The sequel to "The Story of Bob the Biscuit"
Introduction and Chapter 1
This is a story. A story about a little town called Weeland. You may know some of the characters. You may not. It depends on if you read the first book. Did you? If you didn't, it doesn't really matter. I will let you know a few very important things. First of all, Kiwi is not dead. Second, Bob is Kiwi's enemy. And third, the ants are still being held in custody since when they were arrested with Kiwi. The only thing stopping them is the fact that they are under guard 24 hours a day with a big can of Raid. As you know, ants strongly dislike Raid. So they do not even try to flee from the rice police. Perhaps I neglected to mention that everyone in Weeland is a food. In fact, everyone in the entire land of Wee is a food.
Bob and his brother Herman came to Wee through an oven pipe. They live together in a mushroom. Bob is a lawyer and a musician. He plays an instrument he created himself. He calls it Dewey. Herman runs a store that sells Bob's merchandise, for Bob is the only musician in the land of Wee. Bob and Herman are quite wealthy. They are some of the best-known foods in the land of Wee.
Of course, they don't have any political power, but Herman has some big ideas, like running for mayor. Bob has some small ideas, like building a patio extending out from his back door. Herman doesn't like Bob's ideas. He only wants power. He wasn't always like that. Not until he met Peck, the pecan. Peck is the judge of Weeland. Peck convinced Herman that greed was what kept us going. Now, Bob knew what keeps us going. Food, exercise and plenty of sleep keep us going. But Herman did not know this. He thought that greed keeps us going. So he decided to become a king, and that would have been perfectly fine had he not insisted upon letting the world know this.
He wanted to put up posters that said, "Let Herman be your King!" Now, that did not please the citizens of Wee, but they did not say anything, for they did not want to hurt Herman's feelings. They did, however, ignore the advertisements. They did not want Herman to be king, for if he did a shadow of poverty would fall on Wee. Herman intended to raise taxes to 97. He was not evil, (Well, maybe just a little) but he was very greedy. He would take the very food off of Bob's plate! Bob put up with this for a long time, but after a while he became very hungry and asked Herman to stop. Herman said he did not know Bob was going to eat it. Bob knew in his heart that this was not so, but he did not speak aloud his suspicion.
Now, usually it is wise to keep suspicions to yourself. But not this time, for Herman started saying that he didn't know that stepping on Bob's foot hurt, or that the baby was drinking the bottle when he took it. Bob once considered sending Herman back up the pipe, but quickly dismissed the thought. How could he betray his own brother? He could not do it. So he lived with Herman's cruelty for a very long time.
But one day Herman declared himself king of Bob's mushroom house. Bob, being a conceited biscuit, told Herman to grovel at his feet. Herman did not wish to grovel at his little brother's feet so he declared himself king of Bob as well. Now, Bob did not have a king, so he just sat there staring at his grinning brother. Bob was thinking of a good reason why Herman could not be his king. He thought until one of his butter bubbles burst, but he could not think of a good reason why Herman should not be his king. So he submitted to Herman's rule.
Now this made Herman very gleeful. He was extremely proud of himself. He declared himself king of the paper-boy-pea, the police, the mushrooms, and before you knew it; he was king of Weeland itself. Now, the people did not enjoy paying taxes to Herman in such large quantities, but Herman enjoyed it very much. Now, Bob knew the citizens of Wee were in pain because of Herman's rule, but Bob lived with Herman. Whatever Herman got, Bob got also, so Bob was secretly in favor of Herman's power for quite a while. But Herman soon kicked him out. Bob was not at all happy with Herman, and he let Herman know that by kicking him, too. But several ants came and arrested Bob. Bob was quite confused at the ants' conduct, for they were protecting Herman. Bob asked Herman why and Herman said that they were his secret service. Bob did not like that at all. He was put in jail and given dew and mushroom seeds to eat.
Now, that was better than what most other citizens of Wee had. They had to eat grass, as a cow eats grass, and Herman watched in pleasure. The citizens of Wee could not think of a good reason why Herman should not be their king, and also they didn't want to hurt his feelings, so they just ate the grass.
Bob knew his friends suffered, but could do nothing for them. This was probably a good thing, because if he had tried to help them, he would have been arrested again and sent up the pipe by the ants. Bob did not desire this. The last time someone had gone up the pipe, it had made him shudder.
That is why it is a good thing Bob did not attempt to help the citizens of Wee. Herman was secretly hoping Bob would try to help the citizens of Wee because he knew that Bob had a good heart, under all his conceit. Herman wanted Bob out of the way, because Herman became very evil indeed during his reign. He no longer thought of Bob as a brother, but as a rival. He would do anything to stop the Bob revolt. So Herman decided to do away with Bob once and for all. He ordered Bob to be sent to the Puddles of Despair. Now the Puddles of Despair were sad puddles far from Weeland. They were puddles of milk that were despairing to look at. This was where Bob was to be sent. Bob was helpless. The ants took him there and left. Bob was all alone. He sat down in a puddle. He noticed a wet feeling. He was soggy. He was soggy, so he started to cry. And that is where we meet him now in… Horror in Wee!
