How to Survive Freshman Year: An In-Dept Guide

There are a lot of things that they tell you when you start freshman year. None of which, of course, is true. Sure you'll sit around in your freshman retreat while a group of good-looking seniors urge you to get involved. And then your peer group leaders (equally good-looking seniors) will gush to you about how fabulous freshman year was for them (after surviving a semester of freshman year, relatively unscathed, I do not understand how they can say this with out being struck down with lightening for such blatent lies). This is so obviously untrue.

But why, you may ask, would they lie to us? Is it to lure us unsuspecting freshmen into their trap? Is it because they are so blinded by school spirit that they actually believe what they're saying is true? Or is it because they can't say "Hey freshmen! Watch your ass on homecoming week!" with the principal, vice principal, dean of students and all three guidance councilors are within earshot? Call me jaded but I think it's the latter.

But do not fear my little freshman compadres! I, a freshman, unblinded by school spirit and nowhere near my dean of students will tell you the truth! If you can handle it! I will tell you everything you will need to know to survive freshman year. I offer my sage advice as a seasoned freshman and urge you to listen. Do not walk into the traps the seniors have made. Do not make the same fashion mistakes all freshmen are bound to make. Some call these mistakes that all freshmen make a rite of passage I think of them as a mere annoyance that I, and others, would not have made if someone had warned us. I am that someone! I will make it so freshman year will be a pleasant memory, not one that you wish to forget. Every year of your life should be a pleasure to live, even freshman year.

How to Have a Fantabulous Freshmen Year

Do not listen to a word that your dean of students says about hazing. I mean it's kind of cute how clueless they are. Mine was oblivios enough to say, "Do not worry about hazing. Any seniors caught writing '05 on a freshman's forehead with be…given a severe talking to." Ha, a severe talking to, that's just enough of a threat to leave the senior boys (most of which have five o'clock shadow by nine in the morning) or the incrediebly busty senior girls shaking in there moccasins (this seasons latest trend).

Your peer helper is of no use to you. Although they say to ask them about anything, big or small, please for the love of god do not listen to them. If you go up to them and ask were room K120 is they will pretend not to know you or even worse give you long winding directions leading to the wrong room. Also do not expect the "Welcome to (your school there)" note promised to be sent to your advisory with their email address. It will never come.

If a senior, or any upperclassman for that matter, asks you to do something, do it no questions asked. If you can't understand why only when freshmen bring doughnuts to homeroom that they have to bring juice, bagels and an assortment of pastries as well consider it one of high school's mysteries. Do not under any circumstances get an attitude and say, "You want the juice, you bring it biotch." Trust me, just meekly do their bidding knowing with satisfaction in one year you will have freshmen to torture mercilessly.

Word travels extremely fast in high school, Especially now with the help of electronics (cell phones, email and text messaging). If you make a joke like, "Jesus Christ, you could just scrape that girls tan off with a spatula," do not be at all surprised when as soon as you walk out of the classroom people you have never met are slapping you on the back saying, "Good one about the spatula." And beside fake tan or not that girls got to have some friends, who will undoubtbly ban against you. Believe me not a good move.

Do not go into high school expecting all of your friends to stay the same. Unfortunately when people go into high school most of them change…and not always for the better. In high school hierarchy you've got your jocks, your cheerleaders, your wannabe jocks and cheerleaders (the one's that didn't make the team), your nerds, your artsy weirdos, your gay kids, and then a big mush of people that don't belong to any group. Once you get into high school some of the people you have been best friends with will suddenly turn into a babe (or a hunk for guys) and she'll go out with the quarterback on the football team and they'll be the most popular couple in the school and everyone will go "oh they're so CUTE!" and every time she talks to you all she'll talk about is how they're going to get married and make babies and on and on! And it's not like you're jealous that she has a totally hunky boyfriend or anything…

Avoid at all costs the school spirit club. People are like "oh it's fun, it's cute…they love their school so much!" Yeah I'll bet that's what people said about Nazi Germany at the beginning…Hitler probably started out as head of a "fun filled extra curricular"

Never openly mock entries in your school's literary magazine. If you think one of the trying to hard to be angsty poems is just to hilarious just hold it in. This is because most of that stuff is submitted anonomusly so you never know if the person you're laughing about it to is the person who wrote it…believe me…

Ha…avoid at all costs the gay kids of you can't not laugh. It gets pretty tough making up an excuse about why you burst out laughing the middle of their description of their boyfriend…

If a certain dean of student's catches you with an untucked shirttail accept the detention you deserve. Do not, under any circumstances, as a joke make up a story about how a group of seniors, in a pre-homecoming week craze, hazed you by untucking your shirttail. This will indefinitely lead to further questioning by said dean of students. Then you will have to suffer the embarrassment of saying you were joking. Your humor will be rewarded by not one but three detentions, one for the shirt, one for lying and one for making the dean of students look like an idiot.

Most importantly, do not fall in love with a senior, it is futile no matter how cool you think you are because, really, you're just a freshman…the lowest of all forms in high school hierarchy

I, Kate Thompson, have made these mistakes and hope that with my help, you won't too!!! To learn more review and Chapter Two will be up soon: The Art of the School Uniform (How to Look to Cool for School!!!)