Setting: Regular classroom with a whiteboard and a few desks. There are health posters all around the room and Mrs. Bentson's desk in the back of the classroom.
Costumes: Mrs. Bentson wears sweatpants and a t-shirt. Charlie and Greg both wear jeans and skater shirts. Valerie wears skirts and Andrea wears jeans and a tight shirt.
The Meaning of Sex
Mrs. Bentson: Can anyone tell me the point of sex education?
Charlie: To get free porn?
Mrs. Bentson: Charlie, please be realistic. Does anyone know what the point of this class is? Greg (Points to Greg)?
Greg: I don't know. I thought it was the porno thing. It sounded pretty good to me.
Mrs. Bentson: Well, maybe we should make a goal (pause). How about this; Your goal in this class is to learn what sex education is and to be able to spread your knowledge of it to your friends and family.
Charlie: You mean we have sex for homework?
Greg: I'm not doing it with my sister (Yelling to make known he will not have incest)!
Mrs. Bentson: Charlie, you know what I am saying.
Greg: Nice try. Man, that would be cool, sex for homework.
Andrea: Yeah, because you can't get it any other way.
Mrs. Bentson: (Yells) Stop! (Calms down) Today we will be learning about the human body. Does anyone know what happens when young children go through puberty?
Charlie: I think Andrea already knows. Her tits are pretty big (Emphasis on Andrea).
Mrs. Bentson: (Yelling) Charlie, shut up! No one cares about what you have to say.
Charlie: I say what I want when I want.
Mrs. Bentson: That's it! Detention, tomorrow, right after school.
Andrea: Just shut up Charlie. Everyone knows how small you are. Plus, you probably don't even know what puberty means.
Greg: Ohhhhh! BURN! She got you there. (Nudges Charlie with his elbow.)
Mrs. Bentson: Everyone shut up or the whole class gets detention!
Charlie: I don't care. I already have it.
Mrs. Bentson: Well, now you have two. (Points at Charlie.) Every word you say from now on is another detention.
Charlie makes a face at Mrs. Bentson.
Mrs. Bentson: Now this is a picture of the woman's uterus. See how it's shaped… (Points to a poster that's on the white board)
Andrea: Ew! Mine doesn't look like that.
Mrs. Bentson: You better hope yours looks like that. (Pause) There are syndromes that children are born with that they don't know that they have until they are supposed to go through puberty. The children don't change at all; nothing grows.
Charlie: Well, I know I don't have that (Says with all confidence).
Mrs. Bentson: Detention!
Greg: (Screaming) Hah! She got you there.
Valerie: You mean that someone can have a disease and not know until they are supposed to go through puberty?
Mrs. Bentson: That's exactly what I'm saying.
Valerie: (Whispers to Andrea.) Maybe that's why Greg and Charlie are so small.
Andrea: (Giggles a bit.) Burn! (Looks at Greg to see if he noticed her making fun of him, he didn't)
Mrs. Bentson: Everyone, enough! This syndrome is very serious and very rare. None of you have it… now, back to this model. (Points to the uterus)
Charlie: (Screaming) That girl couldn't be a model; she's fat! Haha!
Mrs. Bentson: Charlie! (Points to the door, suddenly becoming very angry) Out! Now!
Greg: (Nudges Charlie as Charlie gets up to leave.) Ohh! She wants you bad.
Mrs. Bentson: You too Greg.
Greg: This is a woman that knows what she wants (Winks at Mrs. Bentson).
Mrs. Bentson: Principal's office, now!
Greg and Charlie: Anything for you, baby (Says baby with a little head nod).
Mrs. Bentson: Leave!
Charlie and Greg both leave the classroom and walk to the principal's office.
The rest of health class
Charlie and Greg come back to class with a note.
Mrs. Bentson: What is this?
Charlie: The big dude told us to come back to class and bring this with us. (Referring to the note) We tried reading it. You know, he said you were a babe.
Mrs. Bentson: Give me the note. (Takes it out of Charlie's hand) Now, sit down (pointing to the desks in the front row). (Whispers to Charlie) Did he really say that?