Bob wept uncontrollably, which is not an incredibly intelligent thing to do if you are a biscuit and you don't want to get any soggier than you already are. However, Bob was not an incredibly intelligent biscuit, so he continued to cry. He thought about his little friend, the paper-boy-pea, and how he was probably starving and weak. From there, Bob started thinking of how the paper-boy-pea used to deliver his paper, and then about the paper itself. From there, he started thinking about when he used to read the TV Guide, and then he thought about the latest TV Guide he had read in prison. Then he remembered that his favorite show, "Fiddledy Dee," was on right then, and right in the middle of the puddles of despair he laughed out loud.
It was a sound not heard in the puddles of despair for many an age, and out of the gloom came an answering cry. Bob would have perked his ears up, had he had any. He called out, "Hello? Is there a friend out there?" Out of nowhere hopped a little, round, ball-like creature. It was completely green, and the only facial feature it possessed was a pair of all-black eyes. "Hello, little pea," said Bob.
"Skwitchee Witchee Dee!" said the little creature. "Meesa notta pea! Meesa Voopoo!"
"What is a 'Voo-Poo'?" asked Bob.
"Yoosa come wit mee!" chirped the Voopoo. Before Bob could protest, he was led away into the fog.
"This little 'Voo-Poo' is definitely not a food," muttered Bob to himself.
"O nosa! Meesa notta food."
"Then what in Wee are you?" asked Bob.
"No, notta Watin Wee. Watin Jiggy Fee!" This last statement puzzled Bob, partly because he didn't understand it. Well now, I guess it was completely because he didn't understand it, actually. He was curious about this little pea-thing, but more curious as to where he was taking him. All the hopping around was making Bob very soggy and soft. He couldn't go much farther.
"Are we nearly to wherever it is we're going?" he asked.
"Oh, nosa! We gossa long ways to be goin till we be to da Watin."
"And what, may I ask, is the Watin?" asked Bob inquisitively.
"You knows da Watin!" answered the Voopoo.
"I most certainly do not know this Watin." Replied Bob obstinately.
"Evee Voopoo knows da Watin! How you not know da Watin?"
"How can I know the Watin? I've never been here, I've never heard of a Voopoo, and I don't think you know where you're going."
"You jus waitinsee. Da Watin no give yoosa happy hi-hi! Me bets you not even knows him names!"
"Of course I don't know his name! I don't even know what he is!"
"Heesa be da Watin!"
"And what in Wee is the Watin?!"
"No, notta Watin Wee. Watin Jiggy Fee!"
The conversation went on like that for quite a while with Bob never learning anything more of the Watin than that his name might be Jiggy Fee. The Voopoo was not very informative. Bob eventually gave up conversation and began to think to himself. This development was better than if he had sat there becoming soggy, for they had come away from the Puddles and were hopping through misty green hills. He was rather perturbed at the Voopoo's lack of grammatical etiquette, and said as much. To this the Voopoo merely replied that Bob was not making much "goodsense" and that he should hold his biscuit-tongue. Bob was understandably disgruntled at the last comment and muttered many things under his breath that I shall not repeat for you here.
For the rest of the day the two did not partake in much friendly conversation, although Bob did insult the Voopoo, and the Voopoo insulted Bob. Now, Bob could not have known then that insult was a type of everyday smalltalk in Voopoo society, because he had never seen or heard of a Voopoo before. So the Voopoo found Bob quite enjoyable, although I cannot say that Bob felt the same way about the little Voopoo.
When it was nearly dark they made their way over the green hills and out into a meadow. The Voopoo began quickening his pace. Bob asked, "Are we nearing an inn?"
"No, weesa be close to da Watin."
"Ah, so we're nearly there!" exclaimed Bob, thinking of a nice warm bed. "I can't wait to get into a feather bed and re-"
"Yoosa be shuttin up!" whispered the Voopoo sharply. "There's a buncha anty-ants round here! Iffa they be hearin' you, weesa be gettin no beds wit feathers!"
Bob was quite frightened at the mention of ants, as I'm sure you would be too were you in his place. But Bob made a big mistake when he was frightened: he screamed. Now, he didn't let out a little yelp, or even a small cry. Bob SCREAMED. At the top of his lungs and loud enough for Herman to hear an echo of it in his nightmares all the way back in Weeland. The Voopoo was jumping up and down with fright and trying to stop Bob from his awful incessant screaming, but there was little to be done. Then, in a moment of great bravery, the Voopoo leapt into the air and right into Bob's mouth, knocking him to the ground. Bob, having used all of his air already, began to suffocate. The Voopoo tried to free himself, but was firmly held in Bob's biscuit-mouth. It was indeed a panic-stricken moment. Bob finally stopped trying to dislodge the Voopoo and thought of Herman and his friends in Weeland. It was a shame, he thought, a shame. Right as Bob began to black out, the Voopoo was pulled out of his mouth by small, rough hands, and he knew it was the ants.
