O Moolah.

Winning the lottery for most people is an oft-visited dream. Me,I prefer dreams featuring dancing spoons. But we're not talking about me. We're talking about you all. You sick, sick puppies. SPOON.

Anyway. Continuing my trend of starting doomed-from-the-start series',I hatched the idea of spreading my rather useless opinions on the subject of spending a quite bottomless supply of money. Think about it - if you had billions of dollars - virtually the power to go out and do any given thing on any given day (Within reason. No drowning toddlers.), what would you do?

Starting today, and continuing in athree part series over the next two weeks, you'll find out the various thingsI personally would do with the money. This doesnt always mean spending it. And that is howI would like to open up the first idea in the first chapter of this wonderous series. Origami.

Origami:

The thing you have to remember about origami, is that it has two i's in it. A few other words that have two i's are Indigo, Silicon, and Team. For those who say there is no I in Team, you are wrong. One is hidden in the curve of the M, and the other is behind the T. Anyway, this is all irrelevant, since i'm going to talk about the actual active side of origami, as opposed to its literary roots.

For those would don't know, Origami is an old art form perfected by Japanese people in some form, made my folding paper. Like when people make swans out of paper. This is origami. Origami is a very popular art form these days, mostly used as decorative pieces, often in resturants and catering services and the like. Origami is deliberatly vague, giving only the impression of the physical form of something, with little detail, although some do like to add it. If you make an origami swan, and it looks like a swan made out of paper, then it is probably an origami swan. If it looks quite like a real swan, more than likely you've just captured a swan. Although this is impressive, it won't win you any brownie points in origami-world.

Now, back to my original point, which was that i like cheese.

No, it was that if i were to have a large amount of money, i would use it to make origami. This is really not very interesting, which is why i used all the ridiculously implausible crap above to fill some extra space. Also, this part of the article makes the lacklustre next part look like the finest journalism in the land.

Now, onto the next part.

Saxon's Fantastic House Of Lego:

Yes. Lego. Those little plastic bricks of joy. I never was very good at construction, but lego taught me you didnt need qualifications to build stable structures. You just need a whole crapload of wierd-looking synthetic knobbly things that click together.

Obviously, you would need to spend ten of thousands of dollars getting enough lego to build a city.

Imagine this: A house, made entirely out of blue lego bricks. White lego picket fences. Tiny little lego men wandering the beautiful lego-grass streets, down a grey lego-brick pavement. In the distance, a little lego dog barks. Wind blows through the peaceful lego town. Then some little fucktard four-year old comes and kicks your city down. Because that's what four-year olds do. Fuck with your lego. Maybe drowning them is okay after all.

Papier Maché:

I would very much like to get a large, pointy stick. then, i would make a simple glue out of flour and water. Next i would soak my money in this glue. Then, i would stick it to my stick. It would form a hard shell. The next day, do the same, except only apply it to the top 4/5th of the stick. Then next day, only the top 3/5th, and so on. Eventually, you would have a giant money bat with a pointy part poking out at the end.

Next, with your newly-built weapon, (i like to call it the "Irony-stick-object-of-severe-doom!"TM) go out and start bashing poor and/or homeless people around the face and arms, and poking their eyes with the pointy part of the stick. Tell them "It's for their own good", and that "If Big Daddy can't have the documents, no-one can". Simple pleasures, really.

Next Part coming soon, or not at all. We'll see, won't we.