Part 1: The Mandatory Intro
It was a dark and stormy night, and the mome raths outgrabe. There were good times, and there were bad times – but more bad times then good times, unless you were bad, in which case there were more good times. Chris A., our protagonist, was a strong guy with a lot of muscles, but can also move very fast. He could kill a man by looking at them, but never killed because he had morals. Shawn B. was his friend; he could control time, and used this to steal peanuts and chocolate milk. Chris M. was also part of the group; he had a huge sword the size of Kansas, and knew how to wield it (and he wasn't compensating for anything except his lack of accuracy). The last of the group was Tom; he had the power to fail to do everything, no matter how much everyone else wanted him to do it. Together, they were called The Four Guys Who Saved Stuff Because They Like To.
Part 2: The bunnies is coming.
Onward they went to the city of Normal, Ill. Which wasn't normal, it was actually in a state of chaos due to:(!)the evil bunnies of evilness! Long has the city been tortured by these bunnies, but our heroes didn't care – so they walked away.
Part 3: Sacre bleu!
Onward our heroes went to France, the country of the French. Using a squeegee, they overthrew the country and renamed it MegaManLand after much debate. Within, they stole peanuts and chocolate milk, and used it to destroy the Eiffel Tower with impunity. "Ah", said Chris A., "now the French can live in other countries, and make them as annoying as ours!". There was much rejoicing, since the end of France meant the end of violence in the Middle East, and the end of cancer. But the French are not ALL hated, so all the good French moved over to part of Russia, which has enough land anyway. Meanwhile, the evil bunnies of evilness moved on to Louisiana, to steal large quantities of hot sauce and use it to make a doomsday device.
Part 4: I knew it!
Soon our heroes went to Utah, where Osama Bin Ladin was hiding. They beat him up with their powers: Chris A. punched him, Shawn B. froze time and beat him up with 1,456 blows, and Chris M. demonstrated his sword skill by shaving Osama's beard with it from 3 miles away; Tom forgot to come, and he was again useless. Having run out of peanuts, Shawn B. suggested they go to search for them – but, alas! The evil bunnies of evilness' doomsday device was used to destroy all peanuts! "ARGH!!!!" yelled Shawn, and with that everything around him was destroyed – because he was so angry that he froze time and destroyed it all. And so our Heroes (who really aren't "our" heroes, but whatever) headed to the evil lair of the evil bunnies of evilness, which is located in…
Part 5: The bunnies has come
…Maine East High School! Otherwise known as the school of 1,001 idiots. But when they got there, Shawn B. could not enter, because the evil bunnies of evilness have hung up copies of Zelda II at the entrance (this is Shawn B.'s one weakness!). So the other 3 charge into the place with force (except for Tom, who was drunk at the time). But the 2 Chris's were outnumbered!!! Chris M., using his mighty sword (named Nomis), kept pushing them back, but they used their powerful breeding powers to keep coming back! Chris A. threw knifes at them with extreme prejudice, but it was to no avail, since they still could multiply. But they didn't know how to multiply fractions! So Chris M. cut them all in half, and the battle was won. Then Tom charged in with a minigun, but he was too late and was yelled at.
Part 6: Tom strikes again
4nD 50 7h3Yw0n 7h3 b477l3, 4nD 4ll w45 900D. (wH47? 570p 7h3 l3375p34k? 0K). Ahem. And so they won the battle, and all was good, except for the fact that there are no peanuts left in the world. "What to do?" said Chris M., and Chris A. got an idea – Tom could reprogram the doomsday device, bringing back all peanuts in the process. But Tom burned the disc incorrectly, so the team was forced to use complicated hard drive transfers to do it. Once the peanuts were restored, Shawn B. didn't feel like having them anymore, and was yelled at.
Part 7: Thou unmuzzled earth-vexing lewdster!
And so our heroes cometh upon a Renaissance Faire, and were forced to spake in the tongue of Shakespeare. "Forsooth! What be this unholy ritual before mine eyes!" yelled Chris M., for they were reenacting the Renaissance eating of cats ritual thing. Brandishing the mighty Nomis, he smit the evil wretches, and the kitty cats were saved! But, alas, the reflection of Sol in his blade seteth fire to the souvenir boothe, and our heroes groaned in unison, and Chris M. was yelled at.