Herman strutted along the balcony of his mushroom-house, smelling the air. It is mine, he thought, it is all mine! Just then an ant came up behind him. "What should we do with the paper-boy-pea?" it squeaked, "If he's free he'll start a rebellion for sure."
"I don't care; put him in the dungeon," answered the tyrant. "Yes sir!" chirped the ant as it marched inside. What was it about these stupid foods that made them think they could stand up to him and his army? He was the one in charge, the big biscuit! He could have them sent away to the Puddles! Suddenly a wave of shame swept over him as he remembered his brother. It was wrong, he knew, but Bob had been growing more and more unhappy of late. And he was always sneaking off at night. Herman's spies had seen him go to the home of the great wise orange from the far east, the wisest food alive, on several occasions. It was obvious they were planning some sort of peaceful uprising. Well, Herman knew how to deal with peaceful uprisings: smash them to pieces with unnecessary force! Smash them into little tiny pieces with such unimaginable force that-
A voice came from behind: "Herman, Herman, Herman… Why do you rule this land like one in a dream?" Herman spun around at once, ready to fight for his crown. A large figure in a trench coat was standing in the last shadows of morning, smoking a pipe. "Salutations, Herman. I bring word of your army: they have defected, all of them." Herman did not know what to say.
"Who are you?" he gulped.
"I think it will come to you in time," said the trespasser, "but first I would like to talk to you as a father talks to a son." Herman trembled visibly. "I would like to tell you of a plan. It was a beautiful plan, conceived in the minds of two young friends. They both lived in a world full of mindless idiots content to live out their lives wandering about without purpose. But these two friends wanted something more. They wanted to live in a world that loved classical music and rewarded ambition. They wanted to help their fellow foods live life to the fullest. Making speeches, distributing pamphlets, planting ideas in the right minds.
"They were making progress. Or one was, at least. The other wished to stay hidden at their home until, he said, the time was right." Herman cringed. "Then one day the active friend got angry and made a mistake, and was banished. The two had had an agreement to help each other out, and the second friend came to the first's rescue but didn't try very hard. A slip of the rope and his friend was gone. Left to his own devices, he came up with a plan to 'carry on the work' begun by the two of them. Much to his surprise, though, the other friend returned and caused a slight wrinkle in his plans. No matter, he thought. He pretended to help his friend, all the time arranging for his arrest. And once that was taken care of, he continued with his plan.
"You should know this story," continued the figure. The sun was rising and some of his features were becoming visible. Hairy, brown features they were. He suddenly spoke loud and bitterly: "You were that deceptive little 'friend,' Herman! It was you!" as he came out of the shadows and hoisted the biscuit up by the collar of its robe. "And you now know who I am, I think." Horrified, Herman stared up at the speaker's face. He did indeed know who it was, for he saw the face in his nightmares: it was Kiwi.
When Bob came to he was tied to a chair in a dark room. There was no one else around, and he cried for help. Now, as he was most likely not in a friendly place, yelling for help did not do him much good. Nevertheless, call he did, and a little door opened to his right. A small black head popped in and then disappeared. The door was shut and Bob began to weep. He wept for himself and for the little Voopoo. He was still weeping when the door opened again and a light was switched on.
Two ants strode into the room, which Bob could see was completely bare but for his chair in the middle. There was only one door, which the ants came through. It was very tiny, less than half his size. The ants stopped in front of him in military fashion. "I am Colonel Orumov Bites-a-lot," explained the smaller of the two, "and this is Lieutenant Yakov. We are here to question you. As you might have guessed, we are ants and this is an ant hill, and-"
"I demand you release me at once!" exclaimed Bob, suddenly. He had been holding in his anger for several seconds now, and to tell the truth, it was more than he could bear. "I am greater than any ants and I have destroyed many of your armies single-handedly, so let me go before I annihilate this facility!" he screamed in a rather shrill voice. He was quite proud of his display of "might," although it was, he admitted to himself, not very true. In fact he had never fought any ants, but he had once seen a battle where an army of ants was defeated, and it didn't look very difficult.
"So," chuckled the Colonel, "We are the ones in danger of losing our lives?" Bob was beginning to see that his bluff had a less profound effect than he had hoped. "I think perhaps you would like to see how we deal with our enemies. Bring in the Voopoo, Lieutenant." Lieutenant Yakov left the room and re-entered with the little Voopoo. "Perhaps we can have a little talk later," said the Colonel, his antennae curled ominously, "but right now I believe I shall make your stay here as comfortable as possible…"
Lieutenant Yakov approached Bob as the Colonel headed for the door. "Wait!" cried Bob, very much panic-stricken, "I will tell you anything you want to know, although I know little." Colonel Bites-a-lot turned round with a grin(if you have never seen an ant grin, it is not a pretty sight).
"Well, then perhaps we can be a little more friendly..."