Your eyes scare me more than anything in the world, because they are the only place where I can totally lose myself. I almost lost myself in them last night when you were saying such wonderful things, filling my heart with hope once again. Hope for us, hope for love, hope for the future…hope that I thought would never return. But last night, it did. Your lips pressed against mine, trying to calm my fears, hush my words, and it worked. Because the second your lips touched mine, I couldn't think. I only felt. When you pulled away, I was spinning. I pressed my cheek to yours and tried to breathe, only to find that I was breathing, I was alive. I felt alive.
I looked at you and you smiled, the smile that I've been so familiar with. It's a crooked smile that comes and goes with your passing moods, but when its here I cherish it. I cherish each little glance, wink, look that you shoot my way that you give me with such beauty. I am in love with you and last night, we finally admitted that fact. I am in love with you. I wouldn't have stayed this long in the shadows waiting if I didn't…and you said it last night as if it were so obvious.
"Why have you stayed around so long?" You asked me, those eyes pushing, probing.
I had smiled, trying to be mysterious and all-powerful and whispered, "You know why. You've always known."
I had meant for it to be a joke, to turn into teasing banter that moved us away from the serious conversation we were rushing towards, but you did know. "Because you love me." It was simple, but your eyes said so much more. My mouth went dry and all I could do was nod. There was no point in denying what was truth. It was the truth, is the truth, and has always been the truth. I do love you. And you finally realized it and the look on your face…the look in your eyes…
This morning I woke up with a pain in my back from sleeping on the couch. I looked over at the bed where you were sleeping and saw that face. Your face. And I smiled, remembering the kisses, the words whispered, the truths told, and the lies banished. I thought of the honesty in your touch and the strength in your heart…and it made me smile. I laid my head back down, wrapping my arms around my middle and smiling. But there were tears in my eyes.
Last night we crossed so many barriers, broke them down with one conversation and you told me to be calm, to not be confused. But I am. I am confused and I am scared. The day went on normally, no more touches; no more kisses…a few scattered smiles and kind words. And then, it was time to say goodbye. Goodbye. Not forever, but for a little bit…I turned to leave, but you pulled me into your arms and held me a little longer than you should have. I felt tears rise in my eyes and you felt me tense, "Don't start that." You whispered and I smiled, you were always trying to keep me tough.
I pulled away and kissed your forehead, standing on my tiptoes and you said, "Be calm."
"I'm always calm." I replied with a cocky smile, and you laughed, knowing that I was just putting on a brave face. You've always known. I turned, slipping out of your arms and slinging my purse on my shoulder. One last look and I stepped out of your room, my head swimming, heart pounding, hands shaking. Because it was one last look at your beautiful face and the ring box that sits on the table, with an engagement ring for another girl.