Charlie and Greg take a seat in the front row.
Greg: (Whispers to Charlie) I told you she had a thing for us. She wouldn't make us sit in front of her if she didn't.
Charlie: Yeah, and now we get to look at her boobs up close.
Greg: And the uterus.
Charlie and Greg both smile and nod at each other, then look at Mrs. Bentson.
Mrs. Bentson: Now we will be moving on to the male anatomy. The class decided to delay it until your return (Talking to Greg and Charlie).
Charlie: Aww… gay porn. I don't want to see this (Disgusted look on his face).
Greg: Yeah! This is gross.
Andrea: Well, us girls had to sit through the girls nude body. You got to sit through the guy's.
Greg and Charlie: (Answer at the same time) Gross!
Mrs. Bentson: Now, this is the scrotum.
Valerie: (Giggles.) She's touching it.
Charlie: Damn right she's touching it. You should touch it too.
Mrs. Bentson: Charlie and Valerie! Would you like to teach the class?
Charlie and Valerie answer at the same time.
Mrs. Bentson: Okay Charlie. Stand up and point to the diagram.
Charlie: I was joking. No way am I touching some other guy's wang.
Mrs. Bentson: (Screams so everyone hears.) Okay next time is the last class of sex education. So, report to this classroom on Wednesday. On Friday go to the big gym.
Greg: Will we be having a gang bang in there?
Greg runs out of the classroom as fast as possible, followed shortly by the rest of the class.
Day Two of Health Class
Mrs. Bentson: Can anyone tell me what the purpose of this class is?
Charlie: Well, last class we saw porno. I thought that was the point.
Mrs. Bentson: (Yells at Charlie) Charlie! Be serious.
Charlie: Okay, okay. Last class we stared at boobs.
Mrs. Bentson: Forget about it Charlie. Valerie, can you tell me why this is important?
Valerie: Umm… (Thinking) So girls know how big the guys are (Being serious)?
Mrs. Bentson: Valerie, I want you to think about what you said and tell me the real reason at the end of class.
Valerie: Okay (With a sorry and confused look on her face).
Mrs. Bentson: Today we will be learning about protection. There are various ways to protect yourself from STDs and from becoming pregnant, but today we will be learning how to use condoms. I have brought in a bag of condoms and a box of cucumbers.
Greg: Saaaweeeet (Stands up and puts his arms up like the Redskins scored a touchdown)!
Andrea: Can we eat the cucumbers?
Mrs. Bentson: No, we will be putting the condoms on the cucumbers. Now everyone get in line.
Charlie: Yes! This is exactly what I need; free condoms (Says excitedly)!
Valerie: Charlie, shut up. You're not getting any (Cross look on her face).
Charlie: I'm getting more than you are.
Greg: (Laughs a little) That's not saying much.
Charlie: Hey, you're supposed to be on my side.
Greg: I am (With a defensive look on his face).
Mrs. Bentson: Show me a straight line… (Turns to Greg) what do you think you're doing young man?
Greg: Oh, I thought you asked ma to show my moonshine. It's not quite a full moon yet.
Mrs. Bentson: Greg, last chance. Make a line (Pronouncing her words very clearly).
Charlie gets into line first, smuggling a handful of condoms.
Mrs. Bentson: Charlie, One condom per person; put some back.
Charlie: You never know, Mrs. Bentson. I may need more. I'm pretty big
Mrs. Bentson: For heaven's sake. We are putting the condoms on cucumbers. We are not USING them on ourselves. They are not for personal use.
Charlie: Can I at least have two?
Mrs. Bentson: Would you like detention? How do two detentions sound?
Charlie: Fine. (Puts the condoms back and sits down.)
The rest of the class gets their condoms and cucumbers then sits down at their desk.
Andrea: Can we open the condoms with our mouths?
Mrs. Bentson: No, open the condom with your hands; especially you.
Greg: Ohhh! Burned by a teacher! Ouch and sizzle (making "and" long)!
Andrea: Shut up, Greg (Annoyed look on her face).
Greg: No spanks (Smiling, now that he knows he got her attention). You're scorched; need a band aid?
