.
Bob's New Haircut
Uuuh...Bob has no hair. His hair can't get cut because he has none. Duh.
Bob's Piece of Cheese
One day, Bob found a piece of cheese in his new fridge. He ate it and then he got really hyper. Bob decided that he wanted to go outside, so he sat on his unicycle and crashed through his door. He kept pedaling down the street as he sang "I'm a Little Teapot." Then he thought, "Hey! I am a teapot! I need to fill up!" So Bob rode his unicycle to the lake in the park and then stopped. He leaped off the bike and sat by the lake. The lizard pulled a giant green straw out of his pocket. "I'm a little teapot! Fill me up!" he shouted as he hummed the song. With that, Bob began to drink the lake up. Twenty minutes later, Bob had drunk his body weight in water. "I'm a little teapot!" Bob yelled out. He jumped up and closed his eyes. As he covered his eyes with a blindfold from his pocket, Bob began to run around in random circles, waving his arms. "More tea! More tea!" he chanted. Many walkers in the park stopped to simply stare at the lunatic. "More tea! More tea! more t--" Bob's runing was cut off by a giant Maple tree. He was knocked unconscious. Bob would have died it he had run into a giant oak tree, but he didn't. Plus, he can't die. So ha.
Bob Tried To Talk To an Inanimate Object
One day, Bob got really, really bored. This wasn't the kind of bored you get when you've got nothing to do, but I mean so bored, he could have died, if he could die. Bob walked up ro a teacup and tried to talk to it. "Hi. How are you?" he asked it. No response came from it. "I'm fine, thanke," Bob told the cup. "Wuzzup?" he asked. No response. "Well, I like green tea with LOADS of sugar," he said. "I'll make some." So Bob made green tea. In his cup, he poured a pound of sugar. Bob got really hyper. He took the cup by the handle and began to parade around the town with it. Then he walked into a lamp post. It wasn't pretty.
Bob's Newest, Most Bestest Job
After Bob's last job as a police officer, he decided to get a new job...a real job. So he searched the papers for the perfect job, day and night, for one week. Finally, Bob found the most perfect job. He applied to work at McDonald's! A few days after he applied, Bob got the job of being a drive-thru worker. He was so excited, he jumped. Yeah. So when his first day arrived, he was excessively excited. Bob was so excited, he jumped out his bedroom window on the way to work. Yeah. So by the time he got to McDonald's, Bob was just plain hyper. His boss handed him a headset thing and passed him on to work in Drive Thru Window 1. Bob screamed for joy. Yeah. So when he had to take his first order, he screamed in the microphone so loudly that he almost deafened the person. Bub he didn't. When the car drove past Window 1, Bob hopped on top and grabbed a ride. It was fun.
Bob Did a Bad Thing
One day, Bob was watching a TV show about bad guys and their secret lives. It was a documentary. Bob decided that since it was not fictional, he wanted to do bad guy things and earn a notorious nickname. So Bob went out to the nearest hardware store to buy a few cans of spraypainy, then found a dark alley in which to be bad. He sprayed a line in purple on the wall. It felt...good. Then he was arrested.
Bob Spilled Some Milk
One day as Bob ate breakfast, he spilled some milk. He cried and walked away.
Bob Actually Learned Something
One day, rather than being bright and beautiful, the sky in Bob's little wooded country town was dark and gray. There was thunder and lightning all about the air. Bob the lizard, being a very bored fellow, decided to take a walk. He slipped on a rain poncho and stepped outside. It was a humid day, and as Bob strolled along, he couldn't help but notice a large, shiny, silver pole jutting out of the cobblestone road. The young lizard was drawn to the object, and rubbed his hand on the smooth flagpole's surface. He figured that this was the one and only staircase to heaven. So Bob figured that he ought to climb it. In the midst of the shocking storm, Bob grasped the tall metal pole and began to slowly slink upward toward heaven. As he reached the center, a large bolt of lightning struck the pole, sending electricity down to Bob, who was electrocuted. Bob quickly let go of the thing and fell two stories. A passerby quickly summoned an ambulance, which whisked Bob off to a hospital, where they tried to help him, but it was too late. Bob went mental with laughter.
Bob's Really Good Day
Partially out of pity, and partially out of insanity, Bob's boss at McDonald's, named Mickey, decided to promote him to the manager of Drive Thru Window 2. When Bob heard this news, he jumped for joy. Literally. He jumped so high, high, high, he touched the sky, sky, sky, and never came back, back, back till the fourth of July, -ly, -ly. And he needed medical help, help, help because he landed so hard, hard, hard on a pile of cement, -ment, -ment.
THE END, END, END.
Bob Found An Acorn
One day, Bob found an acorn on the ground. He picked it up and put it in his pocket.
Bob's Battle With the Evil Demon Bunnies
Dedicated to Andrew Sylvester's Demon Bunnies
One day, Bob went for a walk in the park. He saw a giant gumdrop shaped like a bunny that was yellow. It had a giant white moustache and two beady orange eyes. Bob thought it looked eveil, but he just shrugged and walked on. As he walked, he heard a boingy 'HOP. HOP. HOP.' behind him. But when he turned around, he saw absolutely nothing. So he shrugged and kept walking. Soon, Bob came across a green gumdrop bunny who also had a white moustache and orange eayes. As Bob continued on, he heard a 'HOP. HOP. HOP.' behind him. He turned around and expected to see someone. And he did. Bob saw a whole army of evil demon bunnies of all the colors of the rainbow. Bob could barely gasp when they hopped to surround him and pummel him with giant jelly beans, which hatched into beby evil demon bunnies. It was traumatizing and it hurt. When the bunnies left, Bob walked away, almost dead. But he didn't die. Bob can't ever die. So there, you evil smelly demon bunnies.
