Once upon a time, in the land of Wee, lived a biscuit named Bob. Bob was no ordinary biscuit. He was a mix of Pillsbury, Betty Crocker, Jiffy and Bisquick, the last two of which he was not proud. He lived in a mushroom and ate honey and drank dew. Over all, he had a good life. But that was before we join him now. Now he is sitting in a puddle of milk, crying, for he is soggy. You can see him, can you not? Good. Then I shall begin at his birth and then make my way through his life until I get to the point he is at now.
In a little house in the woods (for all good fairy tales begin in little houses in the woods) a maid was cleaning the kitchen when the little children that lived in the house came up to her, asking "Please, Nana, please may we have a treat?". The maid loved the children and smiled as she said "Of course! We'll make special biscuits for both of you!". The children laughed and smiled. They hugged the maid and went off to play. The maid took out all the biscuit mixes she had and mixed them together. Then she put two bits of the mix on a cooking sheet and placed it in the oven.
Bob and his brother Herman were the biscuits. Being of such noble heritage, Bob was rather conceited. "Look at me!" he said to the pan. "I am a noble biscuit of the finest mixes!" "As am I!" said Herman. The pan just waited for the oven to heat up. "Bow to us!" said Herman. "Pay us the due respects!" said Bob, frustrated. "Bow!" he screamed. "If I bow," said the pan, "I will crush you. Anyway, I am looking forward to your demise." "Demise?" asked Bob. "Yes." Said the pan. "First the oven will get very hot-" "Oven?" asked Herman. "Yes." Said the pan. "The thing we are in now." "Oh, this room?" asked Bob. "I think it's rather nice, actually." "Oh, sure." Said the pan. "But soon it will get hotter and hotter and you will get harder and harder until you bake." "Bake?" asked Herman. "Yes." Said the pan. "Then the children will take you and eat you." "Eat me?" asked Bob. "Yes." Said the pan. "Now if you'll excuse me, I'd like to enjoy this trip to the sauna."
Bob was scared. Herman was scared. They didn't want to be eaten. I don't blame them. Herman noticed it was starting to get hot. Bob noticed a small tomato in the corner of the oven. It was wailing and hissing. "Are you alright?" asked Bob. "Aaaaaah!!!" screamed the tomato. Bob leaped from the pan. He landed on the pan rack. He could hear Herman and the pan yelling at him. Should he go back? He looked at the tomato and pressed on. "I'll save you!" he said. The tomato kept screaming. Bob reached it. He pulled the tomato. The two foods flew backwards. The tomato started groaning. It was badly burned. "Let me help you." Said Bob. "No!" said the tomato. "Go through the opening I was stuck in!" Bob went to the opening. It was dark. He looked back to his brother and the tomato. "Just go!" said Herman. Bob jumped into the opening. It was a pipe. He followed it. By this time he was pretty well baked. He kept going and going. It was very dark. He saw a light in the distance. He went faster. He got to the light. It was a thin layer of Jell-O. He burst through. He was in a little town. He looked back. The Jell-O was still there. In front of him were mushrooms and trees. Foods were everywhere. He could feel the sun shining down. He would stay here. Everyone looked friendly.
"A new-comer!" said a pea. Everyone ran to him. They asked him his story. He told them everything. "That was Tom the tomato." Said the pea. "He stays in the oven and gets foods here." "Where is this?" asked Bob. "This is the land of Wee!" Said a carrot, its voice booming. "Where can I stay?" asked Bob. "You can stay in that vacant mushroom!" squeaked a grape. "Hooray!" shouted everyone. "Bob the biscuit is come to the land of Wee!" Bob was very happy. He went over to the mushroom. It was big and pleasant. "I like this mushroom." He said. Everyone cheered again. "I am throwing a party tonight!" said the pea. "In honor of Bob the biscuit!"
Bob went inside the mushroom. There was a little door. Inside was a huge formal living room. There were eighteen rooms in all. The mushroom house was complete with very expensive furniture and chandeliers. He looked out the window in the living room. He could see the foods walking around. He could see the pea as it walked into its milk carton home. "My home is nice." Said Bob. "It fits me well. After all, I am a biscuit of noble character. I deserve a mansion like this one." So Bob hung pictures that he painted and rearranged his furniture until he liked it. When he was done it was 6:00 PM. He went outside and visited the pea in its milk carton. "What time is the party?" asked Bob. "Foods are arriving right now." Said the pea. So that night they partied for hours.
They bobbed for acorns and pinned the tail on the football helmet. They had lots of fun. During the party, Bob and Pea had a conversation. "I hear you left your brother and the tomato in the oven." Said Pea. "Yes, that is true." Said Bob. "Well, I would have taken him with me." said Pea. "I tried," said Bob, "but he said to go. So I went." "I'm sure you did," said Pea, "I'm sure you did." Bob remembered the event. He remembered his brother. And he remembered the Jell-O thing. It was still there. He thought about that all night. When the foods finally left it was 5 in the morning. "I suppose I should leave." Said Bob after everyone left. "Oh, yes." Said the pea. "You have made clear the saying 'Fish and visitors stink after three hours'." "What?!" screamed Bob in a high, shrill voice. "It is a privilege to have me in your house! I will not stand for it, you hear?! I will not stand for it! I am leaving this house and I will never come into your presence again! I hereby decree that no food is ever to enter this soggy milk carton again! You, my sad little friend, will live as a hermit!" and with that he left. He stormed into his mushroom and slammed the door.