Just to be fair, Chris A. was yelled at too.
Part 9: The Oracle
After buying burnt souvenirs, our heroes travel onward to see the Oracle of Future Seeing!!! Finding him in the deepest bowels (hehehe) of Lake Titicaca (hehe) they opened his treasure chest (hehehehe) and extracted its booty (ha, "booty"), and then the Oracle attacked!!! Using his über-Häagen-Dazs technique, he made our heroes über-fat. But Shawn B. was one step ahead of him, he froze time for everyone but his friends, and together they exercised until they were of a healthy weight. Then our heroes use the Super-Duper-Combo attack! Chris A. picked up Chris M. and threw him, using Shawn's frozen time to travel super-fast, and Nomis drove himself in the gut of…a fake Oracle! The Oracle has used the clone technique! Using this distraction, the Oracle ran like a ninny, only to trip over an orange peel and fall backwards onto Nomis, yelling "ah, crap" as he died.
Part 10: The IRS equalstheirs
After examining the orange peel, Tom concluded that it was worth millions if sold to a Museum (it was the orange peel used in one of the failed assassination attempts on Hitler). And so they bought nice cars, and video game systems, and inflatable squeaky hammers. The IRS hounded them day and night however, and our heroes became "pissed". So they stormed the IRS headquarters, and stole their peanuts, and cut up their forms # 1243-dc-34! At last they met the "boss" of the IRS, Rich Uncle PennyBags!! (aka RUP). RUP was mighty…mighty weak! And that insult got our team beaten to a pulp by "coin throw" and "throw really sharp-brimmed hat"! When all hope seemed to die, and our heroes accepted their grisly fate…Tom arrived! Using his Colt 1911 handgun, he shot RUP in the shin, and thus killed him, as this was RUP's weak point (and, ironically, also the place he kept his wallet). The narrator (me) was the one that got them beat up, so he was yelled at.
Part 11: Interlude
INTERLUDE! (Hum whatever music you like here)
Part 12: The Maker of Much Magic Ammunition
Amazed that Tom actually came, the heroes rejoiced, and danced an Irish jig. However, Tom's gun was out of bullets, so they begin on a great quest to find the one and only Maker of Much Magic Ammunition! (aka MOMMA). MOMMA can only be found in the deepest, darkest dungeon in all the land: The Deep, Dark Dungeon (aka DDD). And so they went, fighting the evil monsters along the way. In there, they found out that the Maker of Much Magic Ammunition has changed his name to the Yelled-At Maker of Much Magic Ammunition, (aka, YA MOMMA) and so they searched for YA MOMMA! They finally reached his lair, which was protected by a very powerful monster called…DARK TOM! This Tom was the opposite of our Tom, for everything he did was successful! Our heroes demanded to see YA MOMMA, but Dark Tom said, "YA MOMMA's so stupid he tripped over a cordless phone!" Our heroes had a strange feeling that this was an insult to them, but they ignored it. "You will die! Penguin, Penguin", said Shawn B., and they fought. But Dark Tom beat Shawn, because Dark Tom was always successful. One by one our heroes were defeated, but Tom had an idea! He asked his teammates to have a want for him to lose, when they did that, Tom failed to lose, and instead won. (But he was yelled at, because our heroes wanted him to lose). With Dark Tom defeated, our heroes get the bullets, only to figure out the reason YA MOMMA was yelled at: his bullets sucked.