Although it doesn't say so in my notebook, which is the authority on the universe, this story's dedicated to Andrew Sylvester, too, since he inspired me to write this one. On the bus. In the morning. Bus 876.
Bob Meets Legolas
The next day, as Bob lay in his hospital bed waiting to recover, he saw a new bed being wheeled into the room. On top of it was an abnormally tall crature, an elf. The elf had long, blond hair and small, dark open eyes, and he looked totally fine, except for the fact that he was drenched. Bob looked at the poor guy and asked, "What's your problem?" The elf shook his head. "I am Legolas, an elf. They found me in the water...thought I had drowned...picked me up...threw jellybeans at me..." he trailed off. The nurse shook her head. "So sad. He's gone mad," said the ladybug nurse. Bob nodded. "I know. The same thing happened to me," he agreed. "Poor guy," Bob continued as he picked up a pitcher of water and poured it all over Legolas. The elf responded to this by leaping up, drawing a plunger and a bow from his belt, and flung the plunger into Bob's head. "How dare you insult me!" Legolas yelled. It was funny. As Bob tried to remove the plunger from his head, Legolas leaped out the window and immediately screamed. It was funny.
Even though the book doesn't say so, I say that this story's dedicated to Erin...he he.
Bob Learned Something Else
Idea by: Ben White
One day, a skunk popped up out of nowhere and told Bob he had to learn long division, gave him a book on long division, and disappeared. Though Bob was utterly freaked out that this skunk had just turned up in his kitchen and disappeared into thin air, he took the book and began to read. But none of it made any sence because Bob didn't understand the language of math. "I speak English! Not this foreign thing!" he yelled, frustrated at straining his tiny brain. So he put the book down, jumped out the first story window, and jumped off a cliff.
(P.S. Just in case you're wondering, you should know that Bob didn't die because he can't die, and even if he could die, he wouldn't know how to die.)
THE OTHER END.
Bob's Infinitely Bad Day
One day, Bob's boss got totally fed up. So Bob was fired. He cried.
Bob's Infinitely Good Day
Idea by Erin Rogers Emily Bohlen
That same day, as Bob walked down the unpleasant Unemployment Lane, he saw a sign on the sidewalk. This sign said "HELP WANTED AT GEICO. MUST BE A LIZARD." Bob smiled. "I think this may be my lucky day!" Bob said as he sauntered into the Geico building. "I'm gonna be a star!" Bob sang as he followed giant glowing arrows pointing to the audition room. He walked in and asked, "Is this the audition room?" All of the judges nodded, waiting for his performance. "Alrighty then," Bob began. "I'm Bob the Lizard. I like cheese and tea. And guys, I've got good news and bad news for you. The bad news is that I have no car, and that I can't drive. The good news is that I saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico!" As he finished, the judges applauded. One judge smiled at Bob and handed him a contract and a pen. "You're hired," the judge said. Bob signed the contract and went home.
Bob Almost Choked and Died
One day, Bob ate a jellybean. He choked on it and then swallowed it.
Bob Had A Big Allergic Reaction
Idea by Ben White
One day, it rained purpleberries for some unknown reason. Bob walked outside and started to stuff his face with purpleberries. Once he was satisfied, he want inside and threw them up again. Poor Bob.
Bob Is Awesome
Bob is cool Don't dis Bob.
Bob's First Roller Coaster Experience
One day, Bob went to a theme park. He rode a roller coaster. At first, as they went up the first hill, he was excited. Then, as they rode down the first hill, Bob was dreading the ride. As they went into the loop, Bob was flung out of the car and into a lake. He swam onto shore, scarred mentally from the ride.
Bob Decided to Stick to Bumper Cars
That same day, only a few minutes later, Bob decided to stick to the bumper cars. As he began to ride, he was excited about crashing into other vehicles. Then, as a monster truck driver approached him in a tiny bumper car, Bob began to dread the ride. When the car collided with Bob's, he was catapaulted out of his car and into the lake, again.
Bob Decided to Stick to the Carousel
That same day again, Bob pulled himself out of the lake again and decided to stick to the carousel. When the animals began to spin around, Bob was excited. But when the ride began to speed up, it sped ep a whole lot, and the control buttons broke, and Bob was catapaulted off yet another ride and into the lake.
Bob Decided to Go Home
Once Bob had pulled himself out of the lake, he decided to go home. So he did.
Bob's First Geico Thing
One day, Bob did his first Geico commercial. It was mucho fun.
One day, Bob wlked down the street and a giant leech followed him. When he went to the grocery store, the leech followed him. When he went to the CD store, the leech followed him. When he went to the bathroom, the leech followed him. When he went to Cindy's house, the leech followed him, for Pete's sake! So Bob turned around and screamed, "Quit FOLLOWING me, you sick, nasty leech!" So the leech shrugged and kept stalking him. Bob cried and ran home. Then the leech went to the Bermuda Triangle.
There's plenty more where this came from. PLENTY more. Have fun, kiddies. Hehehe. Actually, I'm a kiddy, too. So...yeah. Later.