This story is for entertainment purposes only and is not intended for sale. It may be freely distributed providing that no alterations to the story are made.
The characters and incidents portrayed and the names in this story used herein are fictitious and any similarity to the name, character, or history of any person, living or dead, is purely coincidental and unintentional (girlish laugh)
All your base are belong to us.
CS Wars: Episode 2 – Attack of the Admins
(the long awaited sql (okay, not that long) to Final CS Fantasy: The Coder Within, which was awesome and also by me, because I am awesome)
The story below is a sequel to a story written to my computer science buddies in 2002. Unlike CS Wars 1, this was not written IM, but was written in one continuous stint in Word. It is filled with inside jokes, computer stuff, and references to our college software engineering program. You should be able to understand most of it though. Apologies to everyone and everything I ripped off. It's a homage. Please don't sue.
Chapter II. A New Hope and a new Hard Drive
When last we left our heroes, Nick, Julia, Koaru,
and N4-T3 (Nate) were living happily in the village
of Electronica where they had brought the
supercomputer TX-999 so they all could play
Counter-Strike til their eyes bled. Basically, they
all were in the middle of being happily ever after.
(ain't there always an 'until'?)
Koaru was making a tidy living making web pages for small businesses. Julia was making cracks and hacks for programs made by evil super conglomerates that deserved it anyway. Nate had found a steady quest searching for the perfect implementation of 'Hello World'. Nick, being chosen as the leader of the village for his courage, bravery, and animal magnetism (rerow), had his hands full with governing the village and solving domestic and foreign issues, but somehow he managed to fit in 8 hours of Grand Theft Auto 3 a day. Nick decided that he had a good life here, but development was lacking. So he packed his bags and headed out to learn the ways of the interns, an elite group of CS masters who were applying their skills in the real world. Nick wanted to complete his training, and with the skills he had gained from the terrible quests of the CS professors fresh in his mind he set out. Julia was so afraid for him, because that's the kind of caring and beautiful girl she is, but she trusted him to do the right thing and let him go off on his own.
"Nick, o Nick, I will miss you dearly. But I will let you go off into the wide wide world on your own where you will make... why am I talking like this? I sound like an idiot."
"I don't know, we've been talking like this since the first story"
"Okay, I'm going to stop now."
"Okay, me too."
"Anyway, have fun, dress warmly, don't forget I love you."
"I love you too." Nick picked up his Dragon Ball Z suitcase and headed out the door. The sun was setting under the horizon, finishing the beautiful new day, and the new adventures that awaited Nick in the great big world. Adventures that would-
"Wait! You forgot your Game Boy Advance!" Julia ran after Nick and tossed it to him. He grabbed it in mid air.
"Thanks! Bye!" he waved.
"Bye!" she waved.
Nick turned back to the path and thought, that's why I love her.
Many days passed until he came upon the tribe of the interns in Packet City. They waited there with open arms. The lead intern came up to him. "Ahh, the JVM is strong with this one. Your metachlorions are off the scale."
"Actually, I just had a Dr. Pepper, that might be it."
"Oh, possibly, well, let me show you around the place. My name is Obi-Gyn Shinobi"
Nick blinked. "Oooookay."
Obi-Gyn first showed him to the most important part of the office, the coffee machine. "This is the coffee machine. We use it for making coffee, obviously. Sometimes the donut fairy will come and bless us with sweet sweet rings of goodness. Observe how these coffee cups contain little witticisms like 'World's Greatest Coder' and 'Byte Me'."
"That one says 'chicks with dicks dot com'."
"Uh, no it doesn't." He tossed it behind his back and it made a breaking sound. "Let's move on, shall we? Next we have the water cooler. This is the best place to argue about football and do bad impersonations of last week's Saturday Night Live. Personally, I come for the water." The two continued walking through the office. "Over there are some cubicles or something. I don't know what they do."
"Isn't that where you work?"
"What's that? Anyway, in this room is the meeting room. This is where we have the paper airplane races and nerfball fights. Those are fun. I totally pegged Jim yesterday."
"Um, so do we do any actual work here?" Nick asked.
"Hell no, where do you think we are? Microsoft? Macintosh? Ha!"
Nick nodded with a smile
Some weeks later, Nick was in his cubicle working furiously on a new program. He popped his head over the cubicle to Fred. "Dude, nice placement of the trip wires." Well, he was working on it, he wasn't creating it.
Other cries came from the crops of the cubicle farm.
"Oh, crap look out!"
"Protect the flag carrier! Protect the flag carrier!"
"My bot's shooting me!"
"But, but, it was my stapler, and they, they said I could, I could, use..."
Obi-Gyn passed by Nick's cubicle. "Hey, Nick, how's it going."