Part 13: The Bullet Monk
After extracting information from YA MOMMA, our heroes figured out where they can get bullets: from the Bullet Monk on the top of Mt. Yama! And so they climbed, by using rocks frozen in time to form steps – because they're lazy. Finally they reached the top, and there sat…the Bullet Monk! He is the world's leading expert on all ammunition, even though he never touched a gun in his life. "Oh, great Bullet Monk", said Tom, "can you make us some bullets, so that we may shoot stuff and be merry?" The monk replied with this, "Only if you challenge me in a game of skill and smarts, if you win, I give you an awesome bullet-making technique. BUT, if you lose, you must hand over your LARGE COLLECTION OF FIREARMS to me!" "Wait", said Tom, "how the hell did you know I had a gun collection?" The monk replied, "Because it's written on your t-shirt, you idiot!" And, alas, his shirt did proclaim. "I got a gun collection. Mine's bigger!" And with that they began the game of skill and smarts: Counter Strike™! They used mighty PCs, with 2 gigs of ram, and 512 MB video cards! Long into the night, they shot at each other (virtually), but Tom came out ahead with his m4d ski11Z! "I am beaten", said the Bullet Monk, and he gave Tom an awesome skill: the ability to make bullets – out of peanuts! But, alas! Again the peanuts were gone, due to (!): the sinister pigeons of sinisterness! (Which isn't a word!).
Part 14: Super Ninja Pigeons!
After much research on the internet (internets in Texas), our heroes travel to Japan, to find the sinister pigeons of sinisterness! And they found their lair – which was deep inside the sewers of Tokyo. Each hero brought his own snack as well: Chris A. brought cheetos, Chris M. brought tacos, Tom brought liver 'n' onions, and Shawn brought Peanu125 (the peanut substitute). Munching along, they encounter many traps! First, they pass the famed Bear Trap, which they had to be stupid to fall for, but Chris A. fell for it anyway, and now limps along. Then they encountered the poison dart trap, which Tom fell for (and he now acts drunk). Then they encountered the speed trap, which Chris M. fell for and got a ticket. Then there was the "Copy of Lunar under a box" trap, which Shawn B. couldn't help but fall for, and he stayed under the box playing Lunar until he finished (in 3 minutes). Then they finally get to the hideout of the sinister pigeons of sinisterness! When they barged in, they found the pigeons in ninja gear! Then they fought, with a super-cool Japanese fighting song in the background – which went like this:
Watashitachi ha tatakai no 4 sai deari , pepa kirikuchi noyouna anaguma oyobi sashi Kizu noyouni watashitachi wo korosu tatakau 4 sai dearu. shikashi hinpan ni toki Watashitachi haaru YELLED AT. BUT WE DO SMITING ANYWAYS!
YEAH, ooku no sonshou wosurunonianatano tsuyosa wo shiyoushi nasai! soshitesorera Kizu no sekai ni oka rete! soshite shoutotsu nureta poteto no fukuro tonosorera!
Watashitachi ha chizu wotakusan konomu. IT TASTE REAL GOOD! watashitachi no eigo oyobi nihongo ha ryouhou takusan suu. BUT US SINGS THIS ANYWAY!
YEAH, ooku no sonshou wosurunonianatano gijutsu wo shiyoushi nasai! soshitesorera Kizu no sekai ni oka rete! soshite shoutotsu sorera kapetto no uede koroga ru!
HEY! Tatakai no utawo ima utai nasai!
And the song was catchy, even though none of our heroes understood it at all (This is like must Japanese songs). And the fight was just as good, and I will describe it in detail! Chris A. hit first, with his "FIST OF DEATHNESS" – his hatred for birds gave him extra damage! Then went Chris M., who used his sword to level the entire city, and do massive damage to the sinister pigeons of sinisterness. (Godzilla later sued, since he reserved the city for destroying that particular day.) Shawn B. used the "?" attack, so called because no one knows what the hell the attack does. Then Chris A. again…(5 pages edited out for the sake of brevity)…Yes, it was a great battle.
Part 15: What the FAQ?
It is time for our famous FAQ! Our first and only FAQ in his "novel".
Q: Is Nomis REALLY the size of Kansas?
A: uhhhh…NEXT QUESTION!
Q: No, really
A: I think I heard something, must be the wind
Q: If Dark Tom succeeds in everything, how did he lose in Part 12?
A: Because Tom's power to fail is greater than Dark Tom's power to succeed, duh!
Q: I'm offended
A: Screw you; this story isn't to be taken seriously. Besides, that isn't a question.
Q: What the lyrics to the Japanese Fight Song?
A: Those will be released at a later date – unless you know a Japanese person.
Q: Ninja PIGEONS?!
A: Yes. I am insane.
