Juliet, Juliet, JULIET. AARGH...Do I have to fix ALL of your mistakes?

We're reading Romeo and Juliet in English class. Well, duh. Most people read it in English class and not in their spare time.

Well, it's a tragedy, right? I mean, two star-crossed lovers fall in love and die for one another. That's sad, right? So sweet! SO SWEET! Not!

Let's think about it all logically...

Romeo is a guy. A fourteen-year-old blooming guy.

That should say everything. But of course, it doesn't. So let me explain in further detail...

OKAY. Romeo was a fourteen-year-old guy at the beginning of the play. A teenager. But when the play started, he had just broken up with his girlfriend, Rosaline. A Capulet. Right? Yes. On the surface, that seems fine and dandy. I mean, she was a Capulet and Romeo was a Montague. It could never have worked out. Plus, they were both teenagers. Do teenagers' relationships last very long? Rarely.

Breakups are tough. DEAL.

But why did they break up?

Now, let's think logically. Romeo was a Montague and Rosaline was a Capulet. That seems like the answer: It was too hard for them to date in secret. But think. I mean, think. Romeo was a teenaged guy. No offense to teenaged guys; this is a stereotype and I'll confront it when I get to it...

But what does the stereotypical teenaged guy want?

He wants a girl. He wants a girl. More specifically, he wants ... how to put it? He wants to get laid. And that's just what Romeo the pig wanted from Rosaline. But she denied him, and that ended their relationship. GO ROSALINE!!!

Seriously, he was a pig. And he was depressed that she denied him; he was so COCKY and sure of himself that he thought she was just gonna open the garden gate and let him right in...take him by the hand and how him inside. But she DIDN'T because Rosaline was a MUCH smarter girl than Juliet!

Well, that's the whole reason why Romeo went to the ball: To lust after other girls because he was so lust-hungry. That pig said he loved Rosaline one morning, and that VERY NIGHT, he went to a ball to lust after other girls. Actually, his intention was to catch sight of the fair Rosaline and lust after her. But then he saw Juliet.

Juliet had no intention, whatsoever, of marrying Paris. If you watch the ... the, uh ... 1960/1970 version of Romeo and Juliet, you'll see Juliet, this beautiful, skinny young teenager (actually, skinniness was never "in" way back when; it pretty much showed that you couldn't get enough food to be fat. Think Louis XVI...I always picture Juliet as a chubby but beautiful girl...I wish the world was still like that, but then I'd be "out.") and then Paris was this UGLY OLD MAN. No, well, he wasn't really ugly; in fact, he might've been handsome in his youth, but Juliet was only thirteen, and this guy had to be at least fifty years old. So Paris wasn't even hot. If I were Juliet, or even MYSELF, I wouldn't want to marry a guy who could be my father. Ten years older than me...it would pretend how sweet he was...but I would not go for someone 40 years older than me. PLUS, everyone kept saying that Paris was a man of wax. HE WAS NOT HOT. HE WAS NOT A MAN OF WAX BY ANY MEANS. I pictured Paris as some hot guy maybe five years older than Juliet. Nothing wrong with that. THE PERFECT GUY. But Juliet wanted a bad boy.

Well, at that little courtier's ball for Juliet, Romeo approached her and kissed her within five minutes of meeting her and was SURE he loved her. HOW FICKLE IS THAT, DAG, YO?!?!?!?! It took me about ... two weeks to kiss my boyfriend. ON THE CHEEK. They kissed full-on LIP TO LIP, MAN! How fickle!

And then, later that night, Romeo pledged his whole HEART to Juliet. He'd made out with her twice, sure. But does he love her, her kisses, or the thought of getting laid eventually because she's soooo easy? HEY, she IS! Any self-respecting girl would WAIT at LEAST a few days before a kiss. And she shouldn't kiss him right away; she hasn't even KNOWN him for twelve HOURS! And then she asks him to propose...BASICALLY she just proposed to him. How sweet...not! She wants to get laid, too! She wants to be in love, too! but is she? NO! And neither is Romeo! They're not in love! WARNING: RED FLAG!

Look, I believe in love at first sight. But you know what? No. they don't love each other; Romeo's just on the rebound! And Juliet's just plain DUMB.

Then there's all this nonsense about Juliet not really caring when Tybalt dies. COME ON! HE'S YOUR COUSIN!! I don't love some of my cousins; I'll admit it. But if they DIED, I'd be REALLY SAD! And she's a girl. Well, I am, too, but wouldn't that make her so grieveously upset that she'd die and be all, "WOE IS ME!" like all those dramatic girls in movies???

I don't buy it. I bet Tybalt faked dead, and Mercutio, too, and they're over up in the prince's attic playing poker, laughing because they fooled everyone; they had been gay lovers for a long time and had to fake their deaths just to be together. And if you watch the 1960/1970 one, you'll see what I mean. Seriously, men in tights, for one thing. And another, the way Mercutio and Romeo get along...there's GOT to be something going on...Romeo held Mercutio's face a million times and whispered to him. And Mercutio's nuts. And Tybalt...you could just see the stars in his eyes when he looked at Mercutio. They had a few good laughs together.

Now what? Oh, and then when Romeo killed Tybalt, he didn't get a speech. That was NOT FAIR. How come the good guy always gets a speech? I think it was unfair to deny Mercutio's secret lover a speech.

Then Romeo got exiled...yaddayaddayadda. See, what I don't get about that is that he thinks it's worse than death to be exiled. AND I ALMOST LOVED YOU. I ALMOST WISH YOU WOULD'VE LOVED ME, TOO. 't help it--one of my favorite songs, no matter how perverted at the beginning. ANYWAYS--hey, it kind of fits. BUT THAT'S BESIDE THE POINT. Romeo almost committed sucide over it. GOSH. Can't he jjust understand that exile is, by no means, worse than death? I mean, he could still see Juliet. And Juliet would kill herself, too, if he died. Stupid...it's all stupid...THEY'RE NOT EVEN IN LOVE! And Leo played a pretty sucky Romeo. I mean, he did well in Catch Me If You Can; I'll grant him that. But first off, he's pretty ugly. I mean, no offense. I'm a girl...a STRAIGHT girl...but I've never really seen what's so great about him...I mean, if anything, his hair's just TERRIBLE because it's all straight and long. Either do the skater hair (like Liam Aiken, but he's only 15... :P ...I'm 14...I HAVE A LOVELY BOYFRIEND) or cut it short and spike it! DUH! His hair's a real turn-off. Maybe he should be bald like the guy who plays Lex Luther on Smallville. But then, his face is NOTHING SPECIAL, either. I mean, really...no offense! And I should not be talking! But everyone says he's so hot. Him and Orlando Bloom...but Orlando IS hot. Just maybe not in Ned Kelly. A young Orlando would've made a GREAT Romeo. Girls would drool. As long as he was not wearing the Legolas wig...I would've been laughing my arm off...not my ass, because I don't feel like it. But then there's DiCaprio's acting...which is sucky. He can't ACT! It sounds like he's reading off the lines, and he's not enthusiastic enough--at least not in Romeo and Juliet. BLEGH!

That's beside the point, though. I KNOW Romeo's not the average guy--he's a stereotype. From the guys I know, I can tell they don't just want to get laid, so guys, don't be offended when I talk about the stereotype of a guy because it's not always accurate. Some guy called me a slut and my friends all laughed their heads off when I told them because I am not one...I'm like, a band geek.

Well...OFF TO READ ACT 5!!! I'll update this once I read it...but for now, this is my opinion, and I don't think one measely little act will change my mind.