Life Of Make Believe
I feel like a talented nine-year-old
- at best.

So, sometimes it seems
like I'm all alone in the world -
no one is like me, and
nobody likes me.
And this is hard for me to face.
I look at all the beautiful people around me
and wonder,
"What is the difference between them
and myself?"
I feel like I must have a greater purpose.
But I am doing absolutely nothing with my life.
I'm so afraid of just
talking to people I know.
It's ridiculous. I'm ridiculous.
I read the Bible today.
Sometimes I just want to laugh.
What are we all doing with our lives,
Some people live their entire life
blind to that greater Beyond.
How do they just not think about it?
Why do I feel like it's calling to me?
What are these sensations inside my head,
these thoughts and feelings that I
never could possibly possess on my own?
There's got to be more to this.
I want time to think.
But there's
This great sadness, but I haven't cried in years.
(Because I miss my grandfather.)
Damn this mental world of mine.
We can't define reality, and
I can't live in it.
I want real thoughts and feelings,
but at the same time I've always
had more than enough to deal with.
Maybe I'm just trying to fill up pages,
with all this nonsense that I talk.
I don't even know my own principles.
I couldn't tell you what it is I stand for.
I write 'hope' and 'truth' and 'love' on paper,
but what the hell have I ever known about those?
I was lead to believe in magic,
but then everyone else just let it fade.
I don't want to give that stuff up.
Just another unreal part of me
that no one else believes.
And tell me nothing's that depressing.
I'm alone and I'm crazy and it's misery, yes.
But I like to suffer like this, in silence.
Because maybe it'll make me strong,
and besides, it's not as terrible
as I love to pretend.
And how I love to pretend.
I make believe that people love me,
that he took a second glance,
that all of this has a reason,
that I'm more than what I'm worth.
That this'll all end up all right.
That I'll have something to be proud of,
that I'll do something meaningful,
that I'll change the world and that
my name will be remembered.
Vain and desperate Hope.
That's all I have.
That's all I can pretend to know.

TMK 4.19.2005