A hole in the head, A hole in the head, I must really want the hole in the head. Or a Whole lot of story anyway. Oh, today somebody told me that Tessa meant torture in some language, which one I am not entirely sure.
Chapter 3 What the H E double toothpicks am I thinking?
The Second Chapter- Once you have written and posted your first chapter, people may begin to ask for more. This may present a problem if you have many other stories you are currently working on.
The solution? Pick a really obnoxious trait of the fanfic writer and blow it all out of proportion, perhaps your readers will become offended and you will be left in peace. But no, they seem to love this, the more you bash the more they read. And the more you write.
Muses- I'm not entirely sure about the concept, but it appears to be a fanfiction phenomenon. Some authors seem to think that creating a character or persona will add legitimacy to their endevers. They then proceed to have long wandering and disjointed conversations with these creations. The kind of dialog designed to make their readers scratch their heads and say Huh? Then they go on to post all of their reviews and their responses to them. I can only say that this is a step above responding to reviews by giving yourself a review.
If you plan to devote your chapter to this particular trait, be sure to add a token piece of story so that you fall within the letter of the law and they won't pull your story and ban you.
Rule # 28 Make a point of repeating how little you know about that which you are writing about.
The third chapter- it's the one that comes after chapter 2 and before chapter 4 unless you are writing a Sucky fic, in that case it's probably chapter 2/3 or maybe 4, 5 and 6.
If this confuses you, remember this is a sucky fic, it doesn't have to make sense. Though it does help if you remember the sequence of episodes in the Star Wars movies, it might give you a clue. Like I said before, borrow with impunity, but do give credit where it is due.
Bring in the family and pick their brains, just make sure they have eaten first. It appears that I failed to do this, so that most of my sisters puns ended up having to do with food.
Rule # 29 Threaten to Bitch slap Harry Potter
The Fourth Chapter- As the previous two chapters will have confused your readers, you will find yourself writing yet another chapter to continue the story and straighten it out, at least as much as a sucky fic can be straightened out.
Bad Romance Novels- There is always an issue that divides the hero and heroine in the story. For the purposes of this fic, pick a really tacky and stupid issue. And so we come to the blond elf wearing only his grin. That and a marriage that has no hope in hell of actually happening in the original books. We need a true Jerry Springer moment here, without the violence.
# 1 Violence is bad.
# 2 Tackiness is good.
# 3 Stupidity is even better.
End the chapter with the Mary Sue type getting a headache as we know that someone who has never written a romance novel wouldn't really want to write a real love scene, especially one dealing with two guys and a girl. And one of those guys not even being human. Besides I believe there is a limit to what is allowed, even in a sucky fic.
The Fifth Chapter- Now we come to the first of the responses to reviews and this one is quite something. I Want your Baby is a little extreme, especially as the reviewer appears to be a girl and I am one as well. There are two ways to look at this, I chose to take it as an offer to have my baby and to have fun with that. Now we all know the offer wasn't serious, but they must have known what they were getting into when they left that one.
At least they didn't call me a Dude like another reviewer did on another story I had written (That one was a serious story). Now if you are actually a Dude, you may welcome this type of review, I don't know as I am not a Dude.
Now after reestablishing through an inane and stupid dialog that this is an evil (Sucky fic) Add another character from another story, if you can move onto another genre entirely, so much the better. Then leave the reader hanging with the hint of something truly kinky, but admit nothing. If you don't write it, you can't get in trouble for it.
This type of thing tends to bring the reader back for the next chapter. Perhaps they forget that the same rules that work for this chapter also will apply for the next. They won't actually be reading what you have hinted at, but then their own evil little minds will provide all the details needed. Maybe even more than you could come up with on your own. But considering how widely read I am, perhaps not. And that's all I plan to say about that.
The Set up- Now nobody seems to care about poor Harry Potter getting bitch slapped, however make Legolas walk around from chapter to chapter naked (something that contains no violence) people can become offended, why I am not sure. As most of the readers are female, why not?
The set-up is pointing this out and laughing your head off on paper, then providing the concept of PETE (My little crack at PETA) People for the Ethical Treatment of Elves. Now be aware I created this off the top of my head, but someone has taken it to heart and started reviewing as the representative of PETE. This has actually provided much fodder for humor.
And so I come to this conclusion, when writing a sucky fic on a site that has reviews of your work. Set up your reviewers for a give and take of taunts or funny comments. Perhaps this is edging towards a breach of review etiquette, but as it is funny and amusing to the author and seems to work well for a Sucky fic I plan to keep doing it.
Rule # 30 When someone reviews saying that your fic is horrible, but hilarious. Take it as a positive thing.
The Sixth Chapter- Point out that Mary Sues are usually based on the author, then backtrack quickly, pointing out how this one isn't meant to be you, or me as the case may be.
Next dedicate the chapter to another annoying author practice, in the Evil fic it's people who crave reviews. The I won't post unless I get so many reviews. Exaggerate the number to extremes.
Next have all those nearest and dearest to the Mary Sue, run like hell and make her search for them. Of course the poor dear has no clue why she can't find them.
Rule # 31 Turn the game Scrabble into something obscene, after all doesn't the name lend itself to that? (At least if you have a dirty mind)
Rule # 32 Put the mental image into your readers minds of a naked elf in weapons practice then end the chapter on that note. I can guarantee they won't forget your story.