I was looking for all the verses that held the word meditate. Because sometimes we think of meditate as something you do when you're doing yoga or practicing martial arts or something...not something you do when you worship God. I mean, some of us associate that word with God...but very few of us know the extent of it. That's what God said to me one day..."Meditate."

"I remember the days of old; I meditate on all Your works; I muse on the work of Your hands." -Psalms 143:5

Ok, that one hit home. Because, you know, before this whole thing started, before I felt the world slipping from my feet as it moved faster, I had that. I would just read my Bible and pray almost constantly, just like the Bible says I should. I was really close with God. I didn't understand how things could get so off-beat and what was I doing then, and what do I do now. Because really what it felt like, the difference was, that I felt pinpricked, like my heart couldn't stand under any pressure, big or small. And it used to be that I could stand almost anything, that you could be talking to me and I'd remember a verse or something, some truth of God's that could help. I would reach a wall in my spiritual life or something I didn't understand and the first thing I would think about was God and what He would want me to do....to walk away....or to climb.

And I realize now that there was something about that state I was in that just wasn't right. It sounds really strange because you think, "If you were doing everything that God was telling you to do...what was the problem." Connect it. My heart was whole then, not broken like it feels like now. But it was whole how I wanted it to be whole, with rooms and locked doors, closets full of secrets and wounded pride. Giving God a tour of my heart (as if He needed one) I would steer Him toward rooms that were open, not ones that were off limits. Off limits!!? Nothing should be off limits to God in your life...so what was He going to do about it. Well at first He waited I suppose. I mean I don't know all there is to know about God, but I do know that He asked me that question first. "There are all these rooms in your heart...all these things that I would love to take from you, that I would love to clear up...and you won't let Me see them. So...what are you going to do about it?" As you could have guessed, my answer was, "Nothing, God. Make Yourself at home, but just...hands off, ok? That's what You're here for anyway, right?" Through my newfound faith, I couldn't see my insolence. It wasn't God that was blinding me, it was myself.

"You are not restricted by us, but you are restricted by your own affections." -2Corinthians 6:12

And so, really, He waited. And I just continued to mull over everything that He was teaching me, thinking maybe that I should open some of my doors. But the second I thought it, I rebuked it. Until one day it got so I was practically tortured with the idea, yes no yes no yes....ya know? So God was like, "Ok, enough." And so He broke me, in one way or another. I had a pretty little house for a heart...and now it's rubble on the inside...but still standing wouldn't you think? In light of this I asked God, "It's obvious, Lord, that I'm not strong anymore. I don't have all the focus or the strength that was once taking me from day to day, making me see all that You had to give. What do I do now?"

When I prayed it, it was almost accusatory, like, "You've put me here, now what?" Which was wrong...but....I was depressed at that point. Well, I had been depressed and now I wanted out, I wanted out of being so darn icky and depressed and moody. And He said, "Meditate." That's it, no more conversation, no nothing. It may seem like He was just being short with me...but it worked. So I started looking into the word meditate, what it meant to me or what it meant to Him. It was a slow process because, like I said, I wasn't where I should be in the God department. But eventually (it took this long) I looked into it. I found that there are about 17 verses with the word meditate in them. Here's a few that stuck out to me. Most of them are in Psalms...

"I will meditate on the glorious splendor of Your majesty, and on Your wondrous works." -Psalms 145:5

"My hands also I will lift up to Your commandments, which I love, and will meditate on Your statutes." -Psalms 119:48

"My eyes are awake through the night watches, that I may meditate on Your word." -Psalms 119:148

"But his delight is in the law of the Lord, and in His law he meditates day and night." -Psalms 1:2

"When I remember You on my bed; I meditate on You in the night watches." -Psalms 63:6

"Princes also sit and speak against me, but Your servant meditates on Your statutes." -Psalms 119:23

Just a few, right? Hahaha. I'll have to admit, I didn't find all these myself. Some that it found, I knew, and some were new and very interesting to me. The first thing that comes to mind is the term "night watches." I had found Psalms 63:6 and at first I meant it to mean just what I used to do. Late at night, when the house was all asleep, especially when I couldn't sleep myself, I would sit up in my bed and just flip through my Bible. Funny, I haven't done that in the longest time...until now...but still. It being used in all those verses like that, I can see what it means. Night watches. Night. Darkness. The valley of the shadow of death. Ring any bells? I don't know if I'm right but still...when you're in your darkest hour...meditate on God, right?

"I am the true vine, and My Father is the vinedresser. Every branch in Me that does not bear fruit He takes away; and every branch that bears fruit He prunes, that it may bear more fruit." -John 15:1-2

Sometimes there are situations in our life that we can't control. Sometimes there are breaking moments where God prunes away something that we may not even see as bad. But what we must do in those moments, when we may feel helpless...broken...empty...or just confused. We meditate. Meditate on His word and His love. Meditate on past things that He or others have taught you. Meditate on what He says in the Holy Bible. Meditate even when it takes you getting off the phone or off the computer, dropping what you're doing even when it seems important, going in your room, shutting the door, turning up the music, getting out your Bible, and praying. That time with God can be even more important than what you're doing at the moment. I've learned that when God prunes away something in your life, or maybe keeps something in your life, it's so that you would bear good fruit. Because sometimes it's those moments when you feel depressed sometimes, if you would just seek His face, He can lift you out of it, or He could teach you something. Even when you're in a great mood...lift your hands to Him, praise Him, worship Him. Let go of fear and hatred and don't grudge those who may hurt you...because though they may hurt you they could never harm you...that's the faith in our merciful Lord.

"So shall My word be that goes forth from My mouth; it shall not return to Me void, but it shall accomplish what I please, and it shall prosper in the thing for which I sent it." -Isaiah 55:11