This story is for entertainment purposes only and is not intended for sale. It may be freely distributed providing that no alterations to the story are made.

The characters and incidents portrayed and the names in this story used herein are fictitious and any similarity to the name, character, or history of any person, living or dead, is purely coincidental and unintentional (girlish laugh).

Hang onto your butts, cause this is really gonna suck.

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CS WARS 4:
The Lord of the Token Ring

-THE MUSICAL-

-Author's Notes/Explanation-
The story below is the fourth and final sequel to a story written to my computer science buddies in 2002. This was written in the final year of our studies, as a last hurrah, while we were in our final three required classes – Computer Networks, Design Patterns, and seminar.Thus many of the jokes have to do with the content. It is still filled with inside jokes, computer stuff, and references to our college software engineering program. You should be able to understand most of it though.Apologies to everyone and everything I ripped off. It's a homage. Please don't sue.

(Sung to the tune of Without Me by Eminem (I thought it'd be easy for my first one))

Two Putnam Park girls go round the outside
Round the outside
Round the outside

Two Putnam Park girls set homework aside
On client side
With packets that collide

Guess who's back
Back, my man
Nick is back
On the LAN

Nick is back
Get a snack
Don't read Jack
Kerouac
He's a hack
Hooked on crack
Face the fact

I've just dranken 8 monsters
Cause nobody wants to see Juneau no more
They want the Wars for me to deliver
Well, if you want Wars then this is what I'll getcha
Too many long nights in the lab will do this to ya

So the comp's locked, I better restart this part quicker
Than the shock of seeing that zero on your paper
When the prof takes that binder off your work
And grabs his pen with an evil smirk

I had all winter to hibernate
And now gettin' back into this mental state
I know that you want to be the next Mitnick-y
But three CS courses is kinda tricky

So the place named P I'll get to see
Seven nights a week with my HP
Janitors wanna shut me down and set me free
But I show them my pass with my ID

So let's go and type, despite the hype
Pass out, let out a gripe, don't forget to wipe
And get ready, cause the workload's about to get heavy
I just got my report card. F--- this, already!

So this looks like more work for me
With Nick and Julia and all that you see
Cause we need a little Tolkien parody
Cause there's no CS Wars without me
I said-I'm starting to get hungry
So I'll go o-ver to Wendy's
To get a bacon melt with cheese
Cause there's no CS Wars without me

Little packets, bundled up with jackets
Wandering around the network so helpless
They start wondering if anyone will help us
Until a router comes along and takes them out of the bus

A missionary, mission could vary
Could shut down the network if we're not wary
A hacker, so I just gotta ask
If anyone could supply with me with my oxygen mask

This program's a disaster, it's a guarantee
That no one would ever pay me money
Demo time: Da da da da da da da da
Fix your stupid bugs and then I'm gonna enter into
Goliath and start up this code and hope
No one's around when this machine explodes
I'm resting, it's the best thing since we learned String
I'm just suggesting a nap before we begin testing

Ahem, if you'll read please
Please don't be mad if you're getting teased
Cause you're the only guys this word doc sees
Seriously, who else would read this cheese?

So, I will be your Wars M.C.
Until I can get my degree
Or they send me overseas
Cause there's no CS Wars without me
No applause, just send money
Cause I write all this stuff for free
And ATM's require fees
And there's no CS Wars without me

A bit, a byte, I'm gonna get a Sprite
To keep me up until the middle of the night
To solve this spanning tree thing right
Working until it gets bright and light
And I've been down in the lab working with the pen and the pad
Drinkin' monsters, sipping till our teeth go bad
We got the Mac on one side, PC on the other
And got no time left to even call our mothers

Now let's go, whoever said this is simple
Needs to have their face skinned off with steel wool
I'm tired, so stressed out with my mouse ball
Until a delusion gives me the call
To become manager at a Taco Bell
Which has to better than this living hell
And all burritos I get to chew
But I have to learn about M-T-U

And though I'm not the best guy at making words fly
I have run out of good story ideas and so I
Do song parodies so selfishly
Until "Weird Al" comes along and sues me
Hey, here's a concept that's great
All of us eventually get to graduate
But no matter how many jobs for which we'll apply
We remember that Juneau's a stand-up guy

I'm typing on my board of key
To think of lines that are funny
And listening to my new CD
But there's no CS Wars without me
My cat's stuck in a Huffman tree
And from this point I do decree
To not take crap from Biology
But there's no CS Wars without me

"Phew," Julia wiped her brow with her towel and went to the side of the stage to take a drink out of her water bottle. "That was exhilarating. What a workout. How are you Nick? Nick?"

