I figured out that I don't know. How I think or feel. I've finally figured out that no one is ever ever going to help me & I almost can't stand that it is almost too much. I can't think or see or feel; I'm not real. I started crying with voices and words all around me, I can only sleep cocooned in noise. SHE tried to help me SHE tried to comfort me but I could not be comforted. I am not able to be comforted my pain is too exactly concise too sharp & brutal. Time will not dull the blades. Can't shout, can't scream, can't hurt myself there is no way not even tears to get the pain out. I am pain I am nothing but I can't comprehend anything beyond this feeling I am helpless I am hopeless I am an architect they call me a butcher. I don't cut anymore I EAT oh yes I DO doesn't that mean I am cured? SHE says I am wrong. SHE says I'm not fine. SHE makes me promise to TELL SOME ONE. I didn't make HER promise any such thing, I didn't make her do anything even though her pain & fear & torment was so acute I could feel it bubbling all over my body. I was awash in it & she only told me the words. I can't do anything. I need to sleep but there is no security not even among the voices. I am too afraid and SHE WONT UNDERSTAND. How can I make her see the pain as it meanders from my fingertips? Help me, help me I cry and no one listens because I do not exist I am nothing please help me but there are no words. I CAN'T GET MY WORDS OUT. They stay they linger long & clogging things not leave the sticky surface of my mouth & tongue. My mouth is full of bees & I can't breathe, I can't even begin to comprehend breathing, so please please please don't expect anything more from me I can't give it I can't give it, I have NOTHING to give. The very fact of HER knowing torments me every time I see her & although part of me want to hide in HER & beg for comfort & love which I know she cannot even provide more of me is so terribly agonizingly afraid. Don't let them find me out don't let them attack me because I am a true real free thing still sometimes & under the purple emptiness beyond my eyelids I don't expect there to be anything. Locked inside me there is only it SHE says it is EATING AWAY AT ME. I can't cry again I can't ever cry again in front of HER because I can see the WORRY in her face and HER poor bare cold feet on the bathroom tiles as SHE tries to reason with me but I don't listen & I bury my face in her neck & don't EVER want to let go of her, but find myself escaping before SHE even loosens her GRIP. I can't comprehend comfort it is beyond me above me. I can't EVEN concentrate on this although I desperately want to capture the image of HER because even the image of comfort is comforting, although she will not understand, & I, too, cannot understand. She in her elegant black & grey skirt still not changed from mundane classes & her read travesty of a t-shirt rumpled & sweaty under her beautiful grey eyes as we are cocooned in the grimy light of a bathroom mirror & I try to control the contortions my face makes when I cry. She tries to REASON & COMFORT she tries kindness but I am not willing to listen I am not willing to speak. Don't make me try to explain it again, HER with her beautiful curly hair & warmth & curves & painted toenails & sandals in mid winter.
THERE there I try to describe, THERE I try to explain I try to make HER real & alive on the page her beauty her loveliness that she dares to be kind. I FAIL. She won't fit & I can't grasp her & I love her but I can't even speak and I fucking hate this; this moment these thoughts. I am STUPID & VILE. I am FAT & WORTHLESS. Look outside at the red blood dripping off dirty laundry. Look at the stains of blood on my clothes when I am too young to even have heavy menstruation. Look at how stiffly I walk & look at how I can't breathe or even open my mouth. Listen to me cut & cough & self mutilate. Look at me doing anything to forget. You didn't see did you, my parents, my guardians, you turned a BLIND EYE & I shrivelled up & died in front of you. You don't need to know. The MASK clamps down around you & so you don't see. I am smiles & warmth & laughter, & if I'm not it's just toothache. You will NEVER see you will NEVER know & that's the only way it can be. Look at the bright white washing on the blue line hanging there over the concrete yard, across the neat green grass garden, cutting the bloody tiny patch of space in half. Look at how the big white knickers & blouses & nightdresses & bras & trousers & silky black underwear & socks, all your things hanging there heavy with water, & look how the wind billows them out. Look at my blood, look at your daughters blood drip down from them, the blood you bathed in. I LOVE you I LOVE you so much more than a teenager should. I LOVE you & so I can never ever tell you because in my eyes you have been washed clean hanging from the blue washing line hung up by the skeleton of my gran aunt who REALLY did love me loved me so much you were jealous. Look at the way the water runs clear as it drips onto the plants on the brown steps & across the decking in front of our second storey flat. Look at me as I swing from the apple tree in the junk garden next one over in the dusty light of the apple tree the scent of wild garlic so much wild garlic there is no grass. Look at me as I swing without permission from the ropes you would never let me own. I am unsullied save by good sullies. I am independent & strong. All the things that were so WRONG aren't any more & you don't have to worry. Because in front of you my iron MASK is locked so tight I can't even choke in a breath & deprived of oxygen I squeak laughter at you & you believe & LOVE ME. It is so totally NORMAL it is so HAPPY. I'm dying of this excruciating incurable emaciating pain but you are so HAPPY that it is okay. SHE a girl who I think I know inside out but don't know at all she knows ME. SHE knows me A LITTLE. You will never know me at all, mama, as I DIE here in front of you on the faded blue ropes jumped over a wall hide behind the washing line sheets & soar over the wild garlic. Soar & soar over the wild pungent garlic until he tares me off & lies me down in the grass. I was twelve years old when he raped me & I died. I woke up again & tried to crawl back to the wild garlic lair but there was nothing there except for dried brown grass & dusty broken ropes. Instead of hanging myself from them I made a mask out of old tin pots to hide my decaying face & walked out into the sunlight entrapped in stifling stinking heat. I hope you APRRECIATE it mama. Because if I take off this MASK you will cower from the stench pouring out of my blank eye sockets.