Q: What does the "?" attack do?
A: You tell me.
Q: How the heck did they get from Illinois to France in one chapter?
A: Shawn's time freezing, and a small boat that named "Nosinc"
Q: Why do you have "parts" instead of chapters?
A: Tradition. It started that way, and it will end that way.
Part 16: To continue, then…
Having defeated the sinister pigeons of sinisterness, and having restored peanuts to the earth, our heroes stop at a hotel (so they can sleep, and Tom can make bullets). The hotel they stayed at was expensive: it had complimentary mints, and laptops in the rooms with Internet access, and even robotic slaves. Needless to say, Tom played Counterstrike™ all night against the Bullet Monk. (So I won't say it. Wait. I did. Oh well.) "Hey", said Chris A., "let's look for something rare, so we have something to do". The rest agreed; "But what is rare enough for heroes as sexy as us to look for?" they wondered. After some research on the Internets, they found the perfect item: THE PANTS OF TIME! These rare pants would enable Shawn B. to control time without having to consume large amounts of chocolate milk; they were located in the most mysterious place in the universe: THE IMPOSSIBLE CASTLE! And so, after jacking, er, packing many towels and little hotel shampoos, they set out for Scotland to find The Impossible Castle.
Part 17: The Impossible Castle, Segment 1
The Impossible Castle was located in a backwards part of Scotland named Tlik, so our heroes head there to ask the natives for directions to the Castle. "Hey, where is the castle?", asked Chris A. of a particularly backwards native, "wonk t'nod I", replied he. "What?"
"!wonk t'nod I, dias I"
"What's your name?"
"Man, I can't understand these guys, let go find it ourselves!"
And they trudged though the deepest swamps, climbed the highest hills, and ate the biggest cheeseburgers. But they could not find The Impossible Castle. "Wait", said Tom, "It's the Impossible Castle, right? So where is the most impossible place for it to be?"
"Up your butt and around the corner!" snapped the tired Chris M. And, alas, it was true, for when Tom evacuated his bowels the Castle appeared!!! "Ewwww, I ain't going in there!" said Chris A., but they already made their decision, so they were forced to go ahead.
Part 18: The Impossible Castle, segment 2
After bribing the FCC to not censor the last chapter, our heroes try to enter the Castle, but they cannot, because it had no door! "What's the most impossible way to get in, then?" inquired Tom. "Why don't we scream 'penguin, penguin'? That should let us in" suggested Shawn B. And so they did. And, lo and behold…it didn't work. So they used plan B! Chris A. used his skill in woodwork to fashion a door, which was then duct-taped to the Castle wall. When it was opened, the inside of the Impossible Castle was seen beyond its frame! And so they gained entry to the castle; and so I say "and so" yet again.
Part 19: The Impossible Castle, segment 3
The Impossible Castle was quite impossible inside, so our heroes had a hard time making sense of things (except for Tom, who suffered a relapse of the poison dart effects). For one thing, it was really, really, really dark. "Well, what impossible thing do we do this time?" said Shawn B., and he screamed "PENGUIN! PENGUIN!" futilely. Then Chris M. had an idea! "If something is really, really dark we wash it, so let's try that!" said Chris M., and so, using the little hotel shampoos they stole, er, borrowed, they washed the darkness away and were again able to see. What they saw burned their eyes like a million suns, for what they saw was edited for content and it was horribly horrible. So, covering their eyes, they stepped into the next room…where an evil monster lurked. A monster so evil, so vile, and so deadly, that it can only be called (!) Bob. When it saw our heroes, it used the wirklich-wirklich-langer-Namensangriff-der-ein-wirklich-langes- Namens-hat-und-solche-Sachen attack, which did much damage (calculated by the formula fp(fp/2), with "f" being how fast he can say the attack's name, and "p" being the number of people he is attacking). Chris A., fortunately, had a counter-attack, which, unfortunately, missed and hit Tom instead. And so Chris A. was yelled at. Then Shawn B. used the attack that he only uses in desperation, the attack called "Penguin, Penguin"! After saying the sacred penguin chant, approximately 16,447 penguins attacked with their ice slide attack! This totally destroyed Bob, to be quite honest. And so they finally reached the last room, where the guardian of the pants of time was to be found.