"Can't... dance... not... built... for... physical... exertion..." he said spread-eagled on the floor with his stomach heaving up and down. "Nick go night-night."

"Hey, hey," Aerlyn said, lightly kicking him in the ribs. "Don't wimp out on us now. We have not yet begun to sing. This is just the first unnecessary musical number."

"Ohhhh," Nick groaned as he sat up. "Fine. But I'm going to Burger King to get a refreshing croissan'wich if I have to deal with this kind of stress this early in the morning. Who's with me?"

"What croissan'wich?" said Rocko. Rocko was a robot made out of rock from an alien planet, so he was still learning some of the ins and outs of Earth (in the interest of good taste, Rocko's first experience in the bathroom has been omitted from this document).

"Rocko," Nick said as he patted his stone friend on the back, "Let me tell you about the wonders of the croissan'wich. Imagine if you will, a golden flaky croissant, made with enriched flour and baked to perfection, soft enough as a pillow, but full of warm goodness. Cut that in half and put in the middle a steaming USDA approved pork sausage patty, made from the finest meats and spices this side of the Atlantic, with an fluffed egg patty and add in a slice of pure-processed ooey-gooey melted American cheese to give it just that right touch of texture and flavor. That my friend, is the croissan'wich."

Nick looked around and saw everybody else in the room was drooling.

"Onward to Burger King!" Cleo shouted.

Everyone ran off to find the nearest Burger King in a cloud of dust. Thoughts of croissan'wiches, sausage biscuits, French toast sticks, and cini-minis firmly planted in their heads. But when they got there...

"Wh- wh- wha- whe- WHERE'S THE FREAKIN' BURGER KING!!!!" Nick stammered. "What is this? It's all gray and there's four things instead of one?! It's like a cafeteria! What's a blue sky ranch? What is this place? How am I supposed to get French toast sticks now?" He put his head in his hands and began sobbing. Julia put an arm around him for comfort.

"There, there. It's just some changes, we can find somewhere else to go."

"-sniffle- W- Well, how about Subway?"

"Sure, we can go to Subway. It's right around the corner."

They went around the corner. "Julia, is 'Blimpie' French for Subway?"

"Uh, I don't think so."

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! There's no Subway! There's coffee shops and everything's switched places! Left is right. Up is down. Cats and dogs are best friends! What's happening with the world?!?!?! I can't survive in this crazy world." Nick ran up to the cashier of the Blimpie's. "What's going on here? Where's the Burger King? How's a man supposed to get a sausage croissan'wich these days if there's no place to get the croissan'wich from? You can't expect me to start the day without some unnecessarily expensive and fattening piece of food that's supposed to replace a real nutritional breakfast! What's wrong with you? What am I supposed to do now? How is a man supposed to live in this crazy world?"

Aerlyn withdrew her samurai sword and held it in front of her in a fighting stance. She approached the cashier. "Look, kid, the man asked for a sausage croissan'wich, so I suggest you better make him happy."

The cashier began trembling, rivulets of sweat raining down his cap. "Uh… but we don't have any of the ingredients-"

"Still drawing your sword against helpless fast food employees, eh, Aerlyn?" came a voice from behind.

They turned around and saw a boy about their age, dressed in a traditional Japanese martial arts uniform with a red headband. He had a smug smirk on his face.

Aerlyn quickly turned to him, with her sword still ready. "I thought I left you for dead, impaled on spikes in a pit filled with sharks and alligators and infected with Ebola virus, bubonic plague, and syphilis, with every bone in your body shattered and your heart exploded."

"I got better."

"Aerlyn, who is this?" Nick asked.

"This is Jin-Roh. He and I are mortal enemies now since a great battle in training many years ago."

Jin-Roh said, "She really takes her Connect Four seriously." Jin-Roh drew out his samurai sword and held it in a ready stance. "But never mind that now. Since you left me for dead, I must return the favor. You have dishonored the ways of my clan. Now I will send you to the underworld of the dishonored warriors."

"Do they have croissan'wiches there?" Nick asked.