To make you feel more as though you are a part of this story I must change my style of writing. So far, I have written from a viewpoint where you can follow Bob wherever he goes. Now I will switch to a viewpoint where you know as much as everyone else about what Bob is doing. Nothing. You have no idea what is happening inside that mushroom. I will make you a character. You are a Cheese-nip. Think about Cheese-nips. Imagine you are a Cheese-nip. Are you imagining it? Good. Then you are walking down a cobblestone road. A carrot slice says to you "Did you go to the party at Pea's house?". You did, and so you answer "Yes." The slice says "I saw that new guy, Bob the biscuit, storm out and hurry to his house. He looked really angry. Do you know why?" You answer "No. I don't have any idea." and the carrot slice walks away. You are curious about Bob so you go to his mushroom. You ring the doorbell. Bob doesn't answer. You knock on his door. "He isn't here." Says a banana slice. "Oh." You reply. You leave. You wonder where Bob is. You hope he isn't still angry at something, but you have no idea what he's angry at. You walk to your Chinese food box. You go inside. You go over to a radio. You turn it on. You hear a food (It's the carrot) say, "Bob the biscuit, the newest citizen of the land of Wee, has mysteriously disappeared. His mushroom has been searched for clues, but the rice police haven't found any signs of him or where he is…" You are very worried about Bob. You talked with him shortly at the party. You had both talked about your homes. Bob had seemed cheerful, then. Maybe he is just playing hide-and-go-seek, you think. But then you realize that Bob seemed too proud to play a game like that.
So this is the mystery: Where is Bob, if he is not at his house or anywhere in town? What was his motive for leaving? This, my friends, is the mystery. And it is a mystery you must solve. So remember the party. Remember everything that has happened up to this point. Do you know where he is? Do you? If you do then I should have made this mystery a little harder. But anyway, you are the Cheese-nip.
"I've got it!" you say to yourself. You run to the Uncle Ben's rice box, which is the police station. You tell the police your theory. They go with you right where you think he is. And, sure enough, there he is! You were right! You heard Pea and Bob talking at the party. You remember how Bob had been hurt by Pea's mocking. You knew Bob would go and save the tomato. So you lead the police right to the pipe and Bob jumps out with Tom the tomato. "I told you, I have work to do!" Tom says. Bob sets Tom down. "I have saved Tom the tomato, and I am proud!" says Bob. Everyone cries "Oh, Bob! We were so worried!" After everyone recovers from the shock, Bob comes up to you. "I actually went back to get my brother Herman," Said Bob, "but he was gone." "That's ok." You say.
So Bob the biscuit proved he was courageous. And that was only his second day. He also did many other things, which I will get to momentarily. Right now we will reflect on the story just told. Bob was hurt when Pea mocked him. He remembered that he could go back to the oven. So he went to prove he was brave. Pea was obviously arrogant, but Bob shouldn't have put his life at risk for no good reason. So they were both wrong. Pea was put in prison for three days under charges for manipulation of a new food. Bob was not punished at all, however. But remember; don't risk your life to save a tomato. It isn't a particularly good idea. And besides, tomatoes aren't usually in need of rescuing. Bob didn't actually rescue the tomato. He just proved he could have saved him.
This story doesn't actually teach any principles of morality, but remember it anyway. It could save a loved one's life. Actually, if you want to get technical, it can't. But tell people it can. It's good publicity. This story may not have made the slightest bit of an impression on your personal life, but I have tried to inflict on you the absolute pain and suffering of Bob the biscuit. If you did feel the absolute pain and suffering of Bob the biscuit, raise your hand. Ha! I cannot see you raise your hand! You fell for my joke! Ha! I have tricked you into thinking that you are actually talking with me. That is because you still think you are a Cheese-nip. I will now change my writing approach again. You are with Bob the biscuit the whole time. Your Cheese-nip character still exists; you just aren't the Cheese-nip character. You are just a kind of spirit, floating everywhere, omnipresent. This is so I can pull you into The Story of Bob the Biscuit. By no means am I saying that you are a god. You are far from being a god. After all, there is only one god: God. You are just there. I cannot explain it. You are probably wishing I would hurry up and make my point so you can learn the next story, since you hunger for more after hearing the first one. And so I shall. Right after I finish this page. I will tell you a few more things. Or ask you a few more things, whichever I choose.
How did you like being a Cheese-nip? I can't imagine you liked it terribly. You didn't actually feel the joy of being a Cheese-nip. But that is all right. I don't particularly care if you liked it or not. I can still go on with The Story of Bob the Biscuit without a response from my readers. You are still reading, aren't you? I hope you are, because if you aren't than there is no one to share my story with. I am approaching the bottom of the page, so I can stop typing a lot of letters without saying anything.