Part 20: The Pants of Time
The guardian showed himself and said, "I am the guardian of the PANTS OF TIME! I am called Mr. Enigma, but you may call me Mr. E!" And they fought (and the Japanese Fight Song was played again – since we are too cheap to make a new one). Our heroes used the combo called the "Doom Dance"! Chris A. did the Charleston, Chris M. did the robot, Shawn B. did break dancing, and Tom did the drunken sailor's dance. But this super-combo was to no avail. "HAHAHAHA, You can only defeat me by singing a catchy song about yourselves! Crap, did I say that out loud?" said Mr. E. And so our heroes tuned their voices to a whistle and song their official song, which goes like this (sung to the tune of the Maine East fight song):
And when the fearsome four join in the fray
They're gonna kick your frickin' ass today
So why don't you give us all a beer
So we can really get our asses into gear
And then we'll SMITE, SMITE, SMITE like heroes will,
And we won't give up the fight until
We smited every single one (oh, what fun!)
We Smite Things!
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, you bastards!" yelled Mr. E, and he was defeated. And inside a treasure refrigerator, they found the PANTS OF TIME. Shawn B. put them on, and received the power of chocolate milk independence! He also received a super-special attack, called the "!" attack, which makes enemies so excited that they piss themselves and get embarrassed, and run away. And thus we go into our final (and longest) chapter…
Part 21: The Final (and Longest) Chapter
(WARNING: Before reading his chapter, eat and go to the bathroom, so that you won't have to do it during the chapter – which is super-exciting!)
Once the PANTS OF TIME were taken, the Impossible Castle started to crumble (upwards), and our heroes had to run on the walls to get out through a porthole on the wall. And so their mission was successful…but now they have more problems. While they were in the castle, the evil bunnies of evilness, the French, Osama Bin Ladin, the Renaissance Fair cat-eaters, the Oracle of Future Seeing, Dark Tom, RUP, and the sinister pigeons of sinisterness came together to form the giant mecha enemy known as: The Evil, Sinister, French Osama RUP Oracle Pigeons of Darkness and Future-Seeing and Cat-Eating and Destroying peanuts! But that name is too damn long, so we will call them the Final Boss. But our heroes haven't figured this out yet, so they went to Las Vegas for a long time. Chris A. won $200, Chris M. won $2,000,000, Shawn B. won a stuffed penguin, and Tom lost everything (but Tom stole that money to begin with). The Final Boss invaded Las Vegas after they left, so they didn't see it. Then Shawn B. entered a fighting contest in L.A. (the others went to E3). I will describe the battle in detail (and hopefully it won't be edited out!). Shawn B.'s only important enemy was in the finals, where he fought the (!) Backwards Scotsman!!!!!!! "eissal, ssa ruoy kcik ll'I", said the Backwards Scotsman, and they fought. Shawn started out with his "&" attack, which made a clone of him to fight alongside him. Then we used his "$" and "" techniques to buff himself up. Then he used his "!" attack! But it didn't work the Backwards Scotsman! OH NO! The Scotsman then attacked with his "Loch Ness Pile driver!", but Shawn countered with his famous "" attack, which stops the Backwards Scotsman's attack in its tracks! But the Backwards Scotsman has a trick up his sleeve, and he uses it to beat up Shawn to a pulp. In a final act of desperation, Shawn uses his "?" attack, combined with the "(", ")", "", and "#" attacks. The Backwards Scotsman couldn't stand this string of "shift key" attacks! So Shawn B. used this to his advantage, and smited the Backwards Scotsman with a sword he found in the Impossible Castle. And the Backwards Scotsman yelled out "TIHS" and died. (Which was against the rules, so he was kicked out for dieing). Shawn won a brand new car, and a lifetime's supply of chocolate milk (which he didn't need). Chris A., Chris M., and Tom had a great time at E3, and they were full of caffeine and their trench coats were full of videogames (which WEREN'T stolen). Then they heard a voice whisper to them:
Help us! Help us! Or we'll kill you!