(Sung to the tune of Never Again by Nickelback)

AERLYN:
You're back again
It's not your night
Your future's starting not to look too bright

JIN-ROH:
Well, you can gab
All the day
Your time is up
When you see me
Slashing my swooooooooord

AERLYN:
You cannot affooooooooord
To lose again

JIN-ROH:
You're gonna scream
I hear you now
Cause I'm gonna make you eat puppy chow
You'll cry and cry
And pussy out
You're gonna wish
That you never-

AERLYN:
Your lines are going too loooooong
This ain't an eight minute soooooooooong
Never could sing
You've sung this before
But not like this
You've rehearsed the score
But not like this
Never before
Have I heard you
Sing it this baaaaaaaaad
Go back to your paaaaaaaaaad
Never could sing

JIN-ROH:
Will you fight now?

AERLYN:
Don't hold your breath
Your family won't even mourn your death

JIN-ROH:
I was the best
At all the games
I always beat you by a
Staggering a-mooooooooooount

AERLYN:
Hungry Hungry Hippos don't coooooount
Try it again
You've always been boring
But not like this
Always kept score
But not like this
Ever and all will I beat you black and bluuuuue
I've got nothing better to dooooooo
Sing it again

Ninja's a name you haven't earned yet
You couldn't even start up Half-Life
Haven't you got your grades back yet?
Go back home and be somebody's wife

JIN-ROH:
How dare you say
Such things to me
I'll conquer you now
Now you'll see

CLEO:
Can't either of you
Do better than this?
It's been three minutes
And I need to piss
Please hurry up if you cooooould
This song ain't even that goooooood
Please do something

I could deliver
A such better diss
But stand there and stare
If you insist
But do something else besides look at each other
I'm sure the rest would be glaaaaaad
And I need to pee really baaaaad
I'm getting mad

NICK:
I can't wait this long
For a croissan'wich
I'm gonna stab both of you
If you don't start this

JIN-ROH & AERLYN:
Then draw you sword cause I have
These rhymes are getting real baaaaaaad
It's really kind of saaaaaaaad
Never again

"Then let us begin," Jin-Roh said, "Even if you do defeat me you will soon have to meet even greater warriors than I."

"To what do you refer?"

"Not even all of you combined could defeat them – an army of extraordinary magnitude is in the making as we speak."

"The Pittsburgh Steelers?"

"No, better."

"Spider-Man?"

"The Justice League of America?" Nick suggested.

"The Powerpuff Girls?"

"NOOO!"

-beep-beep-beep-

Jin-Roh picked up his cell phone out of the pocket of his bathrobe (JIN-ROH: Hey, this is a traditional kimono) fine, whatever, kimono.

"Y'ello, yah-huh... yah-huh...yah-huh...all-righty then, buh-bye." He hung up. "I'm afraid I must go, but we will meet again. But if you are so interested in what is about to happen, I'm sure you would be very interested to visit the Shire." He pressed some buttons on his cell phone. "Sayonara." A white beam of light enveloped him and he was transported away.

"That son-of-a-bitch. He didn't even say goodbye," Aerlyn said.

"Aerlyn," Julia said, always on task (unlike just about everybody in this story), "What does he mean by the Shire."

"Hmm, I know little of the region, except that it is in the Northwest of the land, and populated by a humble, secluded people."

"Are there croissan'wiches there?"

"I swear to god, you say one more thing about croissan'wiches I will feed you these floppy disks until you burst."

"I'll be good," he whimpered.

"How do we get there?" Cleo asked.

"We'll take this X-Wing. It seats six and there's an in-flight movie," Nick announced.

"Ooh, what movie?" Rocko asked.

"Wait a minute," Julia said, "X-Wings don't seat six. What does this thing look like?"

So Nick showed it to her.

"…Nick. That is not an X-Wing. That is a toy X-Wing you got at McDonald's. I was there when you got it."

"Yeah, but that just means it's more efficient. And certified by the good people at Mickey D's."

"Nick… this is not a real X-Wing, We cannot fit in it. You just took it out of your pocket. There's still lint on it," she said as she blew it off.

"Well, fine, Miss Always-Has-To-Think-Rationally. What do you suggest?"

"Jet skis! Jet skis are always fun. And these have rocket engines."

So they took the rocket jet skis off to the Shire in an action sequence much too cool to be explained in detail.