You know what scares me most about the world? That I don't know anything.
Well, I know things about the world. I know ... I know where Europe is, and I know where China is, and I could probably name the seven seas. You could show me a picture of Istanbul, and I could tell you, "Hey, that's Istanbul." But I've never been there. People say the world's routine, and it's so cool, because each city's a city. But there are so many definitions of cities. If you put me in Istanbul, I wouldn't know where the Hell I was. Matter of fact, I'd probably crawl into fetal position.
Now, that's what scares me about the world, and water scares me a ton, too. I mean, okay, it's cool that man can swim. I can't swim. I can doggy paddle or backfloat or swim underwater. But I can't swim, if you know what I mean. Like, you know, swim.
You-all are probably thinking I'm a psychopathic idiot be now, and you're half-right. I'm psychopathic, but I am not an idiot.
But I don't know--I can't know what's going on in the water because I don't live in the water. I can't breathe in water, and that's what scares me about it. I could die from being in the water.
And then there's flying--was man meant to fly? No; if we were, then we'd have wings. God knew we were gonna come up with the airplane, but it's not a surefire way to get somewhere; look at plane crashes.
If they change the driving age in Virginia like they're planning, then I won't be able to drive till I'm sixteen (with a permit). I'm scared of driving. The idea of me going somewhere in something I'd control that could be hazardous is just ... scary.
I'm scared of tons of animals. I love cats. Not scared of them. But, like, spiders. I'm terrified of spiders. They send me into bloody murder screaming and severe shaking. I don't know about them. I could, but they freak me out too much--especially Black Widow spiders.
If you've been reading this whole story, from chapter one, then you'd know that I have an opinion on everything, and a theory for a lot of things. I need an explanation for everything, or else I create my own. But for some things, I can't come up with anything, so I get scared of what I don't know.
What about death, huh? Rad topic, man. Eew, I sound like a boy. Just kidding. Boys aren't gross. I'm 14. I can handle the fact that they don't have cooties.
See, I am sort of morbid sometimes. I think about death a whole lot. And it's something I know nothing about. Well, I know some things about it from a living person's point of view. When someone else dies, they're normally not connected to me. Like ... some celebrity. I go, "Oh, eh, Bob Hope died. He was a cool guy. I'm sorry for him." And then I walk away.
But when someone I do know dies, it's a big deal. My cat, Pepper died. I was devastated. All I wanted to do all day was lay in bed and cry.
I don't handle death well. Even when my friend, Collin, told me about his friend's death, I choked up and got all teary-eyed, because that's one less person, one less great life lived in this world. I never knew the boy, either.
When a friend from third grade, who turned into a bi--an enemy ... well, she died, and I was sort of alarmed because my friends and I had hated her and wanted her to (as Dana would say, though she never said it about her) fall down a well. But I didn't seem upset, but that night, the night I heard about it, I cried and prayed, because I'd known her, and, okay, she was a bit bitchy, but I never wanted her to die. I cared about her a little.
Well, I'm scared of dying. I'm scared of my loved ones dying. I don't know what's to come after death, but, as normally psychopathic as I seem, I think about it a lot.
I've got a ton of theories. ...
1. There's Heaven, which is Paradise, and I'll be with God, and I'll be all happy because everyone else will be there, too (since I'm young, you know). It'll be awesome--there'll be no problems. I'll see the saints and stuff. Awesome.
2. I know I'm not supposed to believe in this, but I'm open-minded: Reincarnation. We'll all be reincarnated as a different person when we die, in a future time period, or maybe even a past one--building onto the past. I think about this one a ton. It would be so sad if I could never see my friends again. I mean, like, Mallory is one of the best friends I've ever had--she's my sister. And then there's Divya--who's awesomely crazy and I love her for it--as another sister. There's Josh who's "totally normal" and just really fun in a smart sort of way. Eh, Connor's so hyper and so much fun, and hilarious and random, and Hillary is just ... Hillary-cool. And my invisible boyfriend ... he he ... is so sweet and just adorable, and I'd miss him so much if I could never see him again. There're a ton of other people; I just chose not to name everyone. But if reincarnation ever happened, I'd be missing out on missing so many people. And suppose I was a mean, stupid pothead--the opposite of what I am? Or what if I was mentally retarded or handicapped? That's just an infinitely possible theory.
3. Guardian angel theory--I like this one. What if all of the dead people are guardian angels of the people alive. I don't believe in this one. It just sounded cool in my head.
4. Suppose there's an afterlife full of more problems and difficulties and anxiety and stress? And its' hardness depends on how good you were in life. That's what I think of the Egyptian afterlife--so cool. But Egyptians, fear not! For I have no idea what I'm talking about. Well, I do, but ... I don't want to offend you by totally appalling ideas.
5. My final theory is a sad and depressing one. Suppose that when we die, we go to this infinitely large, dark black room and just stay there forever? Just stay put. Just to sit there forever. That thought makes me scared and lonely.
I dunno; death scares me, and I'm not ready to die. If I died tomorrow, I'd be really upset. Well, because I would be sad because I'm so cold when it comes to love. I love so few people. Well, read chapter .. eh, "live like there's no tomorrow," I agree with that and not. You should know that there will be consequences for your actions. Smoke a joint today, have a flashback in ten years. Stuff like that. Get a B on your report card this nine weeks (B's are NOT bad. They're awesome.), miss out on honor roll awards next year. See? Consequences.
But what about love? Like, if you love one person, or nobody, and die tomorrow, then wouldn't you wish you'd told someone you'd loved them? If you, like, had? Like, if I died tomorrow, I'd be pretty upset that I haven't told my invisible boyfriend I love him. Because in a way, I do.
But we've only been going out for a week. Should I love him yet?
However, he's so cute and sweet to him that I think I might.
But am I being too easy? Am I giving myself away too easily?
I don't know. I'm confused about that. When I love him, I'll know. I won't be able to describe it, though, since love is indescribable. It's not something you can really explain. It's there. It's intangible. It's a noun and a verb, but it shouldn't have a definition. Love, amor, is universal.
But anyways, if I died tomorrow, or if I knew when I was going to die, I'd be pretty darn scared and probably wet my pants. Like, you know, fortune tellers? If one of them told me I was going to die from an accident with a spatula while making pancakes, then I'd avoid pancakes and spatulas. I'd have two new phobias. But it'd be destined to happen, you know? Humans make mistakes. We are not invincible.
Napoleon thought he was, though, even though he was (at 5'2") shorter than me as a full-grown man, and I'll tell you, I'm short. Well, he was a man. I never will be. I'll always be a girl or a lady.
Well, 5'4". For a 14-year-old girl, eh, most people call me short. I'm average height, though.
But ... yeah. It's best not to know what's in store for the future, because while we'd know what would happen, we'd know what would happen and try to avoid it, but it'd happen, anyways. Plus, life would be boring.
So, yeah. I went off on a tangent again! Yeah! Right on! Hey, I dunno. Tell me what you think; if I'm off, or whatever. Or if you want to flyswat me with a basketball hoop. I dunno. You tell me.
A/N If anyone read this in the short 30-minute period when it was up while I ate lunch, then you'd realize it was somewhat offensive in parts. I realized that when I actually read it and was embarassed and all, "WHAT WAS I THINKING??" So I changed a few things...such as my tangents on Zack because he's not my bf anymore, but I had some good ideas there. Like, I'm going out with a TOTALLY HOT invisible guy now...yah...But anyways, I also said some pretty stupid things that were somewhat nationalistic...and yeah. It was stupid. So here's the better copy...keep in mind that I wrote this in...March...and now, it's June...