By Light of a Clear Blue Morning by writerforever
Have you ever just needed to get away from everything? To spread your wings and fly to some new place? Have you ever felt trapped in a world where you felt as if no one understood you? Well I have felt that way. I had only just turned sixteen when I began to feel that way. I had lived in a small town all my life, well actually I lived a few miles out of town on a little farm with my parents. I was home schooled so I didn't have much of a social life. The only time I saw my 'few' friends was when me and my parents went to the little white country church every Sunday and Wednesday. I enjoyed going to that little church and listening to Rev. Porter preach, and then after the service all of us teens and kids would go outside and talk and play games.
They say that all teenagers feel out of place, but I don't think that was the case with me. For a long time I'd felt a part of everything. But then pretty soon I began to see how different I was from everyone around where I lived. Most of my friends, when they turned sixteen, got jobs at some fast food restaurant, or at a factory or a sawmill. They were happy with those kind of jobs. One of my friends said "What other chooses do we have? We might as well be happy with what we got." And the more I thought about what he said the more I realized how true his words were.
The little town, Irvine, Kentucky, had no options or possibilities for a dreamer or an ambitious person. It had a few fast food restaurants, a shoe factory, a small newspaper office, and a few other small stores, but nothing big.
Ever since I had been a little boy I'd dreamed of big things and as I got older my dreams become A LOT bigger. But they say teenagers are always having big dreams that usually never come true when they get adults. But I promised myself that I'd do everything I could to fulfill at least one of my dreams.
I talked to my parents about it and I told them of some of my dreams.
"I'd like to work at a place where I could help troubled teenagers," I told them.
"That's a good idea. But why don't you try something more simple?" my mom asked.
"Well I know that I'd have to get a small job to support myself but I'd still like to work with troubled teenagers," I said.
"You don't need to do something like that. It will never happen. You need to get a good solid job that you can fall back on. Like plumbing, it pays good money," my dad said.
"Plumbing? I don't think so. I would to do something….good. Something that doesn't benefit me, but helps someone else," I said.
"That's ridiculous," my dad said.
I sighed and went to my room. That's the way it always happened. My dad never liked the things that I wanted to do. But I tried to please him as best as I could. The summer I turned sixteen my dad had me a job mowing the lawns in town with two complete strangers, and he didn't even ask me if I wanted to do it. He just up and told the people I'd do it.
That evening when he came home from work he told me about my new job and I got very upset.
"Dad, why didn't you at least ask me? I mean it's not that I don't want to work at that job, but just that you would respect me enough to ask me if I wanted to," I said.
"You aint got no choice in the matter. Until your eighteen you have to do what I think is best for you," dad said.
"But I just wanted to pick out my own job," I said as I lowered my eyes.
"What job would you have picked out? There is nothing for kids your age," dad said.
"That may be so. But at least I could have tried," I said and left the room.
It upset me that dad had picked out my summer job because I had hoped to do something different than mowing yards. For a few weeks I was really upset but finally I just gave in and took the job. What was the point? I mean I had no choice in the matter so why fight it?
But as the months went by I began to feel worse and worse and I just felt trapped. I saw where my life was headed. I was going to end up working in some factory or something and end up being just like everyone else. I didn't think there was anything wrong with working at a fast food restaurant or factory, some people may like to do that, but that kind of thing just wasn't for me. I wanted something bigger, something more exciting.
The more I tried to talk to my parents about my feelings and ambitions the more they lectured me and told me that I just didn't have the right to pick my own job or do anything else if they didn't think it was best for me. I had to work on the farm with dad and he seemed to think that's the way it would always be.
"You should do something simple and just have a normal job. That's what you need to do and that's what you're going to do," dad said.
I knew that once I turned eighteen I could have any job that I wanted but I was afraid, afraid that I might not be able to. My heart was broken a bit because I didn't know what to do. I felt as if I was standing in the middle of a large crowd screaming my head off and no one paid me any heed. I just wanted to be understood and to be able to go out and try to make a few small dreams true.
One way I did fulfill a dream of mine was writing a book and getting it published. That helped me a lot to actually accomplish getting published and having my book out in stores. And it also gave me more confidence that I could go out there and do some good things and maybe make a difference.
But as the days went by I grew more and more depressed. I let depression just take over me. I'd sit in my room with the lights turned out and the door shut, just sitting in the dark on the floor. I'd cry myself to sleep. I was desperate for a change. I could see my life flashing before me, I'd graduate school, then I'd get a small town job and never be anyone or fulfill a dream.
Things got pretty bad for me but then I was offered a chance to leave, to leave everything behind and start a new life in New Mexico. A friend of mine was moving there and there family had invited me to come and live with them.
"I don't think I can do that," I said.
"Think about it for awhile. Then decide," my friend said.
The more I thought about it the better it sounded. I could picture myself packing my blue suitcase and backpack and leaving Irvine behind me. I craved something more exciting and a place where there was big possibilities for me. I longed to escape and to just be free from everything. I wanted a chance at life, even though I was so young. I was more afraid of staying home than leaving. But I kept trying to decide if I could do it. Could I just pack up and leave Kentucky for good? Could I leave my parents and not feel guilty about it? But the most important thing, would New Mexico be a place of possibilities?
I began to do some research on New Mexico just to see what kind of a place it was. And it looked like a fine place to live. I even found out that a Troubled Teen Center was close to where my friend was moving. But I didn't know if I wanted to work there. I don't really know what I wanted, I guess just the chance to be free, and to actually have a life. Don't get me wrong, my life was very good, I had good parents and a good home, but something was missing, something big. There was void inside of me that couldn't be filled by staying in Irvine, Kentucky.
But I am still deciding, and praying, and thinking. I know that I will make my decision soon. Sometimes you just have to let go and breakaway, to fly by the light of a clear blue morning. . .