Everything That Could've Been

It's been almost five years now, but never does a day pass where I do not think of you. I wonder, do you think of me? Would you be here with me now if I'd asked you not to go? I never knew how you felt, how you feel about me now, and therefore I will never have closure for this immense portion of my life.

I still remember the first time I saw you, the way your eyes were almost sparkling. It took but a moment for me to be caught under the spell of those beautiful eyes, an hour to be enchanted by your smile, a week to consider you one of my favourite people, a month to fall in love, three years to realise it. I always seem to figure it all out once it's too late. Maybe I should've told you everything at the airport, how much I loved you, but instead I stuck by the noble notion of a best friend not wanting to hold you back.

Now, with all the people gathered around me, I pretend to be asleep, giving me the freedom to remember the happy times. If you were here, I wouldn't have to pretend to be sleeping. Where are you now? Have you found someone else to love? I never found anyone else. People tried to set me up, but they were never you. They didn't have sparkling eyes, or enchanting smiles. They didn't care about me the way you did. They weren't offered a promotion overseas.

No, that was all you.

I remember when you first told me, I felt like I had been torn in two, but I couldn't understand why. Why didn't I feel happy for you? It was what you'd always wanted. I was losing my best friend, and it was a pain you could never imagine. The two weeks before you left were the most joyful and tragic days of my life. I felt the same flutter in my heart when I saw your face, but I was hurting inside because I knew that you would be leaving soon.

I knew I would never see you again.

I've always felt that airports are like a limbo of some kind. It's an in-between place, not really hear nor there. Limbo, and that's how I felt as we stood in the airport. Silence, although we were surrounded by people, we were only aware of each other.

"I hope it's everything you want it to be."

"Yeah, me too. Will you miss me?"

I let out a small smile. "Yeah" I said quietly.

We smiled at each other, and then you whispered, "Love you." It was an informal goodbye, you didn't mean anything by it, but it made me think. Could it be…? Oh… My… Gosh. It was like a blinding realisation, a pure truth. You were not just my friend. I was in love with you, and you were my everything. No wonder I was so cut up inside, I was losing the love of my life. I wrapped my arms around you, not wanting you to see me cry. Not wanting to let you go, but not wanting to hold you back. I knew we would lose contact after a while, and just be a dot on each other's pasts, but I didn't want to be the reason you turned down a perfect career opportunity. You obviously wanted this promotion more than you wanted me.

But now as I look back, I realise I never had proof either way. What if you were just waiting for me to give you a reason to stay? What if not saying anything that day was the worst mistake of my life?

I wish you were here now.

I open my eyes, I see my parents, some other relatives and a few old friends who just came so they won't feel any guilt when I'm gone. They realise my eyes are open, and they exchange glances of worry, relief and other emotions I can't read. Leah re-enters the room, they talked about this before, but I never got a say. It's all going to end soon, wish I could scream, kick, walk away.

But I can't.

Trapped in a lifeless body, with only my thoughts to keep me company, wish you were here, holding my hand through these last moments, talking about the fast five years we'd spent together.

But I guess it just wasn't meant to be.