Chapter 10: If Only…

A/N: Hey… notice: make sure there's a box of tissues beside you with easy access.


"So here's your chocolates. And here's the little pink wool scarf. Oh ho ho ho… what's this? 'Envy: Gucci'… Perfume!? Who the hell bought that?"

"Jay. Shut up." Mads said softly. I could detect an apparent tense strain in her voice.

Jay heard it too. And he became quiet and pushed the shopping bags into Kyle's hands as he reached out for Mads to hold her tightly.

Unconsciously, Kyle and I stepped away from them, to give them the moment to be with each other, for the last time.

Do you know how much it hurts? To say the two words, 'last time'? It was like walking away from a stranded kid, a poor orphan, who was asking you piteously for just one dollar. But actually, it hurt even more deeper than that.

A muted rustle of the bags brought me back to painful reality. I tilted my head up to look at the source of the noise, Kyle.

Head hanging low, he deftly opened the little cardboard box and pulled out a slim glass vial, decorated with pink little interlocking G's and dots. The perfume.

He reached out and tugged at my hand gently. I stepped in cautiously, still wondering what he was doing. But he simply pushed my sleeves up a little bit, shook the little vial, and sprayed a little amount of the perfume onto my wrist. I stood there, silent, confused at his actions.

He did the same to the other wrist. But when he bared the lapels of my shirt to reveal my neck, he paused. His head dipped down to kiss it lightly, before repeating the procedure of spritzing my neck and slowly folding back my collar. He smiled, slowly, sweetly, the smile I had told him last night that always took my breath away. And so it did again without wonder.

Not surprisingly, last night, was the last night I would spend in his bed. The last night we would sleep together. Oh how I hate the word 'last'…

Screwing the cap of the bottle back on and slipping it back into its box, he placed them in my hands while whispering softly so that only I could hear him.

"Remember me whenever you use this. Or every time you smell it. I don't care if you use it only once month. Or once a year. I only want you to think of me when you open it. Please."

And with those final words, he gently pushed me through the open barrier of the metal detectors and turned on his heel to walk away.

The image still burned in my mind. The picture of him walking away with the obvious stoop in his posture, and it hurt, it really hurt, to know that I was the cause of his pain.

Me against the world: So how was the test? Hard? Really hard? Impossible to do?

If you were wondering… which all of you should be… that was the online conversation I was having with the person.

Three guesses to who it was.


Uh-uh. No.


Yeah. Right. Bingo. Whatever.

Frozen in space: Actually, it was easy. It was multiple choice.

Me against the world: Oh shit… I have to go to school now. Wish I could stay and talk… but… I have things to attend to.

Frozen in space: Oh okay. Bye.

Me against the world: Feather, darling… I'm really sorry. Really, really sorry for what I did to you… but what did I do?

Frozen in space: Nothing…

Me against the world:

Me against the world: Whatever it is… I'm sorry. I have to go.

He signed out. And it still feels like the end of the world.


It's been 8 months. 8 months since I've seen him. I know we agreed to meet every big vacation there was, the summer vacation and the winter break. But as it turned out, the Lysons were cheated out of a fair amount of money from a co-worker. It wasn't really that excruciating, but it limited things Kyle could do now. Which includes me. Or to be precise, airplane tickets.

And then, we just found out, that our holidays don't meet. My Christmas break was two weeks before Kyle's. And guess what? My Christmas break lasts only two weeks.

Besides… these days… Kyle seems more… distracted. Nowadays, he asks impersonal questions, such as the one above, and his conversations are always less than 5 sentences long. I know that we still have problems with the time period thing, but when it's evening over there, and it's midnight here, usually we have lots of time to talk about crazy and totally meaningless stuff… but our talks seem to lessen as time flows by…

Sometimes, I don't think I know him anymore…

Does this mean that I'm over-thinking and over-analyzing everything? Am I expecting too much or is it just because I'm disappointed at what I'm getting?

Or is it maybe…

… I can barely get this out…

…is it because… h-he… doesn't l-like m-me anym-more?

Even though I've said this to myself a couple of times already during these past months… it still hurts… I can feel little droplets behind my eyelids…


I really need some sleep…

But the sheets still smell like Envy. Even after 2 weeks.


-3 years later- (Sorry for suddenly skipping it like this…)


As it turned out… Feather and Kyle… they…

…lost contact.

I don't know exactly how, but somehow… both of them never came online anymore…

I can still talk to F in college. We ended up applying for the same place, after all, we're best friends!

God… I think I've lost my perk…

Anyway, the thing is… ironically, Feather never hooked up with anyone in those agonizing 3 years. She kept silent, quiet, and barely talked. She never claimed to like anyone, or gave any signs of getting over Kyle. But then, she never gave any signs of thinking about Kyle too. I didn't want to ask. Feather's a really sensitive person and I don't want to hurt her. It's always been like this. We never talk about serious or awful stuff. I like to avoid. She doesn't want to get hurt.

But what's funny though, was that, when we first came to college in, guess where, San Francisco, who did F bump into?



It turned out to be that the Lysons had divorced. But somewhere in between them was Kyle, who was trying to play peacemaker and prevent the upcoming doom of divorce. But they did anyway… and Kyle was so devastated, he didn't have the heart or the sanity to come online anymore. But luckily, for him, senior year just ended at that time, and he immediately signed in for a college away from home.

And he ended up here.

And of course, he was just like Feather. Moping and sulking all the time. Naturally, they hooked up again when they saw each other at the college's front steps.

Gosh… I envy them…

If only Jay didn't move…

If only we didn't lose touch…

If only I didn't try to avoid him because of the pain…

If only Jay came along with Kyle…

If only Kyle didn't lose touch too…

If only…

If only…

A/N: Told you.

And I'm sorry it ended like this. Hell, I cried too. And I'm the writer!

Anyway, sorry Mads, I guess, that's life. I know. It sucks shit.


Vermillion-dream: Hey thanks for all your reviews. Did a lot to boost up my ego so that I can start writing again. I mean, if I get depressed or pissed off, I can't write. I just don't have my humor left. But like I said, you really helped and thank you.

Property of Hiei: Dontcha love lemons? And yeah, I continued, but sorry I ended it with such a bad note. It's life, I guess.

Cat Meeeow: Oh… I know, Kyle and Feather are absolutely fun to type and write about, but I'm afraid I have to end it. It was getting cheesy.

RoseVampiress: Everyone always wants more, I do too, so I don't blame you. But you can blame me for ending it like that. I know. My fault.

Tinker101: It was a group discussion today. Actually, it was a Socratic seminar thingy or something. And the topic was 'Does love at first sight exist?' And the topic slowly changed to, 'Are the good guys still on the planet?' Boy I like talking nonsense.

PhantomMistress: So happy people like it… But yeah. Thanks. I don't really know what to talk about…

Hey wait!!! I almost forgot…

The End