"Pretty good, Roger's our new flag carrier. Say, as fun as all this is, when are we going to do some actual work? Like I thought I was going to learn how to use the JVM."
"Why do you wish to learn about such things? Are you not content here?"
"Well, yeah," he began idly flipping through his Far Side Day Calendar. Obi immediately knocked it out of his hand. "What are you doing, man? If you look at the cartoons for tomorrow, then you won't have anything to look at when you're waiting for the server to start up! You need to pace yourself!" Obi-Gyn began staring off into space. "I cannot teach this boy. He has no patience."
"Hmm, much anger in him. Yes."
"Who are you talking to?"
"Oh, sorry, I zoned. Anyway, if you really want to learn about the JVM, they have a course in Java Virtual Management down in the basement every week. It's pretty easy."
"You mean you're not going to teach me?"
"Hell no! They just got a new batch of donuts in the break room. And then we're all gonna watch Matrix and check the strips of User Friendly! Later."
"But what if I need help?"
"Remember, use the course."
Obi left Nick alone. Nick gathered his determination and set about applying for the course in JVMs, the mighty weapon of all CS masters, while the sounds of counter-strike echoed through the office.
"And the squirrels, they were married, but then they switched."
2 months later, when Nick's internship was done and he had beaten everybody in Wolfenstein many many times, it was time to say goodbye. Donald hugged him. "Oh, I'm going to miss you so much."
"Uh, okay, I don't know you, but I'll miss you too."
Obi-Gyn Shinobi stepped up and handed him a book – H.W. Boarse's Guide to the JVM. "Your training is complete. Whenever you are in trouble, remember, use the Boarse." (running gag established)
"Okay, see y'all later."
"I'll set the building on fire."
Nick walked back to the village of Electronica with a smile on his lips and a song in his heart. Unfortunately, the song was 'It's a Small World' and he nearly went insane, but he managed to make it back to camp all right.
(there's that until again)
Smoke was billowing out over the canopy of the mountain forest. Nick rushed in to find the village a shambles, a war zone straight out of a Quake 3 tourney map. Villagers were running everywhere, being chased by soldiers with cybernetic masks over their heads. "Julia!" he began shouting into the chaos. "Julia! Julia!!!"
A trooper came up to him with a plasma gun aimed at his head. "Hold it right there!" he said mechanically.
"Glad to. Now I think I'll hold it over... HERE!" Nick whipped out his Gauntlet and sliced the trooper across the gullet.
"What? Where did that come from?" Nick wondered. Anyway, he ran off to the tribal chief's home (his home) and broke open the door to see a horde of troopers trashing the place apart. Nick leveled up his rocket launcher.
"Come get some."
Nick blasted two of them right away, little '1's flew over their heads. The other two, he cracked one across the face with the butt end of the rifle and the other he did some Matrix style voodoo and rapid punched him through the wall. The last one left was a low-ping bastard with a BFG. The two stood off in a showdown. Nick cracked his knuckles. The trooper adjusted his gun. He fired, Nick jumped out of the way, narrowly missing the splash damage. He fired the rocket launcher at the trooper's feet but the blast was too short. Nick kept jumping and dodging the blasts. The trooper suddenly grabbed his wrist. "Ahh, carpal tunnel! Carpal tunnel!" Nick fired the launcher, making the trooper into a neat fireworks display of gibs.
"Julia!" he called out again. He opened the closet and Nate's small limp form fell out. "Nate!" Nick checked his power supply and saw he had a blue screen of death on. He 'ctrl-alt-del'ed and Nate flashed back to life.
"Where do you want to go today?"
"Nate? Where's Julia?"
"They came out of nowhere, they tore up the village, they were looking for the TX-999, but..."
"Nate, what are they?"
"Nate! What are they? What are they?"
"Admins... CS admins!"
"No, not this many of them."
"It's true. They're all admins."
Nick took Nate's little form outside the hut for fresh air. "Do you know where Julia is?"
"Oh, she's quite comfortable, right here!"
Nick looked up and saw Moorus, the tubby and West Virginian, flying over them with his demon-membrane wings keeping him aloft, albeit not that much aloft. He was holding a tied-up and gagged Julia over his shoulder.
"How do you like my admins? Perfect, aren't they? Completely submissive to my bidding."
"Put her down!"
"If you ever want to see your precious Julia again, you must find me in my castle. There we will finish what we started. Come my admins, let us fly! Fly! Fly!"
"Um, sir, we can't fly," one said.
"Oh, um, ok, grab onto my leg."
The trooper took hold of Moorus' trunk-like leg and held on. The next trooper grabbed onto his leg and the next and so on and so on so there was a chain of troopers dangling off of Moorus. The bottom few were actually being dragged along the ground as Moorus made his escape.