"Huh?!" said the group in unison."Er, that just slipped out, sorry. AHEM." Help us! The Final Boss is attacking us with extreme prejudice!
"We must go!" said Chris A., "but only after we go to the bathroom!"
"Yes! The bathroom!"
And so the team relieved themselves, and were about to leave when Chris M. said, "Hey, wait, we don't know WHO they are, WHERE they are, or whether or not we WANT to help them anyway!" Shawn B. then reunited with them and asked if they heard a strange voice too. And of course they did. And they had a long debate:
CA: "Well, we help people, it is what we must do"
CM: "No, we just do it because we like to! Refer to Part 1!"
SB: "Any chance to smite stuff must be taken"
CM: "What if it's a PRANK ghostly whisper?"
T: "How can you do a prank ghostly whisper?"
CM: "I dunno, use a ghostly whisper machine?"
T: "I like MGS"
CA & CM & SB: "Who cares?!"
T: "I do…"
CA: "Ok, we go, because I say so!"
CM: "Who died and made you king?!"
CA: "I'm the leader here!"
SB: "The story never said that"
CA: "Screw the story!"
CM & SB & T: gasp!
CA: "Sorry, I didn't mean it"
SB: "My sword says we go too, it wants blood!"
CM: "Only MY sword can talk, isn't that right, Nomis?"
T: "I also like Dreamcast"
(Tom was then yelled at)
T: "Actually, what I meant to say was that I tracked the ghostly whisper to Chicago, where they are being attacked by the Final Boss, who wants to get rid of videogames and fresh air."
CA & CM & SB: "Why the $#& didn't you say that sooner??!!"
T: "I was drunk…"
SB: "Hey! That swear word is covered up by my attack names!"
And so they headed to Chicago, where the Final Boss was attacking whomever the hell did the ghostly whisper.
(And NO, the chapter is not over yet, so sit tight. NO, I don't care if you need to pee, keep reading! You mustn't stop for anything until you are done!) They finally arrive the Final Boss, which was quite ugly. It stood 300 feet all, and was 70 feet wide, and it STILL wasn't quite as big as Nomis. They fought like mad in an epic battle, which was epic, hence the name "Epic Battle" was assigned to it. Chris A. struck first, by throwing stones at Final Boss with super-strength! Then came Shawn B., whose "!" attack failed again, so he yelled at his PANTS OF TIME. Chris M. was charging for the final attack the whole battle, by the way. Tom took out his large gun collection, reloaded every single gun, and started firing at Final Boss like mad; which was pretty cool, since he actually hit some of the time. Shawn B. then used his "" technique, which increased his power exponentially. Chris A. then used his favorite attack – COPYRIGHT infringement! With this attack, he infringed Omni-slash, Ultima, and the Beatle's first album, and he did great damage. Chris M. was still charging. Then Final Boss attacked with the 2nd most powerful attack in this story, this own version of the "?" attack! And Shawn B. cursed his name, screaming, "That's my attack, you bastard!" And our heroes were almost killed by that attack. But Tom gave Chris M. time to finally charge up his attack, by sacrificing his only family heirloom, the Gem of Unreliability. (Which was what made him so unreliable). And Chris M.'s attack was charged, and he released it!!! AND NOMIS FELL FROM THE SKY WITH GREAT FORCE AND EXTREME PREJUDICE!!! It fell on Final Boss, which yelled with fury to the heavens, "WHY? I'LL HATE YOU FOREVER, The Four Guys Who Saved Stuff Because They Like To!!!" And Final Boss was finally dead, and everyone in the world (except some of the French) rejoiced! Peace reigned over the world for the rest of time, and all were happy.
And thus ends the story of The Four Guys Who Saved Stuff Because They Like To. Their journey was long and perilous, but in the end they were victorious.
Chris A. moved on to star in action movies under the name Chris A. the Mighty.
Chris M. and his sword Nomis wrote and starred in an award-winning Broadway musical.
Shawn B. Moved to the Penguin Sanctuary in Antarctica, where he socializes with the birds and smiths the greatest swords in the land.
And Tom became the spokesperson for Counterstrike™ and makes world-famous mods for the game. (And he is now actually reliable)THE END