Mrs. Bentson: Everyone quiet. Do you all want detention, again?
Charlie: (Says very loudly). Yes ma'am.
Mrs. Bentson: I sense sarcasm. (Turns to look at Valerie and screams.) Valerie, get that cucumber out of your mouth!
Valerie: (Quickly pulls the cucumber out of her mouth.) My bad, my bad (Blushes).
Mrs. Bentson: I don't want to see or hear any sexual innuendoes (Informs the class with a harsh voice).
Greg: But this is sex education. Everything is sex (Saying "sex" extra loud).
Mrs. Bentson: Just listen to me and don't try to 'turn anyone on,' as you might say it.
Charlie: That's going to be really hard for me (Breathes on his finger nails on one hand and polishes them on his shoulder).
Andrea: (Looks at Charlie, annoyed, then yells) Charlie, shut up. You're not that hot.
Charlie: (Calmly says) You need some glasses (Brushes his shoulder off).
Andrea: No I don't. I have perfect vision. It's you that has the inflated ego (Says with all confidence and puts emphasis on "you" and "inflated").
Charlie: Get a mirror (A little more defensively).
Valerie: That wasn't even a good comeback.
Charlie: It was if I wanted it to be (Says with all confidence).
Greg: Charlie, I advise you to shut up. You're getting whipped by a couple of bimbos.
Valerie: Excuse me! We are not bimbos (Emphasis on the 'not').
Greg: My bad; sluts (Smiles).
Greg and Charlie look at each other, laugh, and give each other a high-five.
Mrs. Bentson: Everyone stop. Don't force me to send the four of you to Mr. Mole's office. Now, everyone, throw your cucumbers and condoms in the trash can. And no Charlie, you cannot keep the condoms.
Andrea: Can I keep the cucumber?
Mrs. Bentson: No! I said throw everything away.
Greg: Can we throw Andrea away (Smiling)?
Andrea smiles, knowing she's getting attention from Greg.
Mrs. Bentson: Outside, NOW (Points to Greg)!
Greg: Ohtay… (Sighs). While I'm out, should I take Andrea to the dump? She smells worse than your mamas armpits on a hot, summer day in Florida.
Mrs. Bentson: Ignore him. So can anyone tell me what the use of sex education is? Valerie?
Valerie: (A little unsure) We take sex education so we can learn how to have safe sex.
Andrea: (With a little confidence) And how to put condoms on cucumbers.
Mrs. Bentson: Good (Obviously surprised). And Charlie, what do you think?
Charlie: The posters aren't meant to be porno (Pauses to think). I still don't think this makes sense, but we have posters to show what happens in the human body when a child goes through puberty… but me likey (raises his eyebrows up and down).
Valerie: Ew! Even the guys?
Mrs. Bentson: (Yelling over Valerie) Very good Charlie. I'm actually proud of you. This class turned out to be very successful (Seems like she means it).
Mrs. Bentson: Well, that was the last class of sex education. Please, children, if you are going to be sexually active, use the condoms.
Charlie: I would if I had some.
All the students rush out of the classrooms with their backpacks on one shoulder.
Greg comes into the classroom to get his backpack.
Mrs. Bentson: So Greg, quickly tell me what you learned in this class.
Greg: (Beat boxing comes into the background as Greg starts to rap)
I learned about the scrotum and the uterus
And how Charlie had a bad case of hubris
I almost got detention and sex for homework
And to the principal's office, Charlie and I lurked
We saw gay porn and stared at your tits
And, hah, about the syndromes, I don't give a… care
I pulled down my pants, you got mad
But I bet that I'm bigger than your dad
Ooooh BURN (the beat boxers stop and say it while they put their hand up to their mouth)!
We jacked some condoms, cucumbers too
Dude, Mr. Mole wants your number, ew
Me likey porno and sex
But STDs are no hex
So now that I am ending my rhyme
I want to tell you, we all had a good time!
Greg quickly leaves the classroom.
Mrs. Bentson: GREG (Screams out the door)! (Walks back into the room and says to herself) I'm glad I don't have that class again.
Mrs. Bentson walks off the stage.