Beyond Words

reminiscences

What is love about? Is it the affection that draws you to a certain someone? Is it the sparks that you see in that certain someone? Is it the warm feelings you feel when that certain someone holds you close? Or is it just everything you can imagine?

Those were some of the questions Nicole kept asking herself, she never knew why she always thought about those questions when she already thought she had her 'Mr. Right'. The feelings she felt she had towards that 'Mr. Right' were never that deep, she never thought she had those sparks that people described, yet she felt that he was the one – the one who cheered her up when she was sad, the one who was always willing to listen, the one who had random jokes she'd laugh at.
She always thought he would be there for her even if they never ended up getting together. But they did – she appreciated how he had the same feelings towards her that she did towards him, but she never knew if those true feelings were Love.

Maybe for a young 16 year old, she never expected to feel 'true' love people describe, but she had slight feelings that no one would ever feel 'love'. It was just that feeling that people would say is one of the happiest feelings ever.

She noticed the slightest things about Jon, the Mr. Right in her life. The way he smiled, the way he'd glance up at her, the way he'd hold her close. She liked the attention he'd give her, yet she never knew if he meant it in such a way that actually showed he cared that much about her. She treasured these moments she had with him, every single thing he did – she cherished.

However, he seemed to have mood swings, fluctuating from high moods down to low moods. What was on Jon's mind was a mystery to her but she would listen when he was willing to tell her the problems he had - which wasn't often. Nicole tried to ask about his problems, yet he liked to keep them to himself rather than tell the closest people around him. She respected how he would keep his feelings to himself but also told him she'd be there for him and was always willing to listen. But never did he tell her the reasons for his mood swings.

Nicole knew Jon had feelings for her, but he never seemed to understand that she was a girl that liked attention from him – small things like 'I miss you' written in an email or said on the phone was things she'd treasure and keep. Only that Jon said I miss you in a single email while he was away from home during Term Break.

"I don't get it, Jon. You never seem to care – yet I care so much. Don't you know?" Nicole burst out, that evening.

"I do know. I do care – I do. I really do" was all Jon could say.

"I can't cope with this, Jon; you have your mood swings so regularly now. It hurts me to see you like this. Tell me what's wrong" Nicole begged.

"I can't, not now – I will though. I just need time to think everything over." he replied. "I want some time alone, I'll call you when I get back home alright?"
Nicole nodded, Jon walked over to where she stood and hugged her, kissing the side of her head before walking out of the house.

Hours later Nicole still sat by herself in her room waiting for her phone to ring, yet the phone that was next to her didn't ring. She slowly drifted to her thought-filled sleep. Her chain of thoughts ranging from family matters to the times with her friends to school related work to Jon.

Nicole suddenly got up staring at the phone that rung vigorously on the bedside table. She glanced at the alarm clock that sat next to the phone. "9.09AM" it flashed. Wondering why Jon didn't phone her when he got home. She quickly picked up the phone and a sharp pang of worry went through her.

"Hello?" She answered quickly.

"Hi…Nicole – It's Jenny." The weary voice said, Jenny was Jon's older sister. The popular group leader of the year above, Nicole never got along with Jenny. Even before Nicole and Jon even met, both girls disliked each other.

"Um, is Jon at home? Do you think you could tell him to pick up?" Nicole said, realizing how weird that Jenny phoned.

"He…He's – He's dead." Hurt and guilt went through Nicole. "We found him in the bathroom this morning, he..he.." Muffled sounds of sniffing came from the other side of the phone line.

Nicole hung up, she barely believed Jenny, it was probably some sick joke Jenny was playing on her since they hated each other from the day they met.

Less than 20 minutes later Nicole arrived at Jon's porch, the flashbacks of all the times that they spent their afternoon's doing homework together. Where they hung out drinking hot chocolate while watching the snowmelt during spring. Where they shared their first kiss on a special Sunday afternoon on the exact same porch.

The door opened and Jon's father stood at the door, his eyes red and watery. He held a letter out to her, without saying a word she looked down at the envelope. "Nicole – The one I love" written in Jon's messy hand writing.

"He left that for you." Jon's father said in a small, drained voice. Nicole turned around, water filling her eyes. She sat down on the step where Jon and she would sit almost every Sunday.

She opened the envelope carefully, unfolding the neatly folded piece of paper.

Nicole –

You're the one I've been with for almost 2 years – 1 Year, 11 months and 18 days to be exact. You're the one I've spent most of my time with, You're the only one that seems to see the pain I'm going through. You're the only one I love.

I want you to know…you have been the one who has stuck with me, the one who means so much to me, the one who has changed me to become a better person. When I leave this world, I hope there may be no change in life.

I love you, Nicole

-Jon

Tears trickled down Nicole's cheek. The pain she was going through right now – she knew it was nothing compared anyone could have felt even to what Jon went through. To think that the only person she appreciated that existed was gone – she couldn't bare the fact that he was gone. The only one she truly wanted to be there for her when she needed a shoulder to cry on. The one she would ramble on about anything to. The only one she trust.
She wished she savored the last hug, the last kiss, the last argument; every moment she had with him. She wished she could remember all those feelings she felt with him. But now, he was gone – without explanation.

Nicole would never think she would find out what love was until the one